For one thing I would talk personally and privately to your grandsponsor. One thing I know is that I thought for a long time that people in my home group didn't like me, a specific few, and today I know that while that isn't necessarily true, the bottom line is that the peopel I was worried about 1) have terrible mental health issues that color their view of the world so severely that it makes it look completely different than what it really is; 2) their progress in the program, no matter how long they've been here is so stalled, so slow, that they're missing the point of being here; remember how I always say you get out of this program what you put into it? at a certain point, it's become clear that the desire to grow has evaporated from these people, and their discomfort with life has just dominated them, just paralyzed them.

 I would also begin going to open AA meetings, keeping in mind that there are people in these meetings that have many many al anon issues. Remember, this is a major reason why people quit al anon: politics, ego, and the consistent non desire to grow.

  I would ask for a group conscience. As a home group member, you have a right to ask that the group take a 4th step inventory and see where growth is necessary. Is it possible that public out reach is necessary? Is it possible that the group has become so nuclear that lack of growth is causing stagnation?

 If you have not yet done written step work, you are well over due to do so. PATHS TO RECOVERY has excellent questions to jump start journaling and exploration on each step and tradition, which will bring you and your sponsor closer. The only rule is no censoring allowed. Only by through exploration may one grow.

  See if it is possible to take on an outside service commitment in the name of al anon. does the group have a Group Service Representative? If not, sign up. does the group have an Intergroup representative? if not, sign up. What about a representative for the prisons and institutions committee? Sign up. If there is no opportunities in the al anon comunity, try without the al anon community; within churches, food banks, the red cross, the womens shelters. 

 Lastly, madme. as a social worker, apply some of the tools you use for your clients to yourself. What tools within the community do you qualify for? what co workers can you ask for help from? never be afraid to ask for help and be humble enough to accept it.

 Well, I respect that. I can see why you would be afraid of causing problems where they don't exist. But also, is living in fear worth the fury? After all, look at what it's costing you.

 Your recovery is worth more than that. And besides, think about this: there's gonna come down the road someone that's gonna need this meeting. And if nothing changes in this group, they're gonna be in deep.

 True story from my own life: I went to an ACA meeting for awhile, and I noticed quickly that a selected few controlled everything. The same treasurer for 5 years. No group conscience for 10. No IGR, GSR no nothing. So guess what? I change things.

 I first asked why it was that our group had no clear guidelines for our chair person. Well there were guidelines, the 5 year treasuer said indignantly, in the book. Did any of the new comers know about this? I asked; Well, no, he conceded. Then we're not carrying the message, I said.

 I then asked why it was that we had no IGR or GSR. We DO have a IGR and a GSR the 5 year treasurer said, I do it! When was the last time you were at a meeting? I asked. Well, he said, embarrassed, not for a few years. So why are you still doing it if you cant? I asked. He then abdicated the position. (I understand that group rotates those two positions every two years as is recommended in the handbook.)

 I then asked why it was that he had been treasurer for 5 years. Because I'm good at it! He said. Well, I've been here close to 6 months, and we've never had a treasurers report, I said. WEll, why does that matter, He said, indigant. All of the sudden, Quiet Mary (Never said A THING in the meetings) said Richard, that always bothered me. I've waited for 5 years, and I've always wondered where the money went. You've never said a THING about it.

 I understand that position is now rotated too.

 That meeting was 10 people.

 Now it's standing room only.

 It is your job to make a meeting healthy if it is unhealthy. Make some enemies. Be your own best friend.

 "When anyone any where reaches out, I want the hand of al anon to always be there. And for that I AM RESPONSIBLE."

 Don't take that lightly, CG

Sometimes, CG, we must admit that a thing has not worked out, and move one. There is not much sense in continuing to try when you are so totally unhappy with these people in your AlAnon group. It is like beating your head against a wall and wondering why it hurts. And "sorting friends out" in the group is no answer. That sounds more like pitting some against others, and you must not do that. And it is obvious to me that you take personally every thing a person says or does that does not please you. Friendship is a give and take thing. We have to accept people for what they are and not attempt to change them to fit our mold of what a "friend" should be.

. Of course you want to take your friend up on her offer to introduce you to her circle of friends who get together once a week. Friends are there; but we must relax and allow a friendship to happen. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't. But you sound like you are trying to force friendships, and that makes some people a little nervous.

Read the lovely words of Desiderata, and you will have a clearer picture of how to get along. It may not be "AlAnon Approved Literature," but it is more meaningful than anything else I have ever read.

Take care, Diva

 CG, my good friend, unfortuneately Rita is right. Sometimes to see who your real friends are, you have to risk making enemies.

 Remember the ACA meeting I told you about? Well, shortly after I threw my hands in the air and said "I've had it! You people have been in this progam for 20+ years and you act like children! I quit!" people came back--IN DROVES. Word had gotten around to how "the old regieme had been thrown out, and how new people had been instituted.

 Beginners were bringing up topics--"Can you explain the disease concept? I'm still not getting how my father's sexually abusing me is okay because he's sick."

 Long termers were bringing meetings to rehabs--"I'm going to CADAS and the VA this week; I've already got one of my sponsees with me; I'd like to suggest that one of the beginners come too; usually we go out to ice cream after words. See me after the meeting."

 AND....THERE WERE TREASURERS REPORTS!

 You read that right. Even Quiet Mary got up the gumption to do service work, chairing a meeting, sharing, everything! (So the word on the street goes)

  NOT THAT THERE WERENT FALL OUTS! The "old regieme" rebelled, in fact. " Most, if not all, of the "core members"--as in, all the members that "liked things as they were" and "didn't care if things didn't change" have "quit the meeting," and "found other meetings." Which, having listened to them over time, is a more diplomatic way of saying "I've lost my enabler. I'm losing the people that aer giving me an excuse to not change, not grow and not be accountable."

 Now, THAT'S an al anon meeting ***I*** wanna be a part of. And that's an al anon meeting I want YOU to be a part of. 

It seems to me that you have nothing to lose, by trying to make some changes. Fear of losing something that you don't want very much anyway is not the kind of fear a person has to let stop her.

I would suggest starting with your sponsor - just say to her some of the things you are saying to us. There should not be a 'ringleader' in alanon, and everyone there knows it. If you challenge it, it may very well fall apart.

One of the reasons that the friendships you have made there are only "1/2 @$$ed" may be because you are not being honest with these people. You are trying to be what they want, rather than what you are. You've already done that with the A, look where it got you. There is no value to a friendship which is based on you being afraid to say what you think.

You are a member of alanon. This is your meeting as much as it is their's, no matter how long they have been there. Your recovery, something you want and deserve, depends on there being a healthy meeting. Take what steps you can to start to make it feel more 'yours' - I'd suggest offering to chair. With such a small group (my meeting was about that size when I started) it is not too scary, you get to pick the readings and the topic.

Certainly, if there is another meeting somewhere nearby that you can go to instead, gie it a try to see if you like it, but if this is your only option, please don't let them take it from you without a fight.