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It had all been going so well....too well probably that I hadn't seen this coming. Before my A went into rehab I was working my programme (still am) and for the first time in a long time come to terms, or so I thought, with detachment. He was very actively drinking but I felt like I was getting on with my own life and leaving him to his, letting him make his own decisions and letting go. Yes, I am powerless and I can't control his drinking. I accepted that. A went into rehab, only a short two week programme and he has been gone only a week today.
He has been sending me text messages and phoning me (telling me he loves me) and I thought I was doing fine. Getting on with everything that I do, going to work, looking after our little boy, doing every day things. I can't even say If I'm being honest that I have been missing him as he wasn't really here when he was here (if you know what I mean!!)
Well, something snapped in me a couple of days ago. I'm not one for the tears or arguments and am always the strong one, making best of everything and getting on with life as that is what I do. When he has been phoning me I have been responding positively to him and saying that's great when he is telling me how well he is feeling and how positive he is feeling about the future. He seems full of beans for the first time in many years. Over the last week he has found AA and the 12 steps and thinks it is wonderful. I've been telling him about it for ages and he has always said that AA was that "godly shit" and had no interest.
I know it is great that he has found the programme and really throwing himself into it but I am finding that I am feeling so angry at him. I keep wanting to make snidy comments and have to stop myself. I keep finding that I want to start an argument with him but keep having to stop myself. Before he went into rehab he was never violent or aggressive in any way but he hurt me in many other ways. It was little things that have really built up in me that I haven't realised before. As we were no longer sleeping together and hadn't done for quite awhile (my choice not his) he had told me in a drunken moment before going in that he would find someone to sleep with in rehab. I do know that he probably didn't mean it. Today when I spoke to him on the phone, I couldn't stop myself and said, so have you found someone to sleep with there yet? He did sound confused and when I explained he said that he didn't remember saying that. I know I need to let a lot of things go - but how do I do that?
I know it is only going to be damaging to myself and him if I hold onto these things and let them build up but how do I let them out positively?? I know I have got to stop feeling angry and I am quite suprised at myself as I have not felt this way before. When he was drinking I never felt anger, I remained calm, let everything ride over me, didn't nag him, didn't challenege him, let him be him. I kept everything going for my life and the life of our child. But now....I feel like I want to scream, cry or break something!!!!!
He is out next wednesday and he asked me to arrange for our son to stay at grandparents for the night so we could talk. I'm happy to do this as then it would be just the two of us and we would have the much needed time to talk - but how do I act?? How am I meant to be?? Honest I know but to what extent??
I feel better for getting that all out. I'm not going to meetings as my only meeting consists of two individuals that have been going for many years and they spend the whole time talking about shopping, tv and what their kids are upto. I've been given some great advice here about trying to turn the meeting around and I'm going to do that but for now this board and the chat room here are my alanon family and I greatly appreciate all of the ES & H (thank you cj for explainng what that meant!!!) that I get here.
I can definitely relate to this. I understand I have always been way way way over involved with the A. Right now he is in the sulk mode doing nothing letting all his bills go. Now he has no phone, he let the internet go which is really super hard on me. I don't let my side of the bills go of course but I am tempted to. He is just waiting for me to over react I know it.
I have to just keep on keeping on with my own life and not get pulled into his. What a discipline that is.
A meeting I went to recently took forEVER to get off the ground and become a real meeting. Preliminaries, business, hairsplitting finances... that's one place where I really have trouble fitting in with Alanon. You guys are organized... LOL. In AA people start throwing things at him if anybody has a "business" announcement longer than about 45 seconds. But, I stuck it out and it really turned out to be a great meeting. I don't know if the long prelim was normal or not, but if it turns out that it is, I can always show up 20-25 minutes late and not miss a thing.. LOL.
I find myself more critical of meetings if I let the time between them get too long. It had been 3 weeks since I had been to an f2f Alanon meeting, and while I didn't have any burning issues, I just wanted to hear about recovery, not whether to send $18.00 or $16.50 to intergroup. When we got there, it was a great meeting, and I'll be back.
One reason I don't have an Alanon sponsor, or an AA sponsor since my first sponsor passed away a few years ago, is because I like to be open to hear from everybody, old and new. As I found, sometimes my sponsor was exactly the person I needed to talk to... sometimes he was exactly the wrong person to talk to. I need a lot of help so it's good to know as many people as possible. I think that's kind of a God thing; if I surround myself with lots of people and don't isolate, I'll probably hear what I need to hear sooner than if I just clung onto one or two people.
I understand how you feel in part. My AW has not gotten sober yet, but there are moments when her words are exactly what I have hoped she would say... then it makes me mad. LOL
For me, since she is still drinking... I keep having to remind myself that even though she said it, she has also said horrible hurtful things and I have convinced myself that those are just part of the disease. Some of the good things she says could be that way too.
My anger comes from a lack of action to back anything up. In some ways my anger about this situation comes from strange places. She says "I hate you..." and I don't flinch. She says she knows she "has a problem and she is working on it".... I reply with "that's great, I'm glad" and I get all tensed up. My frustration is I don't see her doing anything that will lead to sobriety in my lifetime.
Those are my emotions and not her fault really. It's a tough situation for everyone involved. Including the A.
Don't be hard on yourself for being emotional. These are big changes. I am sure you are happy he is in rehab as that is a good start. There are many things to come and many emotions. I try not to club myself over the head when I run into one unexpectedly.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
This is what comes to mind for me. When my A seems like he's got it all together and is doing fine, well, that's when I'm angry the most. It's like I want to scream, okay now your fine, you've caused me a boat load of pain and I want you to KNOW IT. Okay, I know it's sick thinking but it's part of my crazy cycle.
Since your A is attemping sobriety, I wouldn't walk around on egg shells, but I would get it together enough to say what I meant, mean what I am saying and NOT say it mean. If you feel you have to address a few things, and he want's to talk, then be honest -- but be calm. The reality of it is he's riding that "pink cloud" and you're still dealing with past hurts.
Remember you just don't have to zap him with everything that has been bugging you for years in one sitting. Keep reading about this disease...you will be amazed to find out that he probably doesn't even remember half of what you are angry about. And if he says I don't remember it that way -- or remember it at all -- he's probably being honest.
I have said many times on this board that my A will never be sorry enough -- it's just not possible. His actions will speak for him, I can no longer accept an I'm sorry for the pain I've caused. I've come to terms with knowing that he will never know the pain that he's caused me and the kids -- just as I will never know the pain that he has been in. Alcoholism is a disease, it robs you of everything. It is painful. I try to balance my anger with knowing my A has a pain in him that I will never understand.
I hope this helps some. Remember he can't make up to you for things he can't remember nor completely understand the pain that he has caused you over the years. Look at his actions, words can mean very little.
Resentments build up in the A environment. And we react in different ways. It's not easy to forget all the times we have been wronged, and for me, I wanted him to make up to me for the hurts. Then I realised he couldn't. He wasn't aware of much of it, and he just didn't know how to make it up to me. I still felt resentful though.
I journalled everyday. It helped me a lot. It got rid of the anger and some resentment. I also vented through exercise. It helped me. I had to let it out.
And I realised he couldn't make it all okay. He was actively drinking. Even in early recovery there is much confusion. He didn't know how to make me feel better.
I had to learn to accept this. I had to learn to accept much. It is not easy.
Alcoholism is powerful and very cunning. I have to remind myself of this.
Anger - what an exhausting emotion. I remember being consumed by anger - I was mad at everything concerning my AH. Before sobriety & immediately after. The counselors at the rehab center would avoid waiting on me at the front desk because I was such an angry person.
Just as it takes time for an alcoholic to work thru new things in sobriety - it takes time for us (Al-Anoners) to work thru our emotions. As I worked thru mine, as journaling, talking with a trusted Al-Anon friend, and prayer to my HP - I came to realize that at the bottom of a lot of my anger was FEAR. Everyone knows if you show fear to an enemy then the enemy has the upper hand. That is what was going on in a lot of areas of my life. If I let my AH know I was scared of sobriety, scared of the changes, scared of Hope for a new way of life - then he would have control of me again - that made me angry. It took a long time - 6-9 months for me to work thru most of these feelings. But during that time, it did slowly start to get better - peace & serenity replaced the anger & fear.
Never forget you have choices. If you are in a conversation with your AH & you feel that anger, fear or apprehension rising - you have the choice to say "I need a little down time, can I visit with you later?" or "I'm not comfortable discussing this right now" or "I need to end our conversation for now" You can then take time to process your feelings. Give yourself some "me" time. Hopefully it will help ease some of the pain you are feeling right now.
This is just some of the things that worked for me - Hope that it will help you on your journey to living Happy, Joyous & Free.
Progress not Perfection,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
