The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm really struggling right now with why on earth I put myself and my son through this mind game ... the mind game of alcoholism. It's never easy, there's nothing simple about it. Right now, I can't understand why I spend the time trying to stay one step ahead of the game, always having to think "is this enabling" ... "is this workin' the program" ... "will this make it better or worse". It's all very sick, very sad and too damn hard. Like man, life does not have to be so hard ... I guess I just need to decide if I even want to be married to an alcoholic. The worst part is that when my AH is not drinking (and even at times when he is) ... he is a wonderful family man who has a conscience and cares about what he does and how he affects his family. But still, truth is, he's an active drinker and the more he drinks, the more he loses his interest in life and the more I lose my interest in him. Like please, challenge me a little more than talking to me about bullshit after your half corked. If I want that, I'll head to the local bar and chat with the regulars. See this is the first time he has drank in about 4 days ... says he's gonna drink 1 day a week - isn't that cute :) So he chose that day to be Thursday, but I guess today doesn't count. Well I'm the one with the money that he expects me to give him becuz he's only drinking one day a week. So now I have to just hand him cash (enabling? ... not sure, the money is his as well, he's an adult) ... if that's what he is cuz I'm really not sure.
I'm not much for giving advice at this point since I am so new to al anon but NOT new to the effects that alcoholism plays on a family. I too am at the point of trying to decide if I really want to be married to an alcoholic or just start over by myself but like you when my A is sober he is a wonderful father and husband. When my A drinks I would much rather be with just my son. I told my A that the next time he walks through that door drunk will be the last time he walks through the door to me and my son. I am quite sure that I mean it. I just can't live like this anymore because it really isn't living at all!
Hi Rose ... so nice to hear from you. I too am new to alanon, but not new to alcoholism either. I grew up in an alcoholic family (however, we were also living in poverty and my mother was not well emotionally - it was much messier than my home is now). I am so thankful to hear from someone that understands. I think I need to get into a "physical meeting". I have only gone to one - wasn't really into it, but I could certainly try a different one and give it a chance. I don't know how to have private chats on here ... but do keep me posted on how things are going!
Well, I can tell you that I felt very much like you did when I got her about 11 months ago. I couldn't tell that this would make my life easier or better. Pretty much just pissed my AW off.
But I came to a relization at some point that I really was a sick as she was. That this program was not to help her but rather was to help me get my act together. After 14 years of marriage and 6 or so years of constant chaos, my thinking and my actions were distorted.
I can't speak to what you should do or not do, but for me ... I am starting to get my life together and am prepared for the reality that my AW may never stop drinking, but I don't have to base my happiness and my childrens stability on that.
Sticking with it and trying is the only way I got to know this works for me. I wish you the best and hope you stick with it too. Someone told me when I posted something similar "... don't quit before the miracle happens."
I thought I would pass that to you.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Thank you to those that responded ... especially for the quote "Don't quit before the miracle happens." That is so beautiful and very inspiring. And thank you just for letting me vent ... boy did it feel good. Since coming here I have been waking up to my anger - anger I wasn't even aware that I had. But I am starting to discuss it as an issue with my family and starting to make more positive changes in that area of my life - amazing!!
I wish I could be like your name - spiritually calm. I yelled at my A tonight. He is sober but as a dry drunk he has those mood swings. And yes he has been somewhat responsible as a husband. And god he is a great father when he is into it. The disease takes him away time and time again. We chose them but we can choose recovery for ourselves.
