The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I've been friends with someone since high school. A couple years ago, she hit bottom with her alcoholism. I remember all the blaming I was given by deciding to end the friendship because of the many broken promises. She had introduced me to someone years ago and we started dating. He would constantly be late and one time broke dinner plans at the last minute and wanted me to drive 30 mins to meet him at a bar. I ended the relationship and my friend accused me of not being nice and being to rigid. That was the past. Recently she promised my daughter she could spend the night. She called me to see if my daughter really wanted to spend the night. She knew very well that my daughter was excited to spend time with her, her dogs, and her family. I have also reflected upon the things that have been said to me. There was always the condescending tone and talk. I don't think I wanted to see it then because denial was at work. She does not respect me and thinks I am stupid. If I try to maintain a relationship with her I am only hurting my self respect. Why on God's earth would I allow someone to speak to me and treat me so poorly? Because that's what my father (the A) did to me all my life. Well you know what!!!??? I deserve to have friends who respect me, love me, and think I am a great person. To continue in this friendship would make me a disgusting, mopey, angry martyr. Yuck!!!!!!! I know the guilt tripping will start soon. Aaargh!
I had a friend from high school like this too. We drifted apart as the things she wanted to do were not to my liking and the things I wanted to do were too boring. Even back then I was not comfortable being in the middle of a packed house party or bar. I let this make me feel bad about myself for quite some time, not outgoing enough, not good enough. The shift started a day her son was at my house and I refused to let her leave with him, she was acting paranoid and I knew she had been using drugs. He was crying and clinging to me. I stopped putting most of the effort into the relationship and she called when she needed something. It's been years now since I heard from her, once in awhile a mutual friends will tell me hello from her and what she is up to now. It's never been happy news. I miss the friendship we had once, I'm healthier without it. Thanks for bringing up this topic it's good to be reminded of the good decisions I have made.
I relate. It can even be people who are not A. They are toxic to us. My daddy ended up being toxic to me. Broke my heart.
Good for you for breaking up with the guy. I used to go out with one and he would act strange. Now i know it was abuse and he was an A.
I think back to some of my boyfriends and many were A. I did not realize it. Back then almost everyone did drugs. I was an oddball. But just did not like the taste of alcohol and it made me soooo sick. I was afraid of pot and lsd and all that. I wanted my babies to be ok. my future ones I mean. Was so afraid of them being born messed up if I did drugs.
Plus I thought i was nutty enough already.
I am sad your friend is so sick, and remember, I don't know how old you are, but they get worse and worse as the alcohol takes its toll from their bodies, including their brains.
I would never consider allowing my child to go with her. never.
Professionals who have studied "us" (us being people associated with Alcholic dysfunction) have noticed that we have a penchant for having a high tolerance for the intolerable behavior: we accept cut downs, put downs, abuse, and all around crap whereas the supposed "normal" person wouldn't. We somehow become so bent on "fixing" the unfixable and "saving" the unsaveable that we skew the terms of loyalty and we can't really get a grip on what needs to be done. What we need. This is why boundries for us are so delicate. So fragile. It just doesn't happen.
Having said that, it would be prudent of you to discuss this relationship with your sponsor and do an inventory on. What are you getting out of it? What is growing out of this relationship that is allowing you to stay? Just like a child doesn't touch a hot stove after 2 or 3 times, we as ACAs or loved ones of alcholism stay in toxic relationships becauses we "get something," we are "rewarded" somehow. For example, one person was still with his wife in active disease after 15 treatment centers and 5 jail terms not because he loved her, but because he was getting his care taking needds met: he was able to finally feel needed and wanted, something he had never had growing up. Another woman stayed with her alcholic and domestically violent husband because he had a six figure salary--she was so insecure in her own abilities as a self provider, she was willing to put her life at stake and put her children's lives at stake.
Obviously these are extreme examples of people in toxic relationships. But none of us stay in relationships that upset us if the rope doesn't pull both ways. Even if it's simply an excuse to whine, what are you getting out of this friendship? And if it's so upsetting, why haven't you ended it already?
