I am having such a really really bad day at the moment.  The hotel didn't pay me. They are jerking me around.  I now have to wait a few days and then file for the labor board if needbe.  Needless to say that is a tremendously long process and I hope I don't have to go down that.  Of course the a has no money ever.  He asks me to pay for the most basic stuff because he'd rather play video games day and night than organize himself to do anything. Right now he won't even comb his hair. I don't ask him of course.  I am through begging him to live.

In addition the place I currently work at hasn't paid me either. So once again I have to borrow on the credit cards. The A heard me this morning making calls on that and just went into some vicious oh don't bother me stuff. I used to feel tremendously abandoned by that.  Now I don't. I just know he is sick to the bone.  I guess that is progress to not be in a sea of hurt that he is totally incapable of being emotionally present for one second of time beyond demanding that I attend to him.

The A got some speeding ticket last night I am pretty sure of it.  I think back to buying the truck to help him out 4 years ago....  All the red flags were out but I was in full rescue mode.  Let me show you how much I love you I thought.  Let me help and you will love me. The more I helped the A the more he d me.  The more he pushed me away.  He truly idolizes only those who use and ignore him.  He is devastated that his mother has left and ignores him but that's really all she has done his entire life and he is reluctant even desperate to not face it.  He idolized this incredibly toxic friend of his who used up every ounce of my energy because I did not know how to set limits.  By the time I did set limits the friend had moved onto someone else he could sap the wind out of (he basically went back to his wife).  I can track now how sick I was in people pleasing and rescuing and I know I've made progress but I feel like I am still in a life threatening place living around the a on any level he is so so toxic and sick.

I have stopped rescuing but I am still paying such a huge price for it.  How long do I get punished for helping him?

There are days like today when I really think some days it would be easier if he just let go and crashed the truck and destroyed himself.  It would be eaiser than this constant tantrum, depression withdrawal, crisis stuff he does.  But of course I say nothing, absolutely nothing.  I say very very little to him anymore.  There is nothing to say he is lost in the sea of his addiciton and I am leaving him there rather than cajoling him out on any level so I run and then I have to deal with how I feel which is pretty raw today of all days.

I fully expect the electricity to be turned off next. The A does so little he doesn't even open his mail.  He just leaves them lying on the floor or wherever he throws them.  He can barely muster the energy to do anything but watch TV or play video games and sometimes he can't do that talk about regress . He has not worked more than 10 hours in a week for weeks now.  He says he has enough to cover the rent but I am sure he has spent it.  In November I had a huge row with him about money because he started demanding it from me and had these long involved stories about his bank account being owed money and more.  I refuse to row anymore there is no point confronting him. He lies about everything including the ticket last night. He says he has no ticket when I'm sure I will see one in the mail. He also has to lose everything no matter what effort I make to get things straight.  One crisis leads to the next  All the stuff for the truck which of course I pay for is always in disarray and of course he has no idea how it got that way!  I guess he has a leprachaun who follows him around and does it because he has no inkling how he loses every single piece of paper that is important.   He rails about it and does nothing but drown in self pity. I have been in my own purgatory of self pity, rage, resentment so I know what it is to go there its quicksand and I know I can't join him or it will kill me this time.  

I just wish he would die I him so much at the moment.  I don't tell him that of course and I used to rage and rage and rage and rage at him for hours on end leaving him horrible messages, telling him, telling his friends. Now I say nothing but oh what a discipline to say nothing when I feel like I do.  Now I say nothing but the feelings are there right at the surface sometimes choking me.  I feel absolute cold hard rage at him for making my life so impossible.  I stopped rescuing I think which was one way I dealt with this rage but it is so hard to manage.  He is a shell of a human being after so many years of using. He sits and drowns in self pity, rage and resentment and wonders why his life is not better. I  He has burned me to a crisp so many times now and trying to change him was a way to manage my feelings of rage and now I just have to meet them with kindness and compassion rather than erupt with them.

I had days like this in November and I felt awful.  I ended up having huge fights with him and got totally overwrought. I  am not going there again no way no how I had to have a friend really pull me back because I missed work and ended up in such a fight with him. The irony is he feels better after he lashes out at me I know it but I'm no longer willing to be his scapegoat.  I am determined not to do that so I spend most of the time out of the house. I go to work early and sit in the cafeteria.  I don't know what I will do this weekend. I know I absolutely him now in ways I never did before.  I am also absolutely clear that I cannot absolutely cannot live with him for much longer and I sit on my plan b day and night working on ways to improve it work on it and try to find ways to make it work faster, anything faster to be away from his poison. 

At the same time I just wish he would die.  I know I want to preserve my truck which I have nearly killed myself paying for.  At the same time last night when I was waiting for him to pick me up (the one thing he has to do in the day and he can't do it!) I had that he had had a wreck and was gone and it was a relief really.  I guess all I can do is pray for relief thats it. This is a higher power moment to feel such rage and hatred and turn it over rather than have it destroy me.

Maresie.