The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Many times I feel unworthy, I see an attractive man and think he wouldn't want me, why would he want me, etc. I keep thinking if I change this or that then I will meet or attract the right person, the person I really want to be with. Sometimes I see this as ridiculous but most of the time I think if I could just get thinner I could attract the kind of man I want and I see this as realistic. I think about relationships and wonder why bother and think negative things about myself or the imagined outcome of even attempting such a thing. Is anyone else who is single struggling with this? I think this is the biggest thing that could make me suck myself back in to being with the A - the realization that he already knows all my details and is ok with me as I am.
It's hard not to get down when I compare my perfectly imperfect outsides/insides with someone else's very attractive outsides.
I find the better I treat myself, the more confident I feel about my ability to have a healthy, strong relationship.
This week, I really treated myself--lit candles each morning, put on good music, had a healthy breakfast. That care went a LOOOOONG way in helping me feel better about my situation with my A parent, and my recovery.
Treating myself well and noticing what I like, what helps ground me and keep me centered, etc. Also gives me clarity on what kind of partner I looking for. It keeps me asking questions like, "Who would be good for me? What qualities would compliment my strengths and balance my weaknesses? What do I feel like I have to offer someone else?" That way, the focus stays on me, who I am, what I have to offer, and stays off of questions like, "Why would THEY want to be with ME?"
A key slogan for me in terms of tackling this issue is: I cannot think my way into right acting, I have to act my way into right thinking.
What this slogan means for me, is that I have to focus on ACTIONS (even when my thinking is still about how unworthy I am), that convey to me that I AM WORTHY. For me, being kind to myself in ALL areas emotionally, spiritually, physically, socially, etc.--REALLY NURTURING myself--my interests, who I am at my core, etc. helps convey to me that I AM WORTHY. And, when I do this, it doesn't take too long for my brain to catch up. The trick is to be persistent in treating myself well and keeping up my right actions.
Yep know those feelings all too well. Kind of reminded me of being an awkward teenager! But when I search my heart, deep down inside, I know those things aren't true. "I am who I am. I am my own special creation." Yes there are areas I can improve. But when you really look at it, I haven't raped, killed or done anyone harm intentionally. I am a good person. A big part of recovery for me, is realizing that I can take back my life. I can and will live strong. I have areas of my life that I can work on. But I do deserve a life rich and worthy as anyone else. It's sooo much easier to love others than ourselves. Just part of being human I guess.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I can relate to what you're saying. I often feel as if there is something wrong with me and that I'm not as good as other people. My mother always told me that I was dumb and ugly and that nobody liked me so when I get down that's the voice I hear in my head.
Carolinagirl, I wonder why you want to "attract a man" at all. Be who you are. Be true to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to blossom without having to please anyone else but YOU!! In the fullness of time the right man may come along, but you must not live your life fretting about it.
It's too much work worrying about what others may think of how we look, how we dress, how we speak, etc. It's what WE think of OURSELVES that counts. Someday, someone else is going to be ok with the way you are.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
First we have to get all the lies out of our heads. The lies that we have come to believe about ourselves that we are not perfect creations. That we are not good enough.
When we get to a place where we believe that we are what we are and that we accept who we are and stop trying to be someone we are not then how we "look" will change. We will emit that confidence and love of ourself outward. That! is what is attractive to others!
I have felt this way too. What I really wanted wasn't a man's acceptance. It was self-acceptance and inner peace I wanted. I looked at areas of my life I didn't like and told myself either accept it or change it, so I started changing them little by little. I am taking yoga classes and writing a personal plan which resembles a business plan. This gives me a defined purpose in life. When I start feeling angry, I break out the pen and start writing a poem about how I feel. Then the anger is over and I've got a cool poem. I purchased some paints and started painting small canvases. When I feel sad, I take a nice bubble bath and read some soothing literature. I signed up for chanting classes starting Friday night. This allows more opening from within. I met a new friend who referred the classes. When my place gets messy, I think about my personal plan, which states that my children are a blessing and that one day I will look back and wish that mess was still there. I was on my way to the grocery store one day with my daughter and said to myself, "I'll go later. I rented a canoe and we rowed around for 2 hours looking at deer and birds. I am learning to seek my miracles. I am starting to see more and more around me. Don't get me wrong. There are bad days, but they don't last as long. I feel like I am on a journey, but it's up to me to make it happen. When bad things happen, look for the opportunities. I have also started cutting out pictures in magazines to do a creative visualization collage of what I want in my future and vision myself in it. There are so many things you can do to change your life. A great book recommended to me is The Artist's Way. The woman who recommended this was in the same situation all of us are/have been. She also did therapy for 2 years. She has since remarried a wonderful man and is loving life. I hope this will give you inspiration and hope.
I think I have felt a tremendous amount of shame around the a's behavior. I also know I've felt shame about my own tantrums, controlling and sulking. I know I feel 100% better these days because I don't get as over involved with him. I used to try to "make" him recover.
I also used to project that shame everywhere. I thought the neighbors thought less of me. The truth is that they are pretty busy with their own lives. I no longer have knock down drag out fights with the A that helps.
I have sought out one or two people who I share my life with. They are non judgemental, interested and concerned. I try to keep current in what I am dealing with. I'm no longer looking for rescue. I know my life ahead with or without the A will be difficult. I used to think it would be more difficult without him now I think its more difficult with him.
Plenty of people remarry and have other relationships. As we evolve in recovery we look at other people in different ways. I am now attrated to very very different men than I was before. For a start physical traits for me at least are no longer as important as they once were. I think I am also no longer as attracted to the "charmers". I look at everything differently, work, friendship the works. I feel like that is one of the gifts that al anon has brought me. I also know that I can't plan too far ahead. I'd certainly like to get married and have a relationship. I'd also like to be free of codependence. I look forward to a life ahead these days. I know my issues are workable and I'm responsible only for myself.
Absolutely, as you can tell, this is a common thing. Alcholism tears us apart from the inside out. No matter how, realistically, we have earned something, we find our selves discounting it.
I know for me that the 4th step, and daily continuing 10th steps are critical here. The 4th step showed me where I was at in my thinking. It showed me the root of my patterns; I mean, it's hard to feel good about your self when your father is calling you a "lazy pice of sh***" to your face all the time.
But as time went on--and professional help was critical here, I found myself countering his derisive, ugly words. I found myself firmly believing I was beautiful, from the inside out. Going for a haircut. Getting a manicure. Getting my brows done. Going to the underwear bin at Khol's and getting the *say it Victoria's secret style* sexy lowrider's helped reinforce the belief that I AM a worthy, beautful woman. Like it was said, I had to act my way into recovering thinking. Then, I thought my way into recovering acting. I believed it.
Your sponsor will also be critical here. Working with her, hanging around with people in general who are affirmative and loving in appropriate ways will affirm your beliefs that you are cultivating to yourself. Also, trying to limit your contact with people like your A will make a significant difference here
How about a big sign taped to your mirror - the mirror that you brush your teeth, comb your hair - all that fun stuff - 1st thing in the morning that says:
I am worthy - My God says so!
Now, you may not feel that right now or believe it - but reading that sign everyday & having the willingness to be willing can help those feelings of being "less than" disappear and we can blossom into the beautiful people that are living deep inside of us.
Keep working - although you may not feel it right now - you are growing in recovery.
One Day at a Time,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Aloha Carolina!! What a great post!! I was taught (by an Alateen member) that happiness is and INSIDE job and no one else is responsible for it. That was a big AHA!! I don't need another person especially to be responsible for that happiness and besides they would have to sacrafice from their journey because I was needy. If I want to feel good or great about myself I go help others in need and not let anyone else find out. (Just for Today Pamphlet) If I want to feel good about myself I go take care of things on my plan (my responsibilities) as very best I can. Perfect is out of the question. If my alcoholic shows acceptance of me that's great. Alcoholics are sick not bad and very often mine had to put up with unacceptable behaviors in me while I was thinking that she was absolutely useless. We don't have to accept unacceptable behavior, they don't have to either. Your last statement is something to think about while staying with your own program.
