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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been thinking a lot lately about ruts and pits. I read a book over the holidays called Get out of the Pit. I found the book very helpful. It basically tells how at some point or another we all get in a pit, and although we can't get out of them ourselves, if we ask our HP (God) for help He will help us out. (Basically our steps--knowing we are powerless and turning our will and lives over to the care of God.) Now the author didn't use our steps, she was just a Christian author who has been through some tough times herself (I believe her father was an alcoholic or at least a close family member was.)
Before Thanksgiving I was in such a pit--(I've actually been there for years--even before I met my A, but I did dig it deeper once getting involved with him). I have just felt so completely alone, I saw life passing me by, everyone going on and I felt like I was just a spectator. In a way I had tried to change things--changed jobs, started singing with my church, but I was still miserable. I attended my Alanon F2F meetings regularly, and posted and read here,tried to work the steps, but I still felt no real connections. But I made a decision to get out of my pit. That is my goal for this year! My biggest pit is my mind and there are moments it tries to put me back in and I am sure it will get tougher this year (my goodness there have only been 5 days so far I still have 360 to go), but I don't want to feel life has past me by and all I got was older and saggier!!! I want to look back and scream Man what a ride!!!!!!!!!
Last night my mil called my husband to gripe and complain and whine about my fil. They are divorced and she is remarried. She always calls to "cry" about how the community is against her and how they all think she is going to hell and she wants him to call people and set the record straight and that what she says about his dad is really true-he isn't the saint they think he is. Now this woman is around 63, she cheated on my fil, then divorced him, then had an affair with him while married to current husband. The woman is just sad and miserable, she looks for stuff and others to make her happy. By the time they hung up I was a little less than serene! (She also told my husband he shouldn't go to so many AA meetings, he should be home with his family. To which he replied sure he could stop going to meetings if she wanted him to start stealing from her again and lying to her and his family, and if he wanted her so messed up he wouldn't ever be seeing his family again--[way to go AH!!!!!]) ANYHOO!!! I know this woman is in a very big pit and she needs help to get out of it. She could use Alanon b/c she has 2 children that are addicts/alcoholics, but she really refuses to see that. Even after my husband has been in and out of AA for almost 2 years now, she thinks it is all in his head and now that he is sober he is just "preachy". She made the comment to me that she didn't know how I could stand it and she bet I missed the old guy. Now as calmly as I could I stated that I would take his "preaching" anyday and everyday, if that's what it took to keep him sober--he is a much better, happier, healthier guy now. (she looked at me like I was nuts) So to make a long story the same length as it's going to be--this woman really irritates me and I try to avoid her so I won't be dragged into her mess-pit. I hope I can do this calmly and rationally b/c today I really have such a strong urge to call her up and give her a piece of my mind. I thought about writing her a letter, but I'm still not sure I can be nice enough that way.
But I know this I have spent too many years looking at black/brown gritty nasty pits and I want out and I want to stay out!!!! I am praying this year that no matter what happens continued sobriety of my husband or not I will do what I need to do to stay out and avoid pits!!!!
Love you all and thank you for helping me get to this place!!!!
Right there with ya sweetie....in those deep dark pits.
I want out too! I want to make so many changes this year. One is that I don't want to sit in front of the tv at night in my rocker/recliner and rock myself to sleep before 8:00 pm. Last night I got my butt out of that chair when I started to get sleepy. I sat in another chair that doesn't rock...lol. Well, at least I stayed awake. I also notice that if I don't eat sugar in the evening I am better at staying awake later.
There are many things that I would like to do at home. I really want to start scrapbooking. I've bought things to start but again....the motivation is not there. It is when I buy the stuff though I don't know where it goes.
I also have been collecting things to sell on ebay. I have alot of time to do these things and hubby is retired so he could do the shipping. Doesn't that sound like fun...not to mention the extra income.
I have heard in the past that people who grow up in an A family do better to get things done when they are under pressure. I don't know why that is but it rings true for my siblings too. Example: when I am getting ready for the holidays, I do not get much done until it is almost here. I cannot do a few things at a time. I seem to always wait until I am overwhelmed and run around like a crazy lady to accomplish things. Needless to say...everything does not usually get done.
I think the letter is a great idea... a long one with everything you ever wanted to tell her, and don't be subtile, be direct... then burn it cerimoniously.
I did that the other day when I was determined that my AW was just headed in the wrong direction. Of course didn't help her at all, but it sure helped me. I needed to leave her alone and give her the dignity to be an adult and figure this out by herself. I needed to stop trying to be her HP for her. Most of all, it was consuming my thoughts and I needed to unload it somehow. May not work for anyone else... but it worked for me.
My sponsor mentioned the idea a long time ago, I just never tried it.
I hope you find some way to make peace with this and keep us posted on ways to stay out of the "pit". I seem to have my own wing in there waiting for me. I visit more often than I like too.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
OOOHHHH--scrapbooking. I am going to start trying that myself. I want to do an album of our vacation. I have tried a couple times before, but I often have delusions of grandeur--thinking I do something and then realizing--maybe not! But this time I really want to try hard and take my time and hopefully what I see in my head I will find a way to put it together on paper. (I am a great idea person, not so great follow through!!)
About the growing up in an A family and getting things done better under pressure. I think some people are just that way. (Maybe more tend to live in an A home I don't know, but I grew up in a very stable family, but boy am I that way!!!!) I am a teacher and during the summer I think I am going to do all these "projects"--NEVER!!! I have too much time on my hands--does that even make sense? But it's true. I do much better in a time crunch than when I have loads of time. I think maybe secretly I like running around with my head cut off, makes me feel like I am accomplishing more--lol!
I am so proud of you for changing steps--BABYSTEPS you know! If we take too big of steps we might get dizzy!!!! :)
It would be nice to have a friend to climb out with!!!!
You do have friends to help you climb out of those pits - we are here for you. Sometimes I feel like I am so deep in those pits that I can't even see the top of the pit - even more so a way out.
That's when I remind myself - no matter what me & my HP are going to be ok - even better than OK. Doesn't mean I stuff the feelings I having - just try to trust a power greater than me to take care of the big stuff.
I can understand the frustration with the AH's family. Our family can be the same way. I mean really - would you ask your A brother to go to the store to get your mother a bottle of wine? They did. What the heck is that about?? Or one sister always ask my husband to open her beer so she doesn't break her nails?? This is the same sister that offered to buy him a case of beer every day if he would stay away from the pills.
I always have to remind myself that they too have been affected by this disease and they are not in recovery. So they don't "get it". Doesn't mean I have to be around them if I don't want to - I can just have a little understanding of their actions. I know now that their actions are really about them and not me or my AH. Writing a letter and then burning it may help get some of those frustrations out of your system.
Hope that you continue working on getting out of the pits - Try it "Just for Today" & "Fake it til ya make it"
Never forget we are here for you if you need us,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Or one sister always ask my husband to open her beer so she doesn't break her nails??
This is the same sister that offered to buy him a case of beer every day if he would stay away from the pills. 
