phone calls and needing to get online with you alll - Al-Anon Family Group

hippietrippiechick · Senior Member

phone calls and needing to get online with you alll

albertarose · Veteran Member

(((HUGS))) Hang in there. Keep coming back as often as you can when you have the puter free. We are here for support. I know it can be overwhelming when your dealing with an A, but take care of yourself in your recovery and everything will fall into place one day.

yours in recovery

albertarose

hippietrippiechick · Senior Member

This is MY APARTMENT and if I really need you guys, or things seem to linger, I will give him the very same ultimatum. I "ended a call" he was on last night that lasted forever and I signed online. He was very pissed. I gave hi fair warning. Maybe I am just throwing tempertanrums.

I told him to get a cell phone, because he knows how I am with my computer

Any thoughts?

just me · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Hippie)))))

Seems to me it is your house and your phone line. You can set the boundary. Limit his calls to 15 minutes or he has to use another phone? Just my opinion.

Yours in recovery,

Julia

hippietrippiechick · Senior Member

However, he HELPS with the bills, but I usually end up paying the phone bills. He gets my herbal medicine, pays the electric and water bill, and really helps out whenever he can. Does that give him the right to do what he is doing when I need to get online.

He says, "you have ALL DAY on tht thing. who got it for you--me. I cn just unplug you out. I wnat to unplug him out.

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

(((Hippie)))

How frustrating for you. I agree set the boundary and then be prepared to enforce the boundary. Sounds like he's a boundary buster and will challenge you on this every chance. I can relate to that. Maybe you guys could compromise on times of when he can make calls vs. your time online. If he uses your time online talking on the phone, then maybe he can get an alternate phone or forfeit his phone time the following day. Just a suggestion. Good luck and hang in there.

Peace,

Twinmom~

carolena · Senior Member

hugs to you -- my AH doesn't know how to use a computer but he constantly sits in my chair in front of the computer!

So what works for me is that I have politely told him what time I'll be on the computer. If he's not off the chair, I remind him that I have an online meeting in 5 minutes.

I think you're on the right tract with the phone problem if you tell him specific times that you need to be on the computer - or if it's a spur of the moment thing like I do, tell him that in fifteen minutes, you need to be on the computer. If he's already on the phone, you could put a note in front of him saying that in 15 minutes, you need to use the computer. You're right - he does need his own phone. Is there another DSL company you can use? Can you afford to put in another phone line?

In the past, the above would have caused a fight and I would have walked out for a while. He didn't like it when I walked out, got in my car and went somewhere and didn't come back until I felt like it, so I guess he decided cooperating with me was better than my walking out.

My AH is jealous of my computer knowledge as well as the music I do. and even our dogs!!

You know how your husband reacts when you set boundries, so please stay safe.
There was a time when I was afraid my AH would physically abuse me, but thank God for Alanon, those days seem to be over.

I don't know if any of this helps. Most A's are so difficult to live with and they have to have their own way about everything. How frustrating - I hope you can work this out - for you.

hippietrippiechick · Senior Member

the last post was great as well as all of them but it would be hard to put a note sayig 15 minutes in front of him when he cannot read.

lmw · Senior Member

How about setting a timer. My kids have to take turns playing video games, or on the computer. We decide on a time frame together, and then set the timer. When it goes off, it's the next person's turn.

Good luck.

pluckey · Newbie

another option for you: is there a public library somewhere close to you? get a library card and you get free access to internet, usually for 30 minute blocks at a time. Maybe you can get "your" time you need for support here, and be away and out of the house and away from the A...maybe you can carve that out a few times a week as part of taking care of you.

((HUGS))

lin0606 · ~*Service Worker*~

A lot of the powere imbalance in my marriage came from financial issues. He made very good money - even when I worked, I didn't. When the kids were small I stayed home (with his compelte suport, he said) so didn't make anything. If anyone ever asked him, he would have said that I contributed my full share to the household, he ws happy with the way things were, etc etec, HOWEVER, in reality, he felt, (and so did I, I admit) that because he brought all the money in, he should be boss.

I am getting healthier - I know that all the work I do around the place, and have done, for all the years of our marriage, are worth something. I am starting to feel like a full partner in the marriage. WIthout that, it would be very hard for me to get as strong as I need to be about his unacceptable behaviour. I need to feel like an equal, in order to really stand up for myslef.

This is why I am saying - if there is any way that you can work toward your finaincial independence, it will be worth it. You will feel more ble to say and do what you need to, for your self, if you are not worried about the money he brings in.

hippietrippiechick · Senior Member

First of all, thank God I am not married to this man. I was married once before. Not sure to do again.

Also, you said all the work you do to the place--I have disabilities which limit me from being able to keep my apt.. in "tip-top" shape. It is a a cluttered mess. With me on disability, I do rely on his money and I have to admit I back down and "be nice" so he will help me financially---wrong idea. I keep thinking I need him. No woman needs a man to feel complete. Also, I live in HUD housing and I am the only one on the lease. I think lots of folks know he lives here, but for over 2 years, no one has ever said anything. It happens a lot around here. I live in the elderly/disabled project, which is so peaceful compared to the shit that goes on in the other projects.

How do I deal with all my bills. There is something I have been holding back I need to PM someone about that may understand. One reason why he is still here. I am afraid to talk about it. I don't want all of you to get the wrong idea about me.

maresie2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I know for sure the A I live with is jealous of my time on the computer. That was one reason why he is not that swift about putting the thing back on. I feel the loss completely.

This topic of who gets what when, what do you share what don't you, who gets who how at the apartment is a good one. I had no idea most of my life how to negotiate this stuff. I am at least willing to think about it these days in terms other than should or could or would.

I know there is a part of me that wants to rush off headlong into another relationship to be rescued or rescue or submerge myself in someone else. I know also without negotiation those issues are pretty difficult to get through.

As someone who's lived with an A for going on 6 years I think sometimes live in relationships are just as difficult to leave as a marriage.

Maresie.

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