The material presented
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So, I am new to this, but not new to the effects of alcholism. I grew up in a family where my father was and still is a hard core drunk. My partner of five years has finally surrendered to the disease of alcholism and is working a program. My partner has been sober for four months. I had begged her to get sober and now that she is, I am feeling some crazy stuff. I am hurt and very angry. Here she is the drunk and now she has this whole new life of support and friends and here I am in the background. I didn't have her when she was drunk and now she has this whole new world. Okay, I guess this doesn't sound right. Our relationship is great almost perfect, but I find myself feeling very lost now a days. I was always the one to fix everything. I couldn't fix this and now old feelings of anger are resurfacing. We talk very honestly about our feelings. She knows all the hurt and anger I am feeling. I guess sometimes in a relationship, you lose yourself. We both did this when we got together and I am in this great relationship and I have never felt so damn alone. If she has a bad day, she goes to meetings and has all of this wonderful support. I go to meetings with her for support and have got to know a lot of the people, yet I am not an addict, so I don't fit. I don't have a support system. Is it supposed to hurt this bad? I am supposed to be alone?
it is not weird. you are not alone. i'm very happy that your partner found a program -- as you probably know, alcoholism will end up consuming everyone in its presence. as for you, and how you always fixed things? well, there are lots of books on codepency (something that very very many of us have been "blessed" with dealing with our own alcoholic), and there are face to face Al-Anon meetings, which you will find, if you decide to 'take a chance on it', that it will bring you tremendous RELIEF to many many questions that are running through your head. You've fixed everything in the past? now how-a-bout taking some time for you! please, if you have more questions, just shout 'em out here!!!
with love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Thank you so much for the reply. I am looking into some face to face meetings, yet I am terrified to go-I know that sounds stupid. Here I was stupid enough to think that by having my partner go to meetings, life would just be great again. I didn't realize that I would start having problems dealing with everything that I had stuffed down. I got through the pain of my father's alcoholism or so I thought. Well, does it get better, cause I have never felt the way I am feeling?
You are in the right place! You've found your support, we really do understand.
There is much to learn here. We share our experience, strength and hope (ESH) in alanon. There is a wealth of it on this board. There are probably f2f (face to face) meetings in your area, like your A has her AA meetings.
In Alanon we work on ourselves, dealing with just what you are talking about. So often we think if we can just get them sober everything would be fine, but we find that's not the case, and we are carrying resentments and anger. We have had the sole job of taking care of all our A's crap -- which we learn in alanon is not our job, that that is enabling them, but we not only do that we actually often times play the martyr for doing it.
The affects of alcoholism are huge. There is relief here, help, wisdom, and peace. And it's free. We give it away...that's part of what we are suppose to do .
I am glad you are here. If you can, get a copy of How Alanon Works for Famlies and Friends of Alcoholics and read it. Alanon ask that you give it a 6 meeting try before deciding whether or not is for you -- it's impossible to get it all in one meeting You can also try the on line meetings, if you look at the top of this page there is a link to the chatroom and meeting times in the yellow box.
I hope that you will find the relief you are looking for here in Alanon. I know that many of us have and are grateful for it.
I don't know the role you have been playing with your partner. Are you feeling a loss that you are no longer her caretaker? Are you feeling a loss of time spent together? A fear that you will no longer be needed?
As for the anger, I understand that. I was mad as hell for a long time....Most of what I hear from other alanons is how sick they had become, with caretaking, enabling, approval seeking and all sorts of other behaviors. I became sick with anger, so angry that it was poisoning me. Working the 4th step (still in progress) has helped me a great deal in letting go of that anger.
You have come to the right place. You may not relate to every post, but you will get a great deal out of this website. Reading the AA board on this site has also been very helpful to me, learning the stories of other alcoholics. It has made forgiving a much easier process.
Welcome to this board.. !! If you havent already found out this board has wonderful people with similar feelings. Maybe not today but at some point while loving someone with an addiction.
I would like to say that I am not an alcoholic but that doesnt mean that I am not an addict.. I am addicted to my husband.. I am co dependent, I too thought I could "fix" everything and everyone around me. It was until I realized that I couldnt fix anyone but me I was stuck in this why me, poor me, and look at him mode.. All that did is put me deeper into depression, and make my husband drink more ..
After nearly 20 years together, we seperated about 4 months ago.. During this 4 months I have went to counseling weekly, joined a gym, went to lunch, dinner and movies with friends, even went dancing at a local club.. those are all things that I would have NEVER done before.. My point, stop focusing on HER recovery and work on YOU !! Do some sole searching yourself, spend time with friends, find a face to face meeting..
I must disagree when you say you are like them ( the alcoholics ) I say we are.. Maybe not to alcohol but are addicts too.. ** at least I am **
hi coleshan do i relate! my Aboyfriend has been in rehab for a month and the feelings you describe are just what i have been going through. he calls, new friends laughing in the background, him having fun. i say what the @$%#^...i don't get to go to a rehab! i have to continue to take care of my kids and go to work and wonder where i stand in it all! huge new doubts and fears enter my mind...childhood issues....feeling unworthy. in a strange way, i found myself saying sobriety is almost harder than before! how sick is that.
co-dependancy books have been very usefull as has this wonderful place full of people like us. it has also helped by accepting that where i am right now in all this is where I AM...and i have lessons to learn, and fears to face for ME and i better get busy dealing with my own life. some one on this page today said a slogan.....i got busy and i got better. that has helped me. also realizing that i have to find out what I need from my boyfriend and make sure i ask him to add my needs to his priorities. and then we will see where the relationship lies. it seems impossible sometimes to fuel our own recovery, support theirs, and nurture a relationship. but i am trying!
welcome - i hope you stay and offer your ESH (experience/strength/hope) to ours...we are all in this together.
I understand very much how you're feeling. I'm new to this program myself, but also not new to the effects of alcoholism. My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years and he's been in and out of sobriety. We've had a very disfunctional relationship and this time when he relapsed, I started learning about alanon and codependency and enabling. What I realized is that I've been blaming him all this time for everything, when in reality, I'm contributing to the disfunction just as he is. I've been enabling him, which is not helping (as much as I might have thought it was), it's hurting his recovery. I'm very codependent. I actually found a CODA meeting one night, drove to it, parked, and then sat in the truck having a panic attack, crying, watching all the people walk in, wondering what was wrong with me! Then I drove home and crawled in bed with my boyfriend. Sheesh. I realized that in the past, when he was sober, I would start battles with him because I knew he would blow up and say horrible things and then I would have a REASON to be mad at him. I would actually sabotage our relationship so that I would have something to fix. Now, I'm getting into this program and trying to learn how to fix MYSELF. I've been coming to the meetings on this site and I've found a face to face one on Friday that I can take the bus to. Am I scared? H*** yes! It would be so easy to come up with an excuse not to go Friday. It's scary to actually take that step and ask for help, because then it means I really have to do it. Am I really going to go? Man, I have to or things are never going to get better. I don't know if this will help you at all, maybe I'm just rambling. I can tell you that this first little step, this site, has helped me a LOT already. I feel like maybe I can see this little glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm running to it.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. My story is exactly the same as yours.
Is it ever going to get better, or am I doomed to life of AA meetings, and mood swings, and lashing out at me forever as long as I am married to her?
Forgive my rudeness. I am brand spanking new to this forum. My wife is a recovering Alcoholic and Drug Addict. 22 years of on and off relapse. Always tried to stay sober on her own the white knuckle way without treatment. Never acknowledged that alcohol was a problem, always thought she can drink but can't understand why once she starts drinking she can't stop and ends up doing drugs. She stayed sober for 3 years and recently relapsed on Dec 1, 2006. Was in detox, and now in an outpatient program. For the first time she has acknowledged that she has the disease of alcoholism, and is totally into her program, AA meetings, Drug Counseling at the rehab center, etc.
3 nights of Counseling, and 3 nights of AA meetings.
I am alone with the kids. She has her support groups, her sponsor, her counselors, her new life outside of the house which does not include us. When she gets home she is moody, lashes out at me, and makes me feel so lonely and miserable. Like something is my fault, or complains that I am trying TOO hard.
Anyway, it's same story as most of us here. My Wife was/is ? a great woman. Most caring and supporting ever. Perhaps the best human being I have ever met in my life. What a dilema hey?
I've never hurt this much in my life, and I have never felt this helpless. Her family lashes out at me even though it is a 22 year problem and I'm only here for 5 years Her mom is also a denying Alcoholic, so is her younger Sister. Her younger Sister (alcoholic, drug addicted, homosexual/heterosexual opportunist) was leaving with us, but I have kicked her out now.
I am sure as time passes I will share more. But thanks for letting me be here.
Keep reading, and keep coming back. Oh, and we have sponsors here in Alanon for us too . I can't tell you how much this program can help you, you have to give it a try and see for yourself. I will say it is amazing and empowering and will allow you to have joy back in your life. Laughter...now that was one of the first things I received.
I've been in (near) your shoes. My wife is also an alcoholic, but without the blessing of the program. She is in denial, and not even attempting to come face to face with herself. I completely understand what the lashing out and the impossible demands that you are, more or less, held hostage by. It is heartbreaking... a couple things. we are not the only guys out here dealing with the very same thing. others, on this board and at face to face Al-Anon meetings can help you sort out this chaos. i'm just guessing, but maybe you feel a little abandoned becasue of your wife's recovery program --- that's pretty common, from what i hear. gosh darn, man, give yourself a break!!!! i really really hope you find a little bit of time to attend a Face to Face meeting, and get a little more understanding of what Al-Anon can do for you. It has changed my life, my outlook on life, and my way of handling that "lashing out" -- what I call it is when my wife, or anyone for that matter, is Anxious, Irritable, or Discontent. there are tools out there we can learn to not let "her part of the disease" get to us!!! but ya gotta go, then keep coming back!
please, keep posting cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
get yourself to a Al-Anon group fast and u will ahve all the support u need . She needs AA to stay sober period . Often the other half feels neglected in sobriety but when u feel like that remember the worst drunk day u had and sober looks pretty good . Support her efforts to stay sober don't complain about being left out . I was told that an alcoholic can't go home to an old Idea and have a hope in hell of staying sober , I was the old idea !!! everyone has to change not just the alcoholic al anon will help u with that . goodluck Louise
I know these feelings very well. I began alanon (app. 4 yrs ago) before he found a program that worked for him, so I had the support of this family as well as the support of my Mom and a few other close friends and family members. But when he finally hit his rock bottom, found a program and started his recovery I too felt left out. At first I thought it was because of all he now had.....his support and such. We decided we needed to see his counselor for marriage counseling and that is where I discovered that what I was feeling was not so much being alone as it was adjusting to a new relationship with him. Both of us had changed, and neither of us will be the same people we were when all this started. So both of us are learning who, not only we are again, but who each other is. I was feeling lonely because I didn't feel totally connected to him. We have done alot of work on this and things are getting better. The counseling helps alot, not so much with the sharing our feelings part of things, since we had always been pretty open with one another, but with the little tips about how to get to know one another again. We "share" time together now, instead of "spend" time together. He is also helping us sort through any left over resentments we may have and that is helping immensely. Occassionaly I find alittle issue here or there that I did not completely let go of. So between the counseling and my alanon family I am finding I am not alone, physically, mentally or emotionally.
Find yourself a face to face meeting, they help alot. For me sometimes just physically sitting in a room of people that understood what I went through helped so much.
Keep coming back, I am sure you will find the support, strength and hope that will make all the difference.
I am also new to al anon. But I am determined to get myself healthy for ME and my son. I have been with my A for over 20 yrs. but his alcoholism really started to get bad about 2 yrs ago when my son was 1 yrs old. After I went through a very bad period, I went to a counselor and she helped me get through the tough times, I joined a gym and a mothers center. These were my "escapes" from my life for just a bit. But I still was not healing from my A's problem. I am very codependent. I scream and yell at him while he is drunk. (which I know is totally useless, but the anger is so bad) Well he was sober for 6 months after he was arrested for DUI, and then slipped again just before xmas. My 3 1/2 yr old hears and sees everything. When daddy ran out of the house a couple of weeks ago because he was so wasted, my son stood in the doorway yelling and crying (as was I) saying, "but if daddy leaves who is going to play with me"? "Please don't leave daddy"! My A, is a runner. So as soon as he knows that I know he has been drinking he runs out of the house rather than face me. I REFUSE to let my son deal with this crap again. My son is traumatized by what happened. My A started going to meetings again and is trying to get back on track. Which is great, but I still need to heal as well. I need to know how to deal with him if and when he ever does pick up a drink again so my son NEVER experiences this crap again! If it means that my A needs to leave so be it. I know that the sooner I can learn and get stronger my son will get stronger and start trusting us again.
I would like to thank everyone for the replies and sharing experiences with me. I am having a fairly good day. I actually went to my first face to face Al-Anon meeting tonight. Trust me, it was very hard and I wanted to chicken out so many times. I drove past the meeting sight several times. I finally pulled into the parking lot and just sat there, deciding if I should stay or leave? I actually got out of my car and walked into the meeting. I figured I would pull up a chair and sit in some corner of the room. Before I could even sit down, I was welcomed. It was a good meeting and I WILL go back.
My partner and I have been communicating very OPENLY and HONESTLY, somethign we could never do when she drank. We are going at this whole thing together. I will still go to meetings with her for support and so that I may understand the disease of alcoholism and addiction. Yet, I am making a committment to work on myself. I have taken care of everything, but myself. Now it is my time for me. Both of us feel that we will both grow from this and grow even stronger together. Yes, this is going to be one hell of a ride. Like I have said, I was dumb enough to think that life would be GREAT once she quit drinking. If anything, life has gotten harder and there are so many things that I must learn and deal with. I am dealing with all the feelings of hurt, anger, resentment, loneliness, etc... She is dealing with the guilt, shame, and is scared. I learned that I can't fix it, I am powerless and all I can do is love her. All I can do is love her, yet that doesn't seem to be enough.
Again, thanks for listening and remember to take care of you!
I have heard your story before at Al-Anon meetings and open AA meetings.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
keep coming back.
you are worth it.
when i first started in AL-Anon and attended open AA meetings, the people in these groups suggested i read the Alcoholics Annonymous Big Book. i did, and, gleaned an understanding of the alcoholic that has helped me immensly.
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You can also try the on line meetings, if you look at the top of this page there is a link to the chatroom and meeting times in the yellow box. 
Her mom is also a denying Alcoholic, so is her younger Sister. Her younger Sister (alcoholic, drug addicted, homosexual/heterosexual opportunist) was leaving with us, but I have kicked her out now.