Caution is a good thing. And I agree, just because they are now getting help doesn't mean everything is suddenly "just fine." It truly is a family disease... how it effects all of us....drinkers and nondrinkers.

I will share from the other end of this... I used to be the out of control mom. No, I didn't drink. I had a tendency to lose my temper though. My oldest son mostly bore the brunt of this. He was probably around age 8 when it started. I would walk in his bedroom (which he shared with his younger brother), it would be a mess, I'd tell them to clean it up.... later I'd see it was still a mess, I'd get mad, I'd slap him.

I can, to this day, clearly remember the first time I slapped my 2nd son on the face. He looked at me with this look of shock like "I can't believe you did that." That look still haunts me.

When my oldest son was in Junior High (Middle School), I sent him to live with his father. I just could not handle him anymore and thought perhaps it would be good for him to be with his father. He seemed to do better there. I moved to another state and ended up going to a counselor. By then I had 2 more children. This counselor, bless her, told me I could not "fix" my kids until I "fixed" myself. I had to learn about healthy discipline, consistency especially. I had to really make the time to be truly involved with my children, to sit down and make sure they did homework, etc. It worked. My actions finally followed through with my words. Consistency.

My oldest son moved back in with us. He was 17 by then. I was no longer the out of control mother who would fly off the handle and slap. But ya know what? Any time I raised my hand (gesturing in speech), he would cringe away. He is 24 now and still flinches, even at work when someone moves their hand/arm quickly. I can not even begin to tell you how that makes me feel. Another thing to haunt me, another thing I have to try and forgive myself for. He already has forgiven me. But I must forgive myself. He and I have talked about our past. I've apologized for my part. But the most important part of this is not just my saying "I'm sorry".... the most important part is my "amends of action"... my changing my own behavior and NEVER repeating that type of behavior again.

He too had much anger and resentment. Rightfully so. I acknowledge that. We spoke about that in our talk. By then I'd also had a few years of Al-Anon under my belt. I told him he could do as I have done and am doing. Choose to change and live a happy life, or hold onto the anger/bitterness/resentment and be miserable. I can not change the past anymore than he can. But I can change today and all my tomorrows to come, just as he can. He's seen the change in me. He was able to see what I was saying. He chose to change too.

I am very fortunate. I love my son. He loves me. We have a good relationship now. It has taken time though. Time, love, consistency.

I know you are hurting. I totally understand that (my own father was a rageaholic in his younger days.) I truly hope you are able to work through the hurt. There is a wonderful chapter in How Al-Anon Works on Detachment, Love, and Forgiveness (P.83). The last paragraph on P. 87 really sums up forgiveness in a wonderful eye-opening way. Why it is important to do it for our own sake of mind.

Your mother has a long road ahead of her. She too, if she continues in recovery, is going to have to face up to her part.

I wish the best for both of you. As Diva said, do take care of yourself first. You are worth it. (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

Luv, Kis

As you can see, you are not alone.  There are many people in this world who have experienced the same things that you have and who also run into people who simply cannot understand.  The people who do not understand are not trying to be hurtful.  They simply cannot fathom what you are able to comprehend.  You understand that abuse is damaging, you understand that you must protect yourself and those you love, and you understand that you cannot have a normal and happy relationship with someone who is abusing you.

It is incredible, but many people do not understand this.  Many people will try to find a way to make the abuser love them.  Many people will try to find ways to accept absuvie behavior.  Many people will continue to try year after year to change the abusive person. 

It takes a very emotionally strong person to face the fact that you don't have to love an abusive person and it may be impossible to have any sort of relationship with an abusive person.  It takes a person who has confidence in themselves and has a healthy sense of self-worth to understand that it is never alright to accept abusive behavior.  And it takes a person who possesses reason and logic to understand you can only control yourself you cannot control someone else's behavior.

So, Klutz (and you are not a Klutz) self-analysis should show you that you are the very essence of an emotionally strong, confident, capable, reasoning human.  Why then would you care what some stuipd person thinks who doesn't understand your position?  Let those people deal with the abuse.  That must be what they want and is obviously what they deserve.  You, on the other hand, know better.  And you have been able to figure out how to escape that future.

Good luck to you.