The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This weekend I was dressed down for something that I'm not sure was all mine.
I have always told people that if I have done something wrong or offended someone to tell me for I cannot fix it unless I know what it is. What I learned is that I cannot handle criticism of any kind. There is no fix for this particular situation, I was dressed down at my expense for the benefit of someone else. I have had a hard time with this one. Yes I will admit that I may have been partially responsible in the situation but I also feel that the dressing down was to make someone else feel better.
It is possible that this stems from my childhood where I always tried to do whatever was necessary to please other people, to be what everyone thought I should be not the person that I am.
We are part of a small group study with our church on Sunday nights. We were told that the group is thought of as a family and if something is bothering you then spit it out and we will all work on it together. One lady who is good friends with the moderator of the group had just recently gone through her husband's mental breakdown. Hubby and I had a one on one with him and explained how the 12 steps might benefit him and I gave him an ODAT to see if he thought it would help him; he later told me that he was reading the book daily and wanted to purchase it. The next Sunday evening we discussed studying 12 Step Christianity to delve into the steps and the correlation of those in the bible. We were all asked to share how Alcoholism and addiction may have affected our lives. This same lady at the end of the meeting asked if it was always going to be this depressing. I talked with her after the meeting and assured her that the disease is indeed depressing at times but once the steps are worked we learn to deal with that and things do get better.
The following week I had an incident with a family member that upset me greatly and I shared it with the group. There was a lot of discussion and I felt much better when I left.
This weekend the moderator came to our home and wanted to discuss the group. It seems that the only things they want me to share are those pertaining to the study we are involved in and in doing so to please keep my comments short. Evidently things were too depressing for this lady to deal with. I had to admit that when I start talking sometimes I do go past making my point but that is just me and is something that I need to work on-to learn to make my point then hush.
We attended the meeting last night and I said absolutely NOTHING...my reasoning being is lets see how much the others contribute to the study if I stay quiet. There were two people there that are also life long friends with the moderator and these two monopolized the entire meeting. I feel almost like a little kid - well if it was wrong for me to monopolize then why is it ok for them to do the same thing.
This study is one that I brought to the group's attention, I brought the workbook that is needed for the study and now I feel like an outsider.
Am I having a pity party? Probably so but my feelings are really hurt over this and I have realized that I have got to work on criticism but where do I start?
I'll appreciate any ESH on this one, thanks.
MO
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I don't always take critisizm well either. Growing up in the home of my AFather I was often not critisized for things I did wrong and critisized for things that were beyond my control. Because of that... I was pretty mixed up about being critiqued.
I have been in a simular situation as your meeting here at work. The truth is if you have a moderator... their job is to keep the meeting moving and not let it stall out or stray too far from the topic. It is a skill to be effective with that and not make a lot of enemys.
When told much the same thing, I decided to simply take it into consideration... and let the moderator do thier job. I have things to say, or I would not be there. In my case they are paying me for my opinion. If they think I am getting off topic, maybe I am.... or maybe they don't undestand the connection, but they should ask. I vowed to think about what I would discuss and be succinct and to the point so others can have a chance.
I guess it is like keeping my side of the street clean... leaving the rest to them to deal with. Just my thoughts.
Hope you don't let it ruin your day cause you sure don't have to if you don't want to. Sounds like a great meeting.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Actually it reminds me alot of why people leave this board and the chat room. I recall a time not too long ago when I called out a perticular newcomer on his behavior--indignant that his pity party wouldn't have an audience, he left. A few other members were outraged; how dare I talk to someone like that? How could I assume such outrageous things? What on earth was I thinking?
This pattern of speech continued for an hour an a half, darn near. It wasn't ever resolved, even when I did get a chance to explain myself, I was still redressed as being judgemental, abusive and harsh.
Well, if you really feel THAT way....
No, you're not being on a pity party. You found out something that you always knew. Whenever there is participation in organizations like these outside al anon, there is always a chance for what happened to both you and to me. People become driven to "be right." To "be the authority." To "take command." And, given the dynamics of these situations, there HAS to be a scape goat. And volia! You are it.
It's little wonder, then, why it is that so many of these church groups collapse. Too many egos. I notice your moderator doesn't specify whether S/He SPECIFICALLY is feeling that way, whether OTHER members are feeling that way, or whether S/He was ASKED on BEHALF OF THE GROUP to talk to you. That's a BIG DEAL. BIG DIFFERENCE. As you pointed out, it is EACH PERSON'S responsibility to be DIRECT with their needs, problems or complaints--so, in essence, who really has the problem here? Her/Him? A couple of members who didn't feel comfortable coming to you? (Because if that's the case, then the moderater needs to be clear on the fact that this matter is between YOU and THEM. Thank you for your well intentioned delivery, Oh Moderator, but MYOB) Or, was there a powwow where you weren't invited and the moderator took it upon themselves to deliver the results of said powwow?
And if it's the latter, Morbidie, I really would suggest you find yourself a new group to get involved in. I had an experience with middle school when I was in middle school. I'm an adult now and I behave like an adult. NOT like a middle school girl gunning for prom queen.
Yes, criticism is very difficult for us to refrain from reacting to. You are feeling hurt and one of the hardest things for me to hold on to when in the same type situation is that hurt people, hurt people. - course the person we hurt the most is ourself. I have also learned that it is very difficult for most people outside of Al-Anon to consider that life isn't always full of roses and they tend to "attack" when they don't feel adequate to "help".
With that said... we do have to hold onto the principals of our program.... one of the most important during meeting time is "principals before personalities"... meaning that during the meeting we should remain focused on the topic and sharing our experience, strength and hope. It is suggested in our material that personal situations should be discussed before or after the meeting to reason things out with someone else. This helps to keep the focus on Al-Anon and not the rather distrubing results of alcoholism as a family disease. I think it is wonderful that we have this message board which gives us a place to "vent" or discuss our individual situations inbetween meetings, keeping in mind that when I vent I should also be keeping an open mind in seeking a solution.
I certainly wouldn't take the group that you are referring to personal. They are doing the best they can with the skills they have. More than likely no one in that group is a professional in group leadership. We have a life time of learning to do and so does the rest of the world. Grace and Mercy go a long way!
I have a little facilitation experience LOL. My experience has always been that if there is an issue in the group that it be resolved as a group. If one person has issue with something but the others are benefiting then it's not right to burden the group just because that person is your friend. I would bring it up to the group at the next meeting. Set some ground rules around personal stories and sharing and then move on from there.
Seems to me that al-anon should stay in al-anon meetings. I was told to picture a bridge with serenity on this al-anon side you are standing on. When I dwell on my alcohol related depressed issues in front of others they do not want to cross the bridge into al-anon with me. Does it make what happened to you right? Not to me. I think Tiger is right in saying the moderator was not clear on why you were singled out. Of course the moderator's life long friend's can monopolize the meeting! I would find myself a different meeting and or group to belong to!
One thing to keep in mind is that NO ONE really takes criticism well. We all dislike it, and even if it is well put, it still stings, even if just a little. I find I need to allow a bit of time to let the sting fade, before I can really look at it honestly, and see if maybe just maybe I actually did deserve it.
I agree with several of the points already made. If the moderator has not had training in this area, you can't expect him to do a professional job. Give a little leeway for inexperience. If your sharing was off topic, then perhaps it should have been kept for a different occasion. As a rough rule of thumb, it is best to keep alanon in alanon.
However, your instincts may be right. Give it another chance, and if you really do get the sense that this is more about personalities than anything else, then perhaps this meeting is not for you. Or, perhaps, decide that this group still has something of value to offer you, and "accept the things you cannot change" - take what works for you from it, and let the rest go. One of the main points of alanon, in my opinion, is making the best of imperfect reality.
Thank you everyone for your comments. I can clearly see that I need to do some work on my reactions to other people's actions.
It's amazing how our HP works in our lives. I just could not let go of this mess and it was eating me up. Late last night I got a call from a member of my f2f group that was in trouble and needed my assistance (a ride home to get out of a difficult situation). I realized then that what I was messing my mind over with was minimal compared to what it very well could be.
I woke up this morning with a clear head and a calm feeling.
Thank you HP for always being there to remind me that I am still alive and there are still some things you want me to do.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
