The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The A I live with is in a huge sulk. He's playing video games night and day (he's always done that). He has let many of his bills go. He is not even initiating work anymore. I can't imagine what some of his customers must think (he is an electrician) he has cut his phone off. He has also let the internet go so I have to go online at work. When he's done this in he past I have stepped up codependence, stepped in paid for stuff, coerced and cajoled him to health. Now I say very little. I just keep on with my life. I have to say this is much much harder. I want to scream, stomp, cajole, invest, over react. Instead I say nothing. I feel tremendous resentment and some anxiety (but not the normal impending doom) and have to totally invest in not saying anything. I feel hugely provoked. I say nothing.
I have lived like this for years. He did this when he first got physically ill a few years ago. I went through my savings paying for everything. He paid me back by insisting I was mentally Then at one point he was insisting he was going to get a restraining order till he realised I could take the truck if he did that. That would leave him without transportation. He loves living on the precipice. Of course he has his stories of how terrible it all it and how it is everyone else's fault. I feel some of it is to get a reaction out of his mother who has moved several states away. She barely calls him. Now she will be greeted with a ineffective number and will no doubt be upset. Who knows?
Keeping on track with my own stuff is not familiar to me. I also have to keep on track with not beating myself up.
I have done this for so many years trying to persuade him to have a life then falling in a deep depression with resentment and paralysis over the rage turned inward.
I am determined not to do that. I feel totally alone, abandoned and ashamed of his behavior. I know it does not reflect on me. At the same time I feel furious at him and furious that he continues to submerge himself in his sulking that life is not entirely on his terms.
Keeping on track when I don't have the internet on hand is particularly difficult. I know now that I can live without a lot. I hope in time one of the things is being without him because I know I will go to an early grave it if stay with him.
((()) Maresie don't forget your Plan B. It is a New Year with 12 months for you to get on your feet. Remember the slogan about the powerlessness over your A. The only person you can control is you. Look how far you have come. Don't kid yourself here you are the strong one in this relationship. Set yourself tiny goals and acknowledge them as you achieve them. Stay safe. Luv Leo xx
I know how hard it is to not prop my A back up on his feet again. Whenever I get that urge to I picture a Mom dragging a reluctant pouting child, the kicking and screaming kind and ask myself if I really want to start this? LOL it is usually pretty easy to answer no.
I'm sorry you are not able to be online as much, I like seeing your posts, this too shall pass. Keep taking care of you, you're worth it!
hi i am new here and have so enjoyed this wonderful place i am glad you decided to post again
what you describe reminds me so much of my life with my A, who suffers from depression/anxiety. i remember putting my all into trying to have him enter into life...convincing him how beautiful it is, etc. to think back like that makes me exhausted.
it took soooo much energy to live like that. too much. for me. now that he is in rehab for at least a month, i have some of that energy for me and it feels so good. i say some of that energy, because even without seeing him or talking to him much, my heart and mind are very preoccupied with thoughts of him.
with the help of all you good people here, i am trying all day each day to put that energy into me and into things that nurture a positive life for me and my children. it is hard work. but i believe in it . and it feels good.
Detachment is a tough thing to practice - the readings in "Courage to Change" on detachment especially pages 124 & 168 really helped me to understand that detachment is a form of respect. Respecting the A's as individuals that they have the right to walk their own path without me interferring and Respect for myself that I don't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.
I am responsible for my garden of self and that is all. As long as I am busy tending to my garden - I usually don't have time to mess with anyone else's garden.
Just how I am learning to use detachment. Keep taking care of you - You deserve it.
Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
it was to be a repetition of the same old behavior pattern.
i looked him straight in the eye and said "no, it is not going to be this way, i am not saying this to hurt you, this is not about you, it's about me. you can do what you have always done,but, i am not reacting to that behavior in that way anymore."
the look on his face was one of such surprise, shock and sadness, i almost said , "i am sorry", instead i said, "that was very hard for me to say. i did not say it to hurt you but to help me. do you understand.'' strangely enough he did understand.
so i thought......,
"how did i do that".
higher power.
let go and let god,
detatchment.
until recently these were all just Al-Anon words to me.
learn them and live them.
what changed.
i did.
just before christmas i came to that place of truly letting go.
he did something that i never thought he would do,he never thought he would. we were both surprised into shocked silence.
he went to town.
i stayed home
during that short time apart something happened in the spiritual place of our lives.
i don't what. i can't explain it. a vast space of silence, emptiness, nothing, QUIET reality.
when he came home *sober*,
he said, as he opened the door, "let's face it , the problem is me"..
i said, "i am not going to say you don't have problems, you do, but, it is not for me to tell you what they are. you have to deal with your issues yourself".
nothing has been the same in our lives since that night.
why is the working of Al-Anon different to me this time
because before i could truly work the steps , the slogan, the traditions, the program,
I HAD TO COME TO A PLACE WHERE I NEEDED HIGHER POWER MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN MY LIFE.
that is what happened to me that night just before christmas.
now ,
even Al-Anon is different to me.
different, but, not easier.
Gosh, i am so tired.
blessings to all of you who take the time to care enough to read what i need to share.
oh jewely i read, and care and relate and learn. your posts and you have so much to offer. congratulations on making it to that place....the results are palpable in your words....truly calmer. i reached the place of needing the HP more than anything else when i divorced a few years ago...before i had met my first A. i think it is why i have taken to alnon so well....i need to be able to let go or else i go mad. keep on focusing on you and what you feel and what you need to do to stay in touch with this state of mind you are in right now. you sound wonderful! love,fifi
