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Happy new year!! I hope it is filled with happiness, hope, health for everyone.
Just took my 5th step today with a fellow member and feel really good about how far I've come, and so much more realistic than I used to be about how far I have to go. I'm so grateful to this program for helping me to open my eyes and let go of the delusions and misconceptions about myself and the A in my life.
Meanwhile, I'm dealing with how to (perhaps whether to) part from my A partner. We've been involved for about 8 years. In April, the A asked for a "break" but we continued to live in the same house (not necessarily my best work at boundaries) Recently, she went back to the states for the holidays and a three month respite (FYI, I/we live overseas). Was an up and down kind of summer with her, and I finally took care of myself and became comfortable with letting go of her and moving on.
Just a few weeks ago, before she returned to the US, she spoke of reconciling again. It just about knocked me over! After telling me I was "unhealthy" months before and spending the following months jumping between trying to build a friendship and her not speaking to me for weeks at a time, well, I was shocked (to say the least!). Now she is planning to come back to live overseas with me in April until she finds work overseas (for how long I dont know). I know that I have to articulate my needs and boundaries but now I'm having a hard time determining what I want. I want to be clear and I want to be compassionate.
Until now, I wanted to let go and move on, while maintaining a friendship, if possible (I still care about her greatly and really want the best for her--she celebrates 2 years of sobriety next month). Maybe that's unreasonable. I have indicated to her that I want to date again--others, and perhaps her--but I still think I want to let go for now and dont know whether I should consider reconciliation. We're both different people know and I do still care for her. Still I don't know how I feel about her moving back here in a few months. (It's really nice to finally have space to myself!) I do know if I dont want her to return, its better to communicate that while she's in the US while she has time to plan.
Any experience on how to let go lovingly??
Thanks for the insight and for the love and support.
Hugs from far away....
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"If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?"
WOW, that's a difficult question and I'm certain just as difficult to make a decision.
I have no experience with a spouse or significant other in this area but I can tell you how I handled it with my son.
When he was ready to be released from rehab he had to have an address to go to before they would release him. He asked if he could come home and live with his dad and I. The thought of telling my son that he could not come home nearly sent me into a tumble. I never thought when he was two years old and I was rocking him to sleep that I would ever be facing making that decision. I talked to some people in program for guidance and was given these instructions to help me make a decision.
1. If you don't know what to do then don't do anything....so I told him I would have to think about it and let him know.
2. Remove my emotions from the equation and make a list of the pro's and con's of both him coming to live with us and telling him that he couldn't.
3. My final decision was that he could come here for one week and at the end of that week he had to find alternate housing.
It was a very difficult decision for me to make but it's one I can honestly say that I made on my own (I say on my own when in reality hubby and I made this decision together).
You are the only one that can weigh things out and decide which way you want to go with this and be comfortable with your decision. Talk to your sponsor or with another program member if you need to bounce it all off someone face to face.
Good Luck and I am certain that you will make the right decision.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
In my opinion, I think you are doing a tremendous job in your recovery. From what I see, you have a difficult situation, yet in the post, you've answered your own question. You stated that you wanted to date others, and perhaps her, too. She wants to reconcile and, I take it, move back in with you? She wants. She wants. What is it, again, that YOU want?
How to let go with compassion? Tell her the truth. Tell her your feelings. Tell her you don't feel the same way about reconciling. Be honest with YOU, and her too. In my experience, anything less than being honest makes for problems and resentment on both sides. I try to keep doing what is right, and not what is easy... with such a big commitment of money and resources, if you are undecided, tell her you are undecided and not to make any immediate plans.
Truly, I wish you all the best and continued serenity. with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Recently, she went back to the states for the holidays and a three month respite (FYI, I/we live overseas). Was an up and down kind of summer with her, and I finally took care of myself and became comfortable with letting go of her and moving on.