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This is my first time posting, I find this very difficult, but I need to express my thoughts, and currently I have no outlet. I am not sure what things are ok to say, so I will just explain my situation and hopefully someone will be able to relate.
My girlfriend of over three years is an A. I have been with her through every crazy rollercoaster twist and turn possible. I also feel guilty writing this because currently my AG is in a program of recovery and has 8 months of sobriety, and I know all to well that so many people would give anything to have their loved one be in that place. Our relationship went from dating and being twentysomethings, me drinking with her in the beginning, to me beginning to realize the extent of her disease, to things getting really bad (alcohol, and a severe cocaine addiction, unfortunetly she had the $ to be able to support the cocaine as much as she wanted.)
It got the the point where every night I worried that I would get a phone call, with the news that the died in a car accident, or she overdosed and died. Luckily a series of events unfolded (arrest, court, deferred sentence with treatment,) that got her to rehab. She was in treatment for six months or so, the whole time me supporting her to the best of my ability. (Should have taken time for myself, but that is in the past.) In hindsight, I should have sought alanon a long time ago. After six months she returned home, worked on sobriety, and for close to a year it was a rollercoaster of a month of sobriety, her working with her sponser to the best of her ability, and us being very happy together, followed by a relapse. Every relapse I told myself I should leave, but I never did.
She now has eight months of sobriety, and I really believe she is going to do it for real. I am so thankful for her sobriety, I truly believe she would not be alive right now if she did not get help.
My problem is that I went though so much pain during this whole process believing that it would lead to us being truly happy together, and now I dont feel that way. I know, we are not married, we are young (mid twentys) maybe we move on. But I really feel like this is who I want to be with, and I know she feels the same. Wow, I am rambling, I have never really talked to anyone about this stuff, much less written it down.
One of the problems, and I read something similar in another post, is that I resent her now that she has all these new friends from her program and is always busy with all that. I feel like I gave up a lot of my friendships, or lost them along the way, as I supported her.
I also dont know how to deal with the past, as she has told me things that happened when she was out, (almost all of which I knew about or suspected,) that are very hurtful. But I cant show my hurt, because her guilt is so great, that when she sees the hurt in my eyes when I am having a bad day thinking about things she has done to me in the past, it gives her thoughts of drinking. This is the current situation, and her program is pushing her towards taking time away from me, as being with me pushes her towards relapse, because she cant deal with her guilt. What a stupid situation. She treated me really bad in the past, and even if I can forgive her, she cant forgive herself, and thus cant really be with me?
I understand this to the best of my ability, but right now I am at a point in my life when I need her. I have always been there for her and supported her, now she should be able to support me for once right?
I went to one f2f meeting and I didn't like it because the vast majority of the people there were A's as well (what is the term for that?) If I go to a meeting I want to vent and say how difficult it is to care about someone who is an A, I dont feel comfortable saying those things with A's all around me.
Anyway these our my thoughts and feelings, my first time sharing them. Does anyone have any experience with a loved one who finally gets sober, and yet things dont seem to get better the way you had hoped/imagined?
Welcome to MIP! You will find experience, strength and hope here. First of all, I think that you nickname "Bstrong" says it all. In Alanon, we are told to focus on ourselves and our own issues. Alcoholism is an insiduous and cunning disease and we get taken in by it. We also learn alot of tools for coping and eventually living our lives to the fullest. As far as, making it to Alanon, I questioned why I hadn't gone sooner but they say the program comes to you when you are ready. Yes, it gets lonely but we have to stay out of their recovery. It is between them and their Higher Power. At first I was afraid to speak up in front of A's but as an Alanoner, I am at a f2f meeting to help myself. Keep coming back.
Yes, sobriety was in many ways more of a challenge for us than the drinking/using was. All of the issues you have mentioned came into it, and more. Alanon saved our marriage, or my sanity, or something. I learned to get what I could not get from him in some other way - he is always going to be 'broken' in some fundamental way, I think, but we can still be pretty happy together as long as expectations are kept in check, and we appreciate what we have, rather than yearning for something else. I don't look for a 'normal' marriage, I look at whether my needs are more or less met in the one I have.
If you are somewhere that has several alanon meetings, keep trying until you find one that fits. Give them each a few tries, sometimes the feel of a meeting is different on different weeks. Until you find a home group that suits you (and after!) please keep coming here, and read our literature. The feelings you are having are common, and our program can help you with them. Welcome
There's a great little Alanon booklet I recommend (I keep mine in the bathroom) called "Living with Sobriety", filled with shares from people who had new or continued problems AFTER their loved one got sober. Bigger than a pamphlet, smaller than a book, it costs about $3.
For me, it was also very hard to accept that things didn't get better for ME after HE got sober. Why couldn't we once again talk about things the way we used to? He was sober, after all, right?
It was my sponsor who told me: He can't. Say what? He can't, because he's still in early sobriety. ??!!! - he's been sober for three months!!! - Yes - that's still early sobriety, and every ounce of energy is going to staying sober.
This was really hard. The good news though is that over time, we did start to be able to talk again. For us, it was about a year for general conversation; two years to start being able to talk about important things. I don't mean we didn't speak for that amount of time, but that my A's focus was - and really needed to be - on staying sober. Going to my own meetings, venting to people who could hear me, hearing their esh, working on my own attitudes and behaviours, really helped- and continues to help. Now I can get some of the support I need from him TOO - not instead.
I'm sorry the f2f meeting you tried was disappointing - not every meeting is right for everybody, and I encourage you to try others until you find one that clicks. "Double winners" can have a really helpful perspective, but I understand your reluctance to start out confiding in people who have perhaps themselves been where your own A is. For me, my first meeting was not right for me either, but I was lucky to find a beginner's meeting my second time out, and that forum, where I could ask questions - and there was a lot that didn't make sense to me at first - I remember thinking it was like learning a foreign language - was a huge help to me.
It's all very gradual. It takes time to learn a new way of seeing the world. And it's up to you, but I want to suggest the possibility that if you were to move on now, you'd take the old way with you, and end up attracting - and being attracted to - the same thing all over again. Alanon can help YOU get healthier - regardless of what ends up happening with your gf. Keep coming back!
The steps we take in this program help tremendously with our guilt. The only catch is...we have to work them honestly from with in, with help from a sponsor. The steps teach us how to live and survive.
That is wonderful that she is making friends. That is great that she is able to go to meetings and keep program in her life as much as possible. If you were to go to face to face meetings you would make friends with people as well and would head that much quicker to a strong recovery.
When I first starting attending, I started going to open AA meeting since there wasn't Al-anon there. I had to keep and open mind and stop judging others by what they did or said in those meetings. It wasn't long, that I realized.....no one was judging me either. Each one of us was there for our own reason and it was a safe place to be and share whatever I needed to.
Until I came to Al-anon, I had a hard time making friends, period. I wasn't hard to get along with, and I was quite shy, as well as being guarded.....but, not long in the program, I made friends right away.
One of the best thing I have heard at the meetings I attend is that, it is wonderful to get into recovery together and heal together.....but our programs that we worked had to be totally seperate. I couldn't critize his program and he couldn't critize mine.
Some make it, and some don't. Every person has a different view. I have learned, even if my A doesn't make it... I know I will.
I am so glad you made it here. I hope that you keep coming back. You deserve peace, joy, and happiness. This program is about working on you. Keep the focus on you and little by little things will get easier.
Is it impossible to think that someone in their first year of sobriety can support me the way I want/need? Do I need to accept that during the first year of her sobriety she will be consumed so much with her program that she will be unable to be there for me, and I must either decide to deal with that or move on? Is it unreasonable to say to her that I need this or I need that. I feel like ok now you can be there for me the way I have been there for you. Is that just not going to happen with an A in their first year of sobriety?
I too have been searching for the answers to same question. My wife is an A, in her recovery program. Doing her best to stay sober. But in the process has developed some resentments, including towards me, and I feel has ignored me, and has no speck of energy or affection for me.
On the other hand I am feeling un-appreciated since I could have just walked away from her, instead I stuck with her. (STUCK? I wonder if that is the answer?)
I'm not sure if anyone can answer our question other than ourselves. As the reality is that every A is different in their recovery program.
I was at a Face2Face meeting where a lady had left her AH. She said that her HP helped her.
I thought if her HP helped her why did she leave her AH?
Another old Lady not knowing what I was thinking said "You know, HP works in many ways, in her case her HP worked miracles through the door knobs, opening the door for her to get out of a life that may not be for her"
Luckily they did not have any kids together.
I read on this website somewhere that we must learn to focus on us, and take our own inventory. Are we insecure? Are we a compulsive rescuer, are we STUCK because of money? etc. I also read somewhere to not allow ourself to be used and abused for someone else's recovery.
I find that it is not that helpful to think in terms of what is reasonable to expect, what is fair, etc. For me it has been better to look at what IS, and decide whether or not I can accept it.
The whole world could chime in and say "yes, she should be doing this and that", but if she does not agree, or is not capable of doing it, then it really doesn't matter what we think. You're gonna get what you're gonna get, and it is up to you whether it is enough for you.
Of course you have the right to raise these issues with her - what does she say when you do? Her response should be telling you something about what to expect. If she agrees with you but has trouble following through, then you could take one path - making sure you ask for what you need, remind her of your wants and needs, etc. If she figures there is no problem and blows you off, then that needs a different response.
I think a lot of us go into our partner's sobriety expecting that all will be vindicated - we will finally be recognized as the wonderful people we are, our A's will cater to our every need in an attempt to expiate their guilt, Life will become wonderful and filled with flowers.....It ain't gonna happen. The reality is that we are involved with a damaged person, who, even if they take sobriety very seriously, has very few real coping skills, does not know how to have a true loving relationship, is in many ways stuck at the emotional age of teenager. It is possible to build a new relationship, and a good one, with a recovering A. However, it is not the relationship you started out with, before the disease became apparent. That person is gone. You can either develop a new love with the person your A is becoming, or you can decide that you don't want to. That is your choice, and both of those choices are valid. This program can save your life, but it does not promise to save your marriage.
One thing to keep in mind - you did not become involved with her by accident. Something in you was drawn to her sickness. If you don't work on yourself, and find out what that was and heal it, you will most likely, if you leave her, just go on to find another just like her. For the most part, those of us who love A's are not victims, but volunteers.
Your situation is just the thing that I am scared of!! We just started this recovery process!! Not even a week ago!! My husband is still sick from withdrawl....pain meds & Pot. My WORST fear is how your feeling!!!! I loved our little life and looked at his addiction more of a flaw or an annoyance like bad breath or crooked teeth!! No ones perfect right!?!? These past few days have been SO hard for me....I feel this barrier between us!!!! I keep putting on a smile for his sake, cause YEAH he needs the support and he needs to get better. But I am worried that some of these recent feelings wont go away!! We have been married for 7 years almost 8!! We have a child and BOTH of them have been the air in my life, but NOW I wonder!!!! I have NEVER once WONDERED!!!! I'm scared and I guess that is how all of us are, and you wonder when it will stop and be easier and my guess is it wont....NOT to be negetive, but every day is another step every day is another victory, but where is the finish line?? Like any addict, they are always an addict....even in sobriety....you hear people saying they are 10 years sober....25 years sober....there is NO stop!! I guess we have to seach to decide if the fight is something we can handle, can we re spark the spark we once had?? What is it that we truly LOVE about our parnter?? Can we find it?? I am simply put terrified, cause I DONT want my marrage to disovle, it means ALOT to me....I love having a GREAT relationship....or was it?? How do you know?? I wish I could gve you some advice, but I cant even give my self some advice or even make complete sence of what I am feeling!!!! I am going to my first meeting tonight. I have never felt so alone before in my life as I have this past week!! I am hoping coming here and to meetings that I can figure out HOW to make this emptiness pass. I KNOW what you mean already about your GF's NEW found friends and recovery....my husband is gone to meetings and talks to people on the phone, you feel left out!! What should be something WONDERFUL for the both of you to share, is just theres and your left with what was. It's like the kid next door just got a NEW bike and your left with your old rust bucket. OH and lets not mention that that kid got that bike from a job they were forced to get cause they were caught doing something bad!! I understand the resentment your feeling cause a week in I feel it too!!!! Poor him....BUT what about ME?? I have not done anything wrong!! I work hard, I take care of our child, I do what I am suppose to, I am a quote un quote goddie too shoes!!!! HE sqanders our money on drugs, he looses his job, he played in the danger zone....was lucky he never got arrested or hurt, and everyone praises HIM. I guess I have been the fool for allowing it to happen, to be nieve not to realize what was going on....after all why should I count the number of pills in his perscription bottle....HE's an adult he can count!!!! But NO!! He gets the praises the new start the new view on life!!!! Yeah I can get my own too but WHY should I have to change?? And who is going to take care of our child while we are both recovering???? I cant 100% focus on ME while HE is 100% focusing on him!!!! Some of us have resposibilites, some of us CANT just decide they want to be another person!!!! It's not fair that they can hurt us so bad and then just one day want to make it all better and that things can go on as they were!! There are issues that we are not the only ones who need to help resolve!!!! They need to work with us to resolve the hurt THEY caused!!!! WHO here is the one who hurt there loved one?? WHO here did ANYTHING to cause the hurt we have felt?? WHO's only fault was just LOVING the person TOO much???? So as you can see I have all these feelings that I never had towards my husband and I am scared they will never go away!!!! What happens then??
SORRY to vent on YOUR post!!!! Put as I started writing it just poured out!!!! This WAS suppose to be to help you kind of feel better IF there is anything that can make any of us feel better!!!! SORRY all to be a downer....I feel like I am fighting the wrong person....the people who can HELP!!!! I'm just sorry I intruded what I should make my own post on to someone elses!! I am just having a terrible time with all of this!!!!
Klynn, I'm so happy to read your post - this is stuff that you needed to look at. The only way to get rid of these feelings is to face them. I suspect that you have been feeling much of this for a long time, just never let yourself see it.
In order for a wound to heal, you need to clean it first, and let all the pus out. Not a pretty thought, but true.
