The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have much to learn here....I have been using this site since Labor Day last year, but since I also started school (in an attempt to focus on myself,) I have trouble staying with the program... Until I get myself into trouble again! Anyway, I am sooo grateful to be able to come here!! Life isn't so lonely afterall.
I can't write much today as I expect my AH to come walking in very soon, peeking over my shoulder. But, I was wondering if anyone could tell me about what I should do today. I am somewhat familiar with the "patterns" of behavior, but I am nervous about ME goofing up again....falling back into the pattern myself. A little background....We just had an enormous arguement in front of our marriage counselor the other day....I was shocked at my AH's lies about me. So....I engaged in the yelling. (Aaaargh!) Anyway, once we left the appointment, my AH acted like nothing happened. And, he's been soooo sweet ever since. I am trying not to get sucked into this, as I was completely traumatized by what he said about me to our counselor. Last nite, he was clinging to me in bed...all night long. I lost sleep over this because this is not the way we usually sleep in our king-sized bed. (Think of a baby monkey clinging to it's mother.....LOL)
Anyway....how do I proceed? I am guessing I need to detach but I haven't done this right yet. He usually ends up yelling, "Are you blowing me off???!!!"
Alanon teaches us not to get sucked in or react to a alcoholic when they are drunk. Was your A drinking when he said these things?
If not, I believe you have every right to tell him that his lies have upset you. Part of our recovery is making them responsible for what they do and say. You don''t have to yell or scream about it or engage in a fight. Telling him your feelings about what he did is like setting a boundary. He crossed the line. If it was unaccptable to you, by all means say so. He will have to deal with consequences. You don't have to be clinged to if you don't want to. I would think lying to the counselor is quite important. You can't move forward as a couple that way. Our serenity is not based on letting pople walk on us and ignoring all behaviors.
Take care Christy
-- Edited by Christy at 12:09, 2007-01-07
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I'm with Christy... if you have to, try to respond to his outbursts instead of reacting in the same manner. I think it also may be possible that he felt the marriage counselor was a "safe" place to vent... not that lies are ever to be given credence... what did the counselor say? is the counselor an addiction specialist? your serenity is yours. reacting, for me, is the first thing that takes mine away.
with love cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
My H was NOT drinking before the session with our counselor. And, our counselor is NOT an addiction specialist rather, a couples counselor. I can see now, that is a mistake.
Anyway, I appreciate the help! My behavior has been to engage in the yelling or walk away when it gets impossible. (It does not take alcohol to cause a rage in him.) I walked away from him today too. He got angry at how I "spoke" to him. (I had made my plans for the day and he wanted to join me...shopping. I told him to hurry up and get ready because I was ready to leave. Everything seemed just fine. But, as he was getting showered, it occurred to him that what I said ("hurry up") was disrespectful and hurt his feelings. So when he got out, he wanted an apology from me for talking to him like that. When I tried to explain that we can still have a good time now that he is ready, he demanded an apology first. I said, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and I walked away. He expects me to remember what reminds him of his painful childhood (he's over 50) and he constantly expects apologies from me. It's impossible to know what will set him off.
I have a lot to learn from Al Anon, I realize that. I am here because serentiy sounds like a wonderful thing! Thank you all for being here with me.
I would encourage you to try to get to f2f meetings, if at all possible. This site is helpfull, but gettting right into the program, going to meetings and getting a sponsor would help you stay on track.
Your actions are your business, don't do anything you are ashamed of, and if you do, apologize. His REactions are his, and you don't really have to worry about them. You are not responsible for how he takes things - though if you find that most of his reactions result in unacceptable behaviour, you might want to think aobut what you are getting from the relationship.
When in the throws of what you experienced I have come to find that reading the literature or talking to my sponsor or an al anon friend about the 3 A's (awareness, acceptance, and action <what am I going to do about it?>) and about unacceptable behavior, which brings me back to the 3 A's. One the the CAL books says that acceptance does not mean one has to accept unacceptable behavior ....
I read your post as saying you were aware in the moment it was happening in the counselor's office that unacceptable behavior was going on -- now it's just working with an al anon friend through the next 2 A's, cause I'm hearing that you didn't like the "action" you took in the moment.
I'm also wondering if there is a forgiveness issue going on ...and I used to get all wound up in that until in al anon I learned that there is a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. For me when there has been a breach of trust, through lies, etc, until the other person owns their behavior so I can feel there is some hope that it won't occur again (and I understand we all have moments, and slips, and I can work with that), and again, well, until that happens reconciliation doesn't happen. For me, trust is earned. And when breached it needs to be repaired and re-earned.
And I find that now that I've changed my behavior, well, everyone else does not change theirs immediately. It'd be way easier if they did, but that takes time, too - and I need to believe very deeply in me during that time cause sometimes they push back hard.
