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This is my first real post but you've all be a tremendous support to me in the last few weeks just from my daily visits, thankyou. My AH was sober for 20 years, in that time I still worked my program and our marriage was okay not great. We have 2 kids with one being away in college now, the other in High school. Last year I realized he was drinking again. I've done F2f meetings, read my books and I really feel like I'm well and getting healthier all the time. He was working out of town for 6 months, in that time our home was peaceful, loving and joyful. Now that he's back it's stressful, and miserable. He doesn't just drink...he lies, he's selfish. I want a better life for myself and our 15 year old (who also wants dad gone) I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. I can detach and care about him but only if he isn't living here and making us miserable. He tells me " I can quit drinking with out you!" I know that's not true but he's hurting my wellness by staying with us. So.....isn't it ok to leave him? That would make it possible for me to detach with love but I cannot live with him anymore or let my son live this way. I love him to much and I'm trying to learn to love myself and take care of both of us. Am I wrong? Be honest, I can take it.
I don't think you're wrong at all. I made the same decision myself, and I made it this morning.
My kids wanting her gone was the deciding factor..my son, who's a senior in high school, told me that he wants to stay in the house, but he won't stay as long as his mom is there. I didn't want this to be about my inability to live with her, and when my two kids agreed, it was empowering. I finally have the strength and will to do something I should have done a long time ago, and I found it through my kids.
It's amazing how close the three of us have become since she's been in rehab. My son, who's 17, still lives at home, and his sister, who is 24, has her own family, but fully supports me in my decision. We've all been victims too long. We will not be victims any more.
I can give you my opinion on this subject, no advise here....first of all I have heard that line I can't heal without you so many times, the thing is my husband could not heal with me either.....he drank and did drugs, after 20 yrs of marriage I got to the point where I had enough, I was miserable, kids were miserable, and he was lost in the world of addiction, living the selfishness and all the lies that addicts create as a reality for themselves..
All I know is that you will know when you just can't take it one more second, something almsot snapped inside of me, I knew that no matter what I did I could not save him....so I decided to save myself, my 16 yr old daughter Samantha, and my 14 yr old son Zach.
It is a painful process.....morning the loss of what we once thought can be painful can tear at you very soul....once t his process takes place healing begins...a calmful peace comes over you and you know you have begun to live life again...
If what is holding you back is the feeling that you must stay in order to sober him up, then I feel that you can leave in good conscience. You must do what your own heart tells you to do - you are not a martyr to his disease.
This does not mean that I am saying "sure, leave him" What I am saying is that you would approach this the way anyone who is thinking of ending a long term marriage would - it is a serious step, and you want to feel that you are doing the right thing for the right reasons. "Keeping him sober" is not a reason to stay, as you do not have that power.
I think it is important, though, for anyone thinking of leaving an A to feel sure that they have truly taken step one. One of the most powerful things I read when I first came to alanon (I can't remember which book it was in - "From Survival to Recovery" I think) was the storyof a woman who after many years of living with her active A finally threw him out. Soon after, he stumbled drunk into the street and was killed. She was overcome by guilt, feeling that his death was her fault. It took a lot of real work on her part to accept that, again, she did not have that power. It is a reality that "Jails, institutions, and death" are in our A's future - we need to accept that we can't save them from that, if they do not choose to save themselves.
Helo Trying , your the only one who has the answer to the questions u asked , yu do what u ahve to do to take care of yourself . Al-Anon does not promise to save marriages it only promises to return sanity to our lives . so that we can make informed decissions for ourselves and children . Some times there is just too much to fix in our reltionships and it's very diff when only one person is trying to get well . Keep going to your meetings , talk with your sponsor and keep the focus on you . good luck Louise
wbfox58: Reading your posts the last few days and what others have said to you have been very helpful to me. It's amazing the strength that our kids can give us, isn't it. I wish you continued strength and many blessings. Thank you, everyone, for your support.
