The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am holding up at home and at work but in the car is HELL!! I hide my tears at home so our child wont know I'm hurting, and of course I hide it at work, but when I am alone in the car driving to work the tears fall!! Yeah a not so good time to be crying!!!! *rolling eyes* I do cry at home after our child goes to bed, but putting on a strong front is HARD!!!! I want to cry at work and all the time at home!!!! I know it is not good to keep things bottled up, but I dont have anyone really to talk to about this!!!! My MIL drives me nuts and makes it worst!!!! Eventhough she is trying!! I feel bad!! She is going to a meeting tomorrow night and wants me to go with her, but I dont know if I want to go with her or by myself!! I dont know which will be better!! I know support would be nice and helpfull but then again that means she will want to talk after and I just cant right now!! She is trying and wants to help and I thank her for that and appreciate that, BUT somereason it makes it worst!! I cant explain that!!!! I just want to be alone and sort things out myself!! I need to figure out what I am feeling and why before I can tell people!!!! I dont mean to be so anti social with her or family, but I almost prefer doing it this way cause yeah I am telling a stranger....how wierd huh?!?! I think it is that I can disconnect myself from it and explain it better....that and I dont get intrupted and I cant see you guys cry so I wont start!!!! I just feel like I have the weight of the world on my sholders!!!! I am trying to let go and just let things fall as they should, butI think I am obsessing about it and by doing that it makes me hold on!!!! SO I am guessing I should not try, just let it happen?? I'm just so confused and tired!!!! Not to mention I am sick for the 4th time since November!!!! I need to go to the docs but I think that has something to do with the mold that we have been fighting with our landlord about for 3 months!!!! A whole OTHER thing!!!! I guess I just have alot going on and I am finding it hard to really relax and take the time out that I need to heal!!!! I just want to go to sleep and wake up and have everything fixed!!!! WILL that ever happen?!?! I dont know just how much fight I have. I feel like I have been beaten, and I cant get up!!!! Ugh....I dont know!!
with all of those same raging feelings, emotions, and the hurt, i scheduled myself an hour - no interruptions - in my bed. alone at home, my hour, to let it all just come out. it was a one time thing i did, and i may have to schedule it again. it certainly made me feel better, and allowed my mind to focus on things i could do that evening (which ended up bathing the dog and cleaning the ferret cage... not every chore is pretty, that's why they call it a chore, i guess
much love,
cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
