The material presented
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i have gained 30 pounds since september. that is when my ex ah got sober(again) and started hanging out here with the kids (whom he had abandonded in march). he also has bipolar disorder which is currently unmedicated and is in a "remission" of sorts. yeah, back to me. well, it seems that i am in a pretty big depression. i function but only enough to go to work. i have had this happen in the past and what it seems to be connected to is him. i have so much resentment and fear of him that i keep completly stuffed so as not to set off his mental illness or his drinking. when he is here he does everything and i just sit. he does my dishes cleans my house completly takes care of the kids and does it all with a smile. i assume it's out of guilt and he thinks that is what i want is a servent and if he can be that then maybe i'll want him back. whatever, i am fat, i feel unworthy of anything good, i feel physically ill all the time, i don't know how to be healthy as far as food is concerned.
i had a dream last night. i guess what i refuse to deal with in my waking hours is comming thur loud and clear in my dreams. but the dream was him here, at my house and he was mad about getting the divorce papers and about whatever else. same old same old. and he was throwing his tantrum and it was so familiar to me. like i knew exactly what he was going to do next and how i was going to feel. but beside the familiar feeling was the fear and that is what i woke up with.....the fear. heart racing, sweating and ready to scream.
so, what i came up with is i need better boundries. but i am scared. of him physically and mentally. we go to the movies and hang out and anyone would assume that we are friends if not dating. including him, i think. my fear of him is real and given what he has done in the past just being in a manic state, not even on drugs,i know i am sane to be scared. how do i let go of the fear? and the fear that he again will abandon the kids (although that fear has grown smaller over time just knowing that i can do this on my own i would just feel bad for them). when he was not here, i was sad and mad but i was doing for myself like i never had before. i was taking care of my kids and myself and actually feeling my feelings (to an extent....i am an adult child ya know!)
My HP is working overtime - I just finished a pm to a really great friend about boundaries. I think it is one of my hardest struggles with everyone.
My famous quote "My boundaries are eroding away like the coast of Louisiana." Inch by inch - I give a little here and little there and like you I awake to find myself in a situation I swore I would never do again.
So, as of Friday, I started again. I set the boundaries and will try to keep them firm this time. Just as we can restart our day over at any time - I am going to restart my commitment to myself to set those boundaries - to keep those boundaries - after all we deserve it.
If being around him makes you uncomfortable, then limit your time together. Do what you need to do to take care of you? You can't set a boundary & worry about other's feelings. As long as the motive for the boundary is pure self-care and not revengeful, anger or hate toward another person - you are keeping your garden of self free from the weeds of destruction.
Take care of you - you are special & deserve to have peace of mind.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
My father is the A in my life and he is also bi-polar. I have recently needed to set boundaries with him, and it has been difficult because I am afraid of him for very real reasons. I have also had to come to terms with the fact that between his two illnesses, ultimately, no matter how hard I try, I cannot control how he will react to things because when he's at the height of his illness, he is irrational and even the smallest, most minor thing can set him off, and he will completely blow his stack. So, ultimately, whether or not I set boundaries, other things are likely to set him off, and if I don't set boundaries, then in addition to everything else basically I am a prisoner in my relationship to him. Nonethless, my fear has been incredible, and I am really doing my best to take my fear seriously, listen to it, and still act.
What I have realized for me is that I need professional help with this situation and I am working with a therapist who understands that my fears are real. Together, with my therapist, I am beginning to set up a little "stairstep" set of boundaries that I can use. I am imagining the boundaries as a staircase with ten steps, at step 1 is low-level boundary crossing, and low-level enforcement. For example, at step 1, my dad may yell at me, and I would immediately offer him the option of continuing the conversation without yelling, or I will end the conversation. Then, if he continues to yell, I get off the phone. At steps 8-9-10 are options of calling a domestic violence counselor, calling the police, taking legal action, and severing my relationship with my father completely. I would use steps 8-9 if I felt threatened by him. For example, if after asking him to stop yelling, he refused and kept harrassing me on the phone, I would see what my legal options are. I would use step 10 if he repeatedly violated my boundaries/and or I feel he his too dangerous to be around.
I certainly hope that I never get to steps 8, 9, and 10. I hope that he never crosses my boundaries to that degree. However, I feel MUCH BETTER knowing that I have a clear plan for what I will do if things get to that point. Since you are in a relationship situation, you might consider talking to a Domestic Violence Counselor at a local shelter who has lots of experience in these types of situations and can help you evaluate your situation fully.
I work for a Domestic Violence program. As I'm reading the posts my heart goes out to you. One thing I would say from the DV side of things is that you know the individuals causing you harm best. If you are feeling fear I would encourage you to trust yourself and make decissions based on that. DV is usually based on the need for power and control. The more control you take of your own life the harder an abuser will fight for the control and often the more drastic their measures will become. You might want to talk to a DV program in your area and ask for additional help working on a safety plan.
On the Al-Anon side I want to share that the problem I have with boundries is that I'm terrible about setting them for others. For Example I'd say "You aren't going to drink around me". Instead of saying "when his drinking bothers me I'll remove myself from the situation." When I'm setting boundries for others I alway get angry and hurt.
My AH used to tell me I sat on my fat a-- and watched soap operas all day. This, of course, wasn't true. I was depressed, though, because I didn't understand alcoholism at the time and thought something was mentally wrong with me.
When he started telling me how to cook, I quit cooking for him.
When he told me I didn't wash clothes correctly, I quit washing his clothes.
Everything he criticized me about, I quit doing until he was doing it all and I was only taking care of my own needs, minus cleaning the house, etc.
I felt guilty because he would criticize me for not doing anything. Then I realized that this was his control issue and I decided to get a life and get involved in activities that I enjoyed. When he complains, I tune him out. If he had minded his own business, he wouldn't be doing it all and there's no way he and I can work together.
I'm involved in many activities now and I don't feel as guilty about him doing all the housework. If I did it, it wouldn't be good enough for him anyhow. I'm a guardian ad litem working with abused/neglected children and I don't have to clean the house (which I don't enjoy anyway).
Your safety has to come first. For several years, I was afraid of my husband because of his anger when I wanted to go out but gradually I went and now, he even encourages me to go! Each situation is different and you must keep yourself and your children safe.
The more I get involved in things outside of the home, the less depression I have. I gained weight, too, when I was sitting around too much in a confused state of mind. I still need to lose some weight, but I'm holding instead of gaining. My children are grown, but if I had been in this kind of situation when they were young, it would have given me more time to spend with them.
I feel like I don't have a marriage, but at my age I don't believe I'd be any happier if I divorced. Basically, through Alanon, I have learned to be a happier and better person because of the heartaches I've had.
Take what you liked and leave the rest. Many hugs to you. You are a worthwhile person and you deserve a good life.
