The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Happy New Year everyone! I have not been on much due to the holidays and being sick with an aweful cold. I am ready for the new year to begin right and with that, some new changes that I have to make. The most biggest change I must concentrate on is TRUST!!!!!! Trust is so hard for me as I have been abused in every sense of the word. Right from physical abuse from peers and family to emotional abuse from my AH.
To start the year off rigt I am going to try my hardest to trust my AH. In the past he has made promises over and over again, just to be broken. So needless to say it's hard to trust him. My heart was always broken and it still is at times.
My AH and I are living apart, He lives with his 21 year old daughter and her 2 year old son. Over the holidays my AH's ex wife came out from another province with their 18 year old son. They arrived on Dec 22 and are leaving on January 6. For the first week and a bit Hubby and his son stayed at my place so my stepson could visit myself and my kids. On Tuesday January 2 hubby and his son went back to the appartment. He has informed me that he will be staying there for three nights.
This has been upsetting me, knowing that his ex wife is also staying there too. At first I was not liking it at all because when we split in August I heard that he and his ex were getting close again and that AH was going to move closer to her. I also heard a few days ago that the ex wife was considering going through a divorce with her second husband. When hubby informed me that he was staying three nights there I was hurt. I thought that things were rekindling between them again. My mind was jumping all over the place. I was making myself sick.
Last Thursday we went to see our marriage counsellor and I was told that I do not let hubby know my true honest feelings. So, a few days before I knew hubby was leaving I sat him down and let hin know my honest feelings. I right out and told hiom that I feel hurt and sad and I do not trust him. I let him know that I thought he and his ex wife were trying to get back together again rather than him and I. I let him have it but I was gentle. We talked for hours and sat me down and told me he LOVES ME not her. He wants a life with me not her and the only reason he was staying at the appartment while she is there is b/c his son wants to visit with his sister and his nephew. He went on saying that he does not see his son very much and he does not know when he will see him again so he wants as much time with him as he can get while he is here.
It took me awhile to accept what he was saying to me, but with the help of Alanon I know I will be ok and I will work the steps to be able to trust him on this and other things. It's hard right now Being in Alanon for only 4 months now I know I have the support and understanding from others that will get me through these rough times. I will let my HP walk me me through as well. Thanks all for all your support and I hope 2007 is a great year for everyone.
Trust ... such a powerful and vulnerable issue! I heard it put this way once ... Trust is all about the person doing the trusting, it has nothing to do with the recipient. It is about how vulnerable we are willing and able to make ourselves as we trust. Are we healed enuf to chance the pain of getting hurt? Becuz of course, trust does not mean we will not get hurt again, it just means we're ready and willing to take the chance. And then we must remember, if we do get hurt, we are not fools, we did nothing wrong ... we simply trusted.
To me to trust an A is an oxymoron. That is just me.
Plus I don't care who she is, for me it is not right for my husband to be sleeping in the same house with another woman.
Sure a man can say he loves you and wants you. But what has that got to do with sex?
Plus how does that look for the kids? How confusing. What are you trusting him about anyway?
It is totally up to you of course. For me, it would tear me apart. I am being honest here. If a person cares about the integrity of a relationship with someone, they do not put it at jeopardy. And to me, it does matter what others think.
I don't care if my AH is sleeping with that old gf or not. He is living there, and I am sure his mother just loves it that he is not with me. I am sure other low lifes think it is just fine. But mature people with integrity would find it repugnant.
That is ME and my experience. I sure hope things go ok. much love,debilyn
This is a hard one , because if you want to have any sort of a relationship,you must be able to trust him. However, the reality is that trusting an A, even one who is not active, is not usually a very good idea. You have reasons for your lack of trust. If he has not shown by actions (not just words) that he has changed, then the reasons still hold.
If your marriage consellor does not have experience dealing with addictions, he may not be aware that A's can be very manipulative, and may fall for alcoholic BS. I'm not saying that your husband is lying to you - I don't know him, have no idea if he is lying or telling you the truth. However, you DO know him - you can take that knowlege, and use it to understand what is going on here.
I guess the thing to do is to let go of his behaviour, so that what he does or does not do while he is staying there does not impact on your serenity. I would pay more attention to how he is with you - is he making you happy when you are together? The reality is, of course, he can cheat on you any time, if he wants to - he doesn't have to be staying there. Personally, I would pay more attention to what happened when you told him how unhappy you were with this arrangement. Basically, from here, it looks like he blew you off. In a nice, way, sure, with lots of professions of love, but still, he ends up doing something that you have let him know you are very uncomfortable with. Again, I wasn't there, I don't know the details, but how far away is this apartment? He can't see his son without staying there?
I would say you need to trust your gut on this one. If you have a sneaking suspicion that your lack of trust is just old stuff coming to haunt you, then say the serenity prayer and get through this. If your sneaking suspicion is that your lack of trust is right on the money, then believe that. The only one who really knows the whole story is you. It doesn't matter so much if you trust your husband, in the long run. The person you need to learn to trust is yourself.
thank you so much for sharing. i can relate to your story. recently i too have been letting my husband know my true feelings.
and everyone else around me.
last night i was talking to my sister on the phone and i started to cry about something that happened years ago. i felt so stupid after i hung up. i am not used to telling people how i really feel. then i thought........ "feeling this way is stupid, she is your sister for pity sake".
but,
as i am typing this i can hear my mother's voice.............."don't tell".
we are a family of secrets and unspoken feelings.
as i work my program and learn to communicate, the secret feelings and sad stories are starting come out.
BUT,
gosh does it HURT to talk about some of these things.
communicating honestly is a new skill i am learning through working my program,
and,
sharing my expreience , strength and hope with people like you.
thankyou for sharing your experience with me. i have learned more about myself by reading about you.
