The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
You'd think it was Harvard. You'd think I was going to MIT. You'd think I was packing up my things and moving half way across the world to the University of Timbuktu. But no.
Wright State. School of Graduate Studies. College of International and Comparative Politics.
I'm applying. And I'm SCARED.
I'm scared I'm gonna get in. I'm scared if I get in, I'm gonna make an a** of myself and look like a complete idiot. I'm scared I'm gonna be working with some of the smartest fish in the sea (The local AF base sends some of THEIR big fish to OUR poly sci dept to study...) and I'm gonna be like .....dah dah dah...... BAD MOVE! I'm scared if I get in I'm gonna have no money. I'm scared if I get in...oh my parents! Not, NOT going there.
AND I'm scared I'm gonna get REJECTED. In fact I'm HOPING I'll get rejected. I want to get rejected so I can BLAME them. HATE them. Because I'm SO scared, SO scared, OMG. Because if I get rejected then I don't have to see how far I can go. Then I don't have to be like "Wow, I did this. I, ME, did this. and for no one else but me. NO ONE ELSE." That means I have to take responsibility! GAAAAA!
And I'm applying anyway! I'm hoping I'll get rejected, and I'm applying anyway! I'm asking professors for letters of recommendation (lets not even go into the horrible flashbacks of high school I'm having here when I was scrambling all over the hallways saying "Hey Mr So and So, can you write a letter of recommendation?") I must be nuts!
Deep in my heart, something is wispering, "you can do this. The money will come. Things will show up. You just have to go for the ride." But me, I'm the good ACA. I FIX THINGS, DARN IT! And I'm SCARED. SCARED SCARED SCARED.
I also have no idea why I wrote this. I hope I didn't waste your time. I know I feel better though. I'm gonna go finish the application.
um Tiger do you ever notice when you say the word "scared" it makes you FEEL scared? THANKS a lot,now I am scared and going to have to pull the blooming shades down!! haha
So quit saying it ok. Say I am ok I am ok. I can do this. Girl one step at a time. If I can go to college, a roundish old late fourties lady and make it, you can.
Take things as they come,and if you are wrong or ya goof, it makes others feel good to point it out or help you!
I have so much faith in you. Yuck politic stuff? I am a biology/medicine person....
Anyway you just DO IT and don't say, "try" either, Yoda says that and I believe it.
You are too funny. I think your little voice is very right, and the reason you have fear is because you will get in.
Hey, ya ever see a little fish eat a big fish???? Okay, well maybe they don't eat them entirely but every time they take a bite, the little fish gets MUCH bigger. I think those big fish better watch out of a Tigerbass.
You go girl!! You can do this, and you know it, that's that little voice.
I commend you very much for taking your life by the proverbial horns. You are an inspiration. The goals you've set are mighty! Graduate School! BAM! But you've also already accomplished sooooo much getting there. All those little building blocks that got you to this stable platform where you can look at graduate school not as a huge leap, but rather the next step up in your success story - your miracle in progress. Nose to the grindstone and do the work; it will come, ONE DAY AT A TIME. And when you post back about 'ohhh, i'm scared of getting my doctorate', i hope i see it, so i can just "cut and paste" this post.
with love, always cj
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
What I am reminded of by reading this is 'projecting' -and knowing just where that can lead me (ugh) I see so many positive changes and choices you are making for you A version of this quote comes to mind ~
“You have nothing to fear but fear itself”
Lots of positive wishes, as always,
T
Fyi: As you may know, I am absolutely terrible at conveying my thoughts into words properly (it's late and I am hoping this makes some sense )
This is a big deal...a big step for you! Pat yourself on the back!
For me, I have to keep everything one day at a time, especially for something like this. I CANNOT worry about the outcome of any of it. 95% of what I worry about does not happen and I need that energy to go into putting one foot in front of the other to make sure everything I can take care of in a days time is taken care of. I only taken on what can be taken in one day and nothing else.
I recently went back to college. I had quit my job (my boss was sexually harrassing me), and everything after that feel into place with relative ease. It could have been real easy to worry over it. I made a choice not to. Now, I go to school. I do not work. I am single (have bf though who lives far away) and I have 3 children full time. It wouldn't have worked if I didn't take it one day at a time.
I am not sure how long I will be able to continue going to school. I don't even know what I want to major in anymore. It doesn't matter. It will come in time. There is an answer. I am right where I need to be right at this moment.
Congratulations! Best of Luck! I am doing backflips in my mind! Could very well break something if I were to attempt this on my own.
Way to go on so many levels my dear!!! First acknowledging your feelings and giving them a voice.
Second walking through your fear and doing it even though you are scared.
Remember Faith is just fear that has said it's prayers. I find that when I am afraid I say out loud "God (my HP) if you bring me to it; you will bring me through it." Just follow your HP's divine plan my dear.
Love ya, Maria
P.S. Now I gotta get back to my speech I have to give tonight in class
__________________
If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
So glad you are not listening to all those "forces" inside trying to make you doubt yourself. Fill it out and turn it in! I have sorta been acting like a kid again myself...telling my own voices that make me afraid to try something to shaddup! and that they "are not the boss of me!"
You go girl! I have been thinking about taking the GRE and scared of that! Not to mention applying and figuring out all those other things. You know you can do anything you want to do. Like they say they can't take back the degree if you don't pay the loans off....
WOWWWWWWWWWWW.....good for you. Doing something for you. Going for your goal. That is wonderful. Scary..of course it has a lot of unknowns, but out of the unkowns can be alot of wonderful. It takes courage to apply. C-onfronting the dragons O-vercoming the obstacles U-nderstanding the risks R-eally living A-lways believing G-owing the distance E-xpecting the best
Guys...THANK YOU. THANK YOU. Thank you. I really really needed my own cheer leading squadron.
THANK YOU.
Got this in my email from hazelden.org. Echoes EVERYTHING you guys have said. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
Moving Forward
Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don't have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.
Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them. We don't need to suffer with them.
It doesn't help.
It doesn't help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.
Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We're accountable for ourselves. They're accountable for themselves. We let them go, and let ourselves grow.
Today, I will affirm that it is my right to grow and change, even though someone I love may not be growing and changing alongside me
Well, I have a theory about why you wrote it, and it's all about me, ahem. I really needed to hear your paragraph about wanting to get rejected so you can blame them, so you don't have to see how far you can go.
And this makes me think that it's not fear of applying to grad school; maybe not even fear of getting in, or fear of not getting in. It's fear of breaking the old taboos, moving beyond the family of origin's dysfunction, whatever it was. So OF COURSE it's fear-inducing - because families of origin are very protective of their dysfunctions, they slap you down in all kinds of snide and pretend-helpful ways when we try to operate outside them. ("You don't REALLY want to do that, do you honey?")
You're moving forward in health - talk about expanding a comfort zone. Of course it's scary - and maybe, in between scary, you can get a spark of exhilarating, too.
And if you can see how far you can go - well, maybe I can, too. Thank you for sharing - and - way to go!
And it occurs to me that we could probably all sure use some healthy family affirmations to combat the dysfuntional traps, so here's a few for all of us: "Oh honey, what exciting news! How proud you must be!" "Really? That is AWEsome! Go for it!" "You will do SO WELL at that!" "I'm SO PLEASED to hear how excited you are, and SO PROUD that you're following your dream. Congratulations!"
.....dah dah dah...... BAD MOVE! I'm scared if I get in I'm gonna have no money. I'm scared if I get in...oh my parents! 
Not, NOT going there.
Deep in my heart, something is wispering, "you can do this. The money will come. Things will show up. You just have to go for the ride." But me, I'm the good ACA. I FIX THINGS, DARN IT! And I'm SCARED. SCARED SCARED SCARED. 
A version of this quote comes to mind ~
)
