The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Sometimes, meditating/focusing on my breath, helps me to dismiss my obsessive thoughts, so I can relax. That, and repeating the serenity prayer. I'll be thinking of you today...when I'm yawning...
Poor dear....I hope you were able to get a few winks.
My first sponsor was less than sympathetic when something would arise. When I couldn't shut my mind down, I was told to make a worry list. If it was a person, I had to pray that person would get everything I want for myself. Ofcourse, I would also get the, "you are responsible for no man's reaction, that's them! not you! so why give it power!"
My worry list would be where I had to sit for 30 minutes. In that 30 minutes (no more or less) I had to write everything big or small I was worried about. On the otherside everything I could do today. When the 30 minutes were up. Tear it in half, worries would go in the trash and the "to do" list were things for me to take care of during the day. When a worry would come up during the day, it had to wait until tomorrow's list....I did my worries for today.
This was the only writting he had me do other than that dang 4th step. My new sponsor it big at writting and getting it out. Everytime I try that, it turns into a 4th step mid way down the page.
All and all. I stick with, "That's them, that's not you." Like the ex AH, when he came he yesterday, I felt myself getting upset with some of his actions and the what he was saying, then in my head, "that is him, that is not me". So, it shut that puppy down real quick.
Do are A's pull stunts that are hard to over look? You bet. Will we survive through? Yes sir.
I did too...I got on chat and after venting a bit and getting some support and comfort I felt better. I was even able to laugh a bit before leaving.
It helps so much to talk to friends who understand.
Next time you feel like this get on chat if you can, chances are there will be someone there who understands and can offer some ESH, or a loving shoulder to cry on.
I did the EXACT same thing last night too. Serenity prayer....over and over and over........and sitting in my bed having a conversation with HP......."WHY this,WHY that,What should I be focussing on,WHERE are you leading me................." on and on and on.
Glanced at the clock and YIKES!! It was 5.30am..........had I really been babbling on for so long?? Poor HP..... must have been really frustrated with me. I sat and read some of my "Courage to Change" Just flipped it open and read where it landed...............
"If only I had infinate wisdom" I secretly think."If only I could see everything before me,a clear path,the knowledge of how I must spend each moment of life!"But in meeting after meeting in Alanon I am reminded that I can only work with what I have today. I don't know what tomorrow will bring.What's more,I am probably better off NOT knowing. If I knew what was coming,I suspect that I would spend all my time trying to run from painful experiences instead of living. I would miss out on so much great stuff.
I can trust my HP to lead me through this day,so that I will be prepared for the future when it arrives and be able to work with whatever it brings.This leaves me time to enjoy the many gifts life has to offer,time that would otherwise be spent worrying. "It will shine when it shines". If I am willing to listen,I will receive all the information I need when the time is right.Just for today,I will know I'm in good hands!
WILLING TO LISTEN............. that hit me between the eyes. I was so busy babbling I forgot to be quiet and just listen. It's a big defect of mine. My brain goes into overtime and I babble non stop to HP all the rubbish going through my head..........I don't sleep(yawn!).........I obsess.Silence bothers me when I am obsessing.I forget to listen.
HP grant me the gift of being quiet enough to listen.
6am or shortly after I was sleeping peacefully.Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr....when will I ever learn???
for all the words of serenity you have offered me i wish i could do the same for you.
our minds can be so difficult when they obsess like that - and somehow at night it is worst of all.
during the day, the get busy and get better saying helps me to shift my mind patterns alot.
at night, i try to tell my self this is just my mind and i have control over it and it will change. i am such a believer in change and trusting it. i picture my thoughts being blown about in a storm, like a little boat on the ocean of all this chaos. then i picture a chain, going down, out of my mind, to what is deeper, truer, and anchored in what is my truth,my foundation, i guess my hp. i will not blow away because of my thoughts - i am anchored in love and compassion, and strength.
also, realizing that sometimes the dark night of the soul is just there because it is...and it always has something to offer us - something to learn from - and the next day usually seems that much brighter by compare.
i hope your day today has brightness. you have so much brightness in you that you share with us all. shine it on yourself today. it is a beautiful thing.
CJ wrote: thanks for the hugs (((much needed))). 5 am, gonna try to get an hour before work. i'm betting i'll have a pretty big share by tomorrow.
-- Edited by CJ at 08:10, 2007-01-08
Dear CJ:
Sometimes we just can't do it on our own. Please go to a doctor and see what he recommends. After my husband left me I could only sleep 2 hours a night. This went on for 4 months. When I finally told my doctor, he pretty much scolded me for letting it go on that long and immediately put me on Lorazipam, as he said that if I didn't get some sleep I was headed for a nervous breakdown, or exhaustion as they call it now. After that I became anemic and had to have a blood transfusion. My hemoglobin was at a 5. 15 is normal, 2 or 3 is dead. I received 3 pints of blood and got it up to a 10. Don't let the A ruin your physical health too. Please make an appointment with a doctor and tell him or her what's going on. I'll be praying for you.
In the future, I would suggest making an appointment with your primary care doctor to talk about being referred to a general psychiatrist to be evaluated for insomnia and depression. I would also suggest that perhaps journaling before bed nightly about whatever is in your head would also help because, by not censoring yourself, you'll feel as if you've gotten out "the garbage."
Additionnally, if there is a significant amount of garbage collecting in your mind, I would suggst perhaps seeking the name of a reputable councelor to help you work through long standing mental health issues.
We don't always get to sleep or to sleep peacefully for as long as we want in or out of recovery. Just a fact of life. When the disease was raging there were times I couldn't get to sleep for days. During my best days of serenity there have been days or nights when I couldn't get to sleep. Just the knowledge of this helps me to relax and not struggle. The Serenity Prayer said because it's a great communication with HP is now a thought and practice process for me and subconscious condition because I need those characteristics; Serenity, Courage and Wisdom just to live life with, without falling off a cliff somewhere that has a "Danger" sign in plain view. I don't always know why I cannot get to sleep. My mind doesn't always focus on one stressful condition but jumps all over the place without control or permission. There are lots of things that I can do with it. "Grant me the Serenity to Accept..." I accept I am not sleeping even though I want to. I accept that I am not able to control my troubled mind. I accept that this isn't the first time this has happened or will it be the last. I accept the fact of it. I can get up and go read a thoughtful book to occupy my time. My mind is already occupied, I am looking for something that will relax me and invite me to lay down again and sleep. I don't use alcohol anymore so that's out. I rarely use otc sleep aids. I try not to turn on the TV cause that is letting more people in with more uncontrolled behaviors and idea. My hearings gone so music and earphones are out. If I go to the 'fridge it will be for juice or milk and not something my stomach has to work hard on. That causes me a different set of problems. If I start to get sleepy...I go to the potty to take care of anything that might cause me to want to get up and then I say a prayer of gratitude for stuff I am grateful for and slip under the covers again. I might change my sleeping clothes...go lighter, heavier or minus one thing or two. When I get into bed I arrange my body into the most comfortable position I can find and close my eyes. I ask my HP to lay next to me and hold me while I sleep or I ask HP to allow me into the spirit world while my body sleeps.
All this doesn't take a whole lot of time. I works if I practice it and sleep on any level is better than none at all.
Go wash the sand out of your eyes, take a hot/warm shower, eat a good breakfast, (do this all with grateful prayer and meditation) and find something to dress in that tells you and everyone else that you're a happy, serene person who is rested, ready and willing to be a part of a good day.
Don't be afraid of not sleeping. This is a temporary condition and "This too will Pass". (I just love that slogan.) Let go of all of the hours that you haven't been able to sleep and re-experience the times that you have. You will sleep good again.
Hate that you had such an unrestful night - it's almost 3:30 cst where I am - so it's near the end of the work day for me - hope that it is also for you.
This afternoon, I pray you are able to go home to a peaceful house - enjoy a good meal, relax in a hot shower, watch the BCS game (if that is your liking) or maybe watch a good movie - maybe do some relaxing breathing/stretching exercises, freshly laundered sheets and newly fluffed pillows, watch the caffeine intake this afternoon, and hopefully you can jump into bed early tonight for a blissful night's sleep.
Wishing you peace, serenity, hope & love,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Definitely "been there, done that" CJ..... Sorry to hear that you are going through that...
My sponsor always reminded me to focus on the "what" as opposed to the "why". To do that, I had to answer (to myself) this very simple, straightforward question.....
"If I knew the answer to what I am obsessing about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I wish you peace and serenity...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I really appreciate the support, guys... I know it isn't right or normal, and I'm gonna try some of the things shared here. I'm sorry to say I cannot medicate or see a psych--there are too many implications due to my job/career. I just got home and plan to go to a meeting, grab a bite to eat with a fellow alanoner, then return home and put myself in bed.
I instructed my lawyer to file a divorce decree this morning. I am worthy of serenity and sanity.
bless you all for your kindness cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Hang in there. We are here for you. I love the serenity prayer. I thank you for writing, again, and again. That is exactly what I needed tonight! Thank you!
thinking of you cj....i know filing divorce papers is a heavy move. say that serenity prayer!!! i wish you strength and love today. and know we all care so much here about YOU. you are a brave, strong,compassionate, wonderful person cj. thanks for being you.
thanks all, for the support... i love that i can lean on you guys.. we are just no match for the disease, sometimes. i'm grateful for all. thank God for you all, and my 'family group'. i'm sorry i haven't posted all the news (sorry for me... as i need to share), but i still have to take care of my responsibilities -- hardly time. but i do want to tell you all that i slept like a rock last night. i had a caesar salad and some fettucini alfredo, and i think the milkiness (and i listened to my body... wanted some good food) helped... fell asleep around 11 and felt great at 0630.
i've posted about the legal-separation; and the court stuff and the other devious behavior i've been enduring has showed me her love... my first post, i shared how much i love her... as honestly as i can look at her actions, i don't believe she shares that same love. she's still in denial about drinking, and tomorrow she is arraigned for assault charges, and thurs is hearing #2 on the separation. i told my lawyer on monday that i wanted to change my "response" (she filed for separation) to divorce. HP guide me. My heart and my head are both in agreement that it is the best way for me to progress, and for her, too. She doesn't love me. I see that, and it is okay. I'm sad, but the hard things in life are just that... hard. anyhow, that's the bare bones. I wish I could stay up and post more, but it is midnight, and I really enjoyed the sleep last night!!! Thanks again, family, for helping me progress.
all my love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
