My thoughts have returned to an earlier time in my life. I was 14 years old when I met him. The undisputed love of my life. My youthful innocence was awed by this "older man" of 18. Bill was gorgeous to look at; blond curly hair, clear blue eyes that cut directly through my clothing, and a smile that could melt steel. His eyes had a playful twinkle that can make me smile to this day. Bill was a bad, bad boy. Not bad enough to land himself in prison, but bad enough to make me suspect, even at my tender age, that I might be playing with fire.

Oh, he knew I adored him. And once in a while he would "toss a bone" my way, knowing, of course, that 14 would get him 20, so he wisely stayed clear. LOL!!! But he insisted he would "wait for" me, and that he DID!! One day I turned 18, and Bill was 22. That was it. The spark ignited into a passionate love affair that would last for years and years to come. I knew, even then, that I wanted more than Bill could offer. He was still not stable in his life, and I, yes I did, even gave him money once in a while to "tide him over." I was so mesmerized by the presence of this fabulous man that I couldn't see beyong his face. I dated others, but Bill was always there, like a beacon, calling me back to him. Life was not joyous being Bill's "girl", but it was exciting. I remember once upon hearing that he had asked another girl out, confronting her, which was much against my nature, and telling her to leave my Bill alone. I might add, she did; I guess I sounded serious.

I could not bring Bill home to meet my parents. My marriage had already been planned by Mom and Dad, and it wasn't going to be to Bill. He was so astoundingly sexy that I thought, "If my father ever sees him, he (Dad) will chain me up in the cellar with only a chastity belt for company!" So, you can see, introducing Bill was not an option. LOL!!

Well, the years passed. I was 22. Still madly in love with Bill, practically to the exclusion of all other potential suitors who were waiting in the wings by the bucket loads. I had, earlier, refused to marry the young man my parents had picked for me. By this time my father had passed away, dropping dead in his tracks one day of a massive heart attack, and my mother, who never had much to do with me, was no one I could confide in.

Bill, the Lord of my waking dreams, was still the only one for me. But one day I awoke and decided that the future did, indeed, look bleak if I stayed with Bill, and I decided to move on. I allowed myself to date, and even enjoy the company of others, all the while trying to handle my bad, bad Bill who was insanely jealous. Then it happened.

The man from heaven arrived in my life when I was 25, and wiped Bill right off the map. Well, almost. I married, lived happily with him, had two children with him, and lived an idyllic life of joy. Once in a while, thoughts of Bill would come creeping back. I would allow them to flood me temporarily, because to attempt to supress them would be counterproductive. I kept his picture and a few souvenirs from our blazing affair hidden but close in my heart.

Years later my husband died of brain cancer. I continued to rear our two young boys who were 12 and 14 at the time of their dad's death. Always having been financially sound, I had no troubles carrying on. The grief was profound, but I worked through it, held my head high, and tried to be a super mom for the kids. Bill was a glorious memory, but nothing else.

After many years of widowhood, I met and married my A, whom all of you know from my postings here. December 21st of 2005 I divorced him, though we are still together. I love him very much when he is sober.

Bill called me last evening. How he found me, I don't know, but he is coming to San Antonio for a few days, and would like to get together. I am not asking whether I should. I WILL!!! Maybe he is bald and old. Maybe he is fat, and has emphysema. Probably he is not the shining, gold-leafed god I remember. It will be interesting. I'll keep you posted.

Diva

-- Edited by Diva at 11:05, 2007-01-04

-- Edited by Diva at 11:08, 2007-01-04