The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well everyone probably already KNOWS why I am here so I guess to tell you what is going on and how I feel is the next step right!?!?
My husband has come to the realization that he has a problem!! He has smoked pot for 15 years or so. But he REALLY started getting into things worst when he got a back injury 8 months ago-ish. He was prescribed oxicodone. Well apparently it spun out of control and he was using 5 times the amount he was prescribed. Of course buying illegally!! Well he broke his bowl that he has had for years and I guess that was a sign. He is going into a 28 day program on Tuesday. He is at a CDA meeting right now.
I have always hated him smoking pot, it has been the thing we argue about more than anything!! But I delt with it. I did not know about the pills til this past week. I feel kind of stupid. I mean I sould have know right!?!? I knew he was taking them, but did not babysit him....how was I to know to count his pills and check the milligrams?? I am proud of him for getting help and doing so on his own accord, but I am scared!!!! What if things between us change???? We have been together for 8 years and I love him dearly!! It would break my heart for us to get divorsed or not be together!!!! I want to help him through this but I am scared and dont know how to help him!! He has always been my crying sholder....I'm not so sure if I can hold up to be his!!!! His parents know and have offered to help me out financially and with our child, but I dont know if I can talk to them about my fears!! I would talk to my mom but I know she would do nothing but ridicule me and suggest I leave him. My aunt has a husband who is into coke, and has been arrested several times on DUI's and my mom and grandmother talk about how dumb she is to stay with him and are constanly making negetive comments!! I have thought about calling my aunt, but I guess I am scared and would not know what to say....not only that I dont want it getting back to my mom. I want to help, but I am so scared!! I figured this is a good place to start....I have been kind of chicken to go to a local meeting just cause I dont want to be judged....but then again everyone is there for the same reason!!!! I guess I just dont want to admit it!!
Welcome welcome welcome. You are very right in that this is a good place to start. You'll find a lot of terrific help and advice here... we call it ESH (experience strength and hope). My wish to you is to realize a few things:
1. You didn't cause it 2. You can't cure it 3. You can't control it
It takes a lot of courage to lay it all out here -- but you might find that sharing your story and writing what is on your mind can give you comfort and a better ability to COPE with the entire situation. Thanks for being here and please, please, continue posting with us!
with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I feel guilty cause I did not TRY to help....I just kind of swept it under the carpet and ignored what was going on. NOT cause I did not care but cause I know you cant make someone do something they dont want to do and my husband til now was uwilling to change and all me nagging him did was caused us to fight. Not that things ever got physical!! I am scared cause I dont know what he will be like sober. And if I truly love him why did I not PUSH him and intervene???? I dont want him to end up questioning me and my feelings for him. My child and him are my life and I dont know what I would do without either of them in it!! I am SO scared!! I dont want him to know....well at least right now cause I am sure he is going through ALOT right now!!!! I need to be strong for him, my lean on him right now. How do I over come my fears???? How do I do it without leaning on him, like I always have?? We are the best of friends and I feel like I have let him down....You know that commercial about drunk driving?? Friends dont let friends drive drunk!! I feel like the friend that allowed a friend to drive drunk!!!! And that friend crashed!! I know it is NOT my fault, he was doing this before we met!! I know I cant cure him, cause when I was younger I tried to change my father, who abandoned us, and all that caused was hurt. I know I cant control it cause the only person you can control is yourself....BUT I feel like I enabled him to do it and basically said it was OK to do!! I have always hated it and just hoped he'd out grow it....but it never happend!! How do I not feel guilty???? I know I did nothing wrong but I feel like i let him down and I am hoping he wont hate me for it later on!!!! Is this normal to feel this way????
Welcome to MIP and your recovery. You said "how do I not feel guilty" and you probably do. That is not unusual. I have as well. But that is why they call this a family disease. It effects everyone in different ways. Your guilt is your part of this disease and you are in the right place to explore it.
The 3 C's that CJ lined out is the reality that helps us know we "should" not feel guilty about a decission that our spouse or loved one made. Forgiveness helps us get over it.
Have to run, but wanted to welcome you... and know you are not alone. This is a great place full of wonderful people who are very familure with where you are right now. I invite you to keep posting. It is good for all of us.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I know I should NOT feel guilty but I do and I dont know HOW to not!! I am hoping to find the strength to go to a meeting and talk about this face to face with people....but I cant yet. I really wish I could tell my mom....it would help with me not having to lie about my husband being out of town for a month....But I know she would not understand and push me to leave him. Which is NOT what I want to do!!!! I dont know if she would understand, but she is the detective type who would think something is fishy and try to figure it out!!!! Our child knows he is going out of town and I wonder what our child knows and does NOT know!! Our child is 6....do you think our child knows anything?? I feel like I have the weight of the world on my sholders!!!! And I dont know how long I can support it!! It is SO scary!!!! I guess that is the only other feeling I have other than guilt is the fear of what happens next!!!! I know we will be different but how????
i think the best thing you can do for yourself, your child, and your husband would be to get to a face to face Al-anon meeting. You can usually find them in a local newspaper or some online research or the phonebook... they say, if you are not satisfied after attending 3 meetings, they'll refund your misery... :)
you will find tools there to understand how to best help yourself and your situation, which, in turn, will help the addict in your life. i would make going to a meeting a priority. it has helped my life, immensely.
with love, cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Our child knows he is going out of town and I wonder what our child knows and does NOT know!! Our child is 6....do you think our child knows anything??
Welcome, Klynn ~
Your 6 year old probably knows a lot more than you think! My AH (alcoholic husband) is having what you might call a rough year or two. He went through detox three times last fall, was arrested twice for shoplifting booze during that time, and last Saturday totalled his car and was arrested for DUI.
I have 3 kids - 7-1/2, almost 6 and 4 yesterday. I left at the end of September because it just became more than I could handle. And my children were growing up learning to count how many empty beer cans Daddy left. Whenever he left the house, my youngest asked if Daddy was going to buy more beer. (Unfortunately, that was usually the case.) My son, who will be six later this month, would invent games revolving around keeping Daddy from drinking beer. And my oldest daughter just wanted to please Daddy and keep him happy so he wouldn't drink. It's always amazed me how much they knew about what was going on.
I'm right with you on the guilt and responsibility part, too. I felt very guilty for "letting" him keep drinking all these years, but truthfully, short of locking him up, there was nothing I could do to prevent it.
If you're not comfortable talking with your mom (we're living with mine now, so believe me when I say I completely understand that!), then please find yourself a local face-to-face meeting where you can talk about how you're feeling. You need to take care of yourself and your son first.
thanks!! well I did an emeeting here tonight, and it seemed good. I guess to find a face to face one is the next thing to do. With the pot and pills they are not laying around so I dont think our child knows anything, but I could be wrong!! MY husband hides when he smokes. So again I dont think our child knows but I could be wrong!! We talked tonight about he "allowing" him to do it and he said that no matter what I had said he still would have done it....so I guess it I dont have anything TO be guilty about, but it is hard letting go for some strange reason!!!! Any ideas on why?? I'm used to having all the answers....but I'm now the one with the questions!!!! This is so weird!!!! I am SO glad he is getting help!!!! And I still believe that things happen for a reason....Good and Bad!!
