The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's a crisis for the A.....I am trying to stay on track, things have been going good for me, new job, going through the feelings and feeling them of losing my mom. My A for the most part has been a good husband, coming home after work, not hanging out in the bars, although he's still drinking.
It started Wednesday, short stop at the bar, then Thursday again the bar. Friday he went with his buddy to look at a side job, stayed at the customer's house (someone his buddy went to school with) and drank, stopped at the bar at the way home. Big football game today, he went to a different bar but stopped at the regular bar on the way home because he won some money on the football board. Then the call!!!! Some guy kept bugging my A at the bar, chest to chest with him, calling him out. My A was outside smoking, according to him when he tried to go back in the bar the guy got up in his face to he two hand pushed the guy, the guy who was also intoxicated flew backwards hitting his head and split it open and knocked the guy out. The A told the bartender to call 911 and the bartender told him to leave. That was two hours ago! He has stopped twice on his way home, once to drink water and try to sober up the second stop at a friends who was having a poker party, I'm sure he drank there....he says he's on his way home now. The bartender called him and said they took the guy to the hospital no cops showed up.
How do I keep focused on me......????? I have drank my sleepy time tea, took 1/2 of anxiety medicine, I know all the stuff, this is his not mine........I need experience to stay focused.....
If we were robots it'd be nice...but we aren't, we're human. I truly don't know anyone with enough program to just shrug this stuff off.
What I did was place my hubby in HP's hands and trust that whatever the journey, it was the one he was supposed to be on. I had to understand that that most of my angst was fear and projection. Whatever did happen was going to happen whether I worried myself to death or not. Sometimes reasoning and reality was the only way I could find to take care of myslelf.
take care Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I, too, find it hard to keep the focus on me when the A in my life is in an A-chaos-whirlwind.
You're doing great applying the program--reaching out here, taking care of yourself first (by drinking tea, taking medicine, and getting ready for bed).
Here are some additional tools that I use to keep the focus on me, not the A:
1) I acknowledge the crisis. I get very specific about what the crisis is. Then, I get quiet, and in my mind I draw an invisible protective line all the way around the outside of me (like a giant invisible bubble). I imagine all of the quiet, peace and serenity in the bubble where I am. I may be able to observe the chaos outside of the bubble, but I can not hear it and feel a distance from it. Nothing can touch me, I am serene.
2) I say the serenity prayer. And focus on quieting my body and my mind. When I get to the part accept the things I cannot change, I list very specifically what the things I cannot change are. When I get to the part change the things I can, I list those things I can change and then do them. When I get to the wisdom to know the difference, I ask my HP for help in knowing the difference and maintaining my serenity.
3) I focus on the quiet in my house (only possible, of course, if your A has not returned). I breathe in the quiet and breathe out the quiet, I focus just on the quiet and the realization that SERENITY IS ALWAYS AVAILABLE for the taking, I just have to focus on it.
4) I ask myself, what do I need to do for me IN THIS VERY MOMENT? If it's sleep, I do everything I can to ensure an uninterrupted sleep: turn off the phone, put on jammies, drink something warm, like milk, read a little bit of a good book. A little good music also often helps me and keeps me thoughts on me and off the A.
5) Pray OUTLOUD. I just pour my heart out to my HP, and I do it outloud. I find this stops my whirling, whirling brain, and really allows me to seek the comfort of my HP. I say whatever is on my heart, in the order that it comes. I say all my worries, all my fear, all of what I need help with, and I fully acknowledge the exact state of things--what the crisis is (with specifics), what my feelings are, etc. For example, using your example, I might say, "Dear HP I just got a call from my husband and he was in a fight. I am sooo worried. I am trying not to worry but I am. I keep worrying when he'll get home, and if he'll get home safely. I am lying in my bed in my favorite blue nightgown, I drank my hot sleep time tea, but I still cannot sleep. Please help me. I need your comfort..." I use what ever words feel truest, most natural too me, and it really relieves my burden.
6) Additional tools I use: calling my sponsor (A LIFESAVER!), working the steps, reading from one of the readers, calling other Al-Anon members, leaving the house, remembering to LOOK UP (and see it's a big wide universe out there), remind myself that HP is father of my A and me BOTH, and that I do not have to be my A's HP in any way.
(((((((Marmare)))))), these are the tools I use, and sharing them with you, it's wonderful to be reminded of what has worked for me. With all of these tools, too, it helps if I first acknowledge where I REALLY am--worried sick, mind whirling a thousand miles an hour, etc. and then try the tool. I also try to remind myself that it's COMPLETELY NATURAL to be worried, etc. I just don't have to stay there if it's hurting my peace of mind. Please take what you like, leave the rest.
It would be so nice if there were words that could instantly take away the pain and make your hubby appear at your doorstep.
Your hubby is in HP's hands, and so are you. You came here to reach out and get some ESH.
What I do when hubby is out doing this, is I write him a letter, getting all the pain, anger, and resentment out. I don't give it to him, I just write it for me. It helps get the ugliness out and then I am open to the serenity of this program.
I don't know about you, but for me all I want to know is if he is safe and hasn't hurt anyone. I don't always want him to come home. The peace that is in the house is so nice and so wanted. It isn't there when he is active in his disease and here.
Just know that we are here for you. Praying for you. Supporting you.
Yours in recovery,
Mandy
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
Sorry you're going through this. All you can do is try to turn him over to his HP and pray that he will get home safely without hurting anyone. I'll say an extra prayer for you. Remember you're doing the best you can, and that's all we can do.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
