The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I hope each of you had a great Holiday. I enjoyed my time off from work. The kids and I had a good time together going to the parks, playing with their new toys, and just resting.
The biggest struggle these days is getting on the same page with my AH about parenting and of course money. He had stopped smoking marijuana for a few months, but then slowly started using again. Now that he has the money to buy it he is using more frequently. Basically I have taken the approach that I do not condone or condemn it but I'd prefer it if he used at a time when the kids were not around. He has never lit one up in front of them because I'd go bolistic, but it doesn't make it any easier to talk about important matters when he's stoned. An addict is an addict, is an addict. He basically just substituted one substance for another. Me expressing that I don't approve falls onto deaf ears. Thank goodness for this program that I understand that now. I don't have to knock myself out trying to get him to cooperate. If he chooses to burn out than that's his choice, I don't have to be around it. It does affect me in the sense that I feel I'm not getting my requests and my needs honored by him and that hurts. I have choices too. I could choose to stay angry about it, let it get me depressed but then I'd be giving over my power to the A's addiction. I've given it enough power.
I've been letting his use bother me way too much, allowing it to disappoint me and anger me. I have been pretty snappy with him the last two weeks and consumed with what we aren't doing right than focusing on what we are doing right. I have forgotten that my AH is not just an addict, he's a person with lots of good qualities. He's been working hard at his new job trying to succeed in ways that he never has. It seems that I'm looking at what's wrong instead of appreciating the work I've done, that uneasy feeling that I give into causes me to constantly criticize or nag. Funny I just realized that I guess it helps to write these things out. Thanks for listening friends.
Wishing each of you a blessed 2007!!
Peace,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
I have a similar problem with my AH. When he first tried to quit, he went to smoking pot.......which at the time, I didn't so much mind because once he smoked a joint, he just laid on the couch and had no desire to do anything......including going drinking. Which in a way, was fine by me....he might be stoned, but at least he's staying out of trouble (or so I thought). He told me it helped to take the "edge off" the urge to drink, so I just looked the other way. As time went on he ended up drinking again....and again, and again....but still smokes pot. Now he has built up a tolerence that has gone from costing $30 a week to over $100!!
Hi! My H smoked for awhile too. At first it was better than him being grumpy, but it became way too frequent and very expensive. I also didn't want it around the kids. I believe he was a little more introspective when he was stoned and we argued less, but I hated it. Especially when he would do dumb things like misplace stuff everywhere or forget we were meeting somewhere. The only reason he stopped was because he lost his connection.
Also, I've felt pretty naggy lately too. I try not to, but there are so many issues that need to be addressed. Last night he came behind me and rubbed my shoulders. I shrugged him off and spoke curtly to him, then I went out for a jog. If he treated me that way, I would be in tears. I want to have a mutually respectful relationship. What happened?
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
The A used to spend every holiday pot with his brother. This year he didn't and he was so like a bear with a sore head. I used to so resent the pot . There were times over the holidays where I would have traded that.
I did allow the A's habits to consume me for years. Trying to really detach for me is such a struggle. I don't know what' s worse their using or their being on a dry drunk all the time.
I do know that I have to focus really hard on me and my issues and stop obsessing about the a's. I did set ultimatums about pot smoke in the house (I have asthma) and that helped. Nevertheless I live with someone who has been a substance abuser all his life I don't think I ever want to take that on again. I drank socially when I met the A I stopped that. I doubt I will ever start again because I am so fearful that will mean that I'm not on the look out for alcoholics.
I will never forget when I found out my AH was smoking pot.. We had been married for 15 years and someone let it slip.. I was devestated, absolutely crushed.. He denied it at first but then admitted it ... I guess I was very blind not to have seen it but I had never been around drugs or alcohol and grew up sheltered I guess. Now my husband doesnt live at home we have been seperated for about 4 months and I really dont know if he uses or doesnt .. It never affected his amount of drinking so I never knew which time he was drunk and when he was high.. Dumb me.. I knew that when the Dr. gave pain medication for one reason or another I was often missing pills.. I never had any proof and didnt accuse him but knew that it was happening..
I agree with what was said earlier... An addiction is an addiction..
I am glad your attitude is making you more comfortable. It is wonderful you are not forgetting he is still a human with a disease, and he is not just a disease.
I know when people get cancer, friends always ask how they feel, not hey I love those flowers you planted what are they.
We are all people first.
My concern would be, pot is illegal, if he has it on him, in your home, and gets busted, your kids could end up in foster care and you and he go to jail. I would be so paranoid! This is where I believe we need to protect our children and ourselves.
How sick a person must be, to put his wife and children at such risk.
Anyway I am so glad to see you posting and loved what you shared. love,debilyn
I guess what I learned, was a drug is a drug is a drug....etc. Whether it is alcohol, weed, cocaine, etc......it's all drugs. Don't think that Pot is harmless....check out the literature. Not good and addictive. And it can lead to other more potent drugs. My prayers are with you and your family.....God Bless...
I'm divorced from my A - her substance of choice was pot. From my experience there are advantages over living with a drinker.
The addict is fairly easy to deal with when stoned - the difficult time is when they need pot
There's little chance of killing one self with pot... you CAN smoke enough to pass out but I've never heard of someone becoming so toxic with smoked THC that it killed them. Though Bob Marley did die of lung cancer...
There's very little chance of dealing with violence... when she drank, she could be violent... not when stoned.
Your A is working hard at a job... my experience was with someone who was unmotivated re: a job. She was very dedicated to her hobby & a Multilevel Marketing business (both cost us considerable amounts of money)... stuff that she did NOT have to report to work each day. For some reason she feared going to work at a regular job.
Pot is much more expensive than booze.
She used to brag that no one knew she was stoned when she was using... that sounds familiar to some people who deal with drunks, doesn't it?
So... pot use is different. But, it's an addiction. The family suffers in the many of the same ways as other addictions. I think it's use is sneaky & insidious to the user. It's NOT a viable alternative to booze... it's an addiction that has problems as other addictions. My sponsor's sober wife is addicted to gambling... now. It will continue to destroy. I needed to deal with my own life... we ended up being divorced. Speaking for myself... I'm doing very well. I can tell you that my ex-wife has got to be doing better than she was when she was married to an insane person. I could go on forever about WHAT drew me to her... but that's a completely different topic. Pot is cunning baffling & powerful & we have no control over it's use by others.
You sound strong in your efforts to take care of you and your kiddos, his issue with the pot is just that... his issue. I am sorry to hear he is using, but glad that you know how to deal with the side effects on the family. I have complete confidence in your ability find that balance.
I hope you have a great 2007, and so glad you posted. It's good to hear from you!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
So glad that you are working on taking care of you - doing what is healthy & productive for you & your recovery. That is a great focus for the new year. Your growth in your program has been wonderful to watch - I'm so excited for you.
I do, like the others, have concerns on the legal issues of your A partaking in illegal substances. Such as where is he purchasing the stuff? Drug dealers are usually arrested at some point in time. He has the possibility of being arrested also. Will the use progress to harder drugs? Will he begin to sell to promote his habit? Will he use around you & the children? Putting you and them at risk.
Of course, you can't answer any of these questions, but it can help you look at the situation as far as if you may need to set some healthier boundaries to protect you & the twins. Seek the guidance of your HP & trust your recovery. You are becoming a wise & healthy woman. I'm sure you will know what is best for you & your family.
Sending you prayers for strength, guidance, and serenity,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I guess it helps to write these things out. Thanks for listening friends.
