The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Language can be a fascinating thing. One single word can have so many different meanings depending on how it is said, who is reading it, what context it is used in, and so on. One word can be positive to one person, yet negative to another. Why do you suppose that is? I rather suspect it has to do with our own life experiences.
In our CAL booklet "Blueprint for Progress - Al-Anon's Fourth Step Inventory" there is a chapter on Character Traits. It lists words that are the extreme opposite of each other. For example: Generous vs. Selfish. Now depending on your own life experience, you may think either one of those is a "bad" word or a "bad" way to be. What I have/am learning, is that really neither word is "bad". My goal is in learning the healthy balance between the two. There are times when being generous are appropriate, just as there are times when being selfish is appropriate. The goal is in learning when the appropriate times are for each of those.
When it comes to my own self-care/well-being, yes, I may need to be selfish. If I allow myself to become run down, stressed out, emotionally over extended, physically ill, mentally exhausted.... well what good am I doing for myself or for anyone else? Am I able to think clearly then? Am I able to handle situations in a healthy way then? Absolutely not. I tend to snap at people, make errors in judgement, am extremely grumpy (or worse! LOL) and so on. So taking care of myself is important.
When I take care of myself, I then have energy to be generous with helping others. I'm also able to think more clearly, to realize when someone else may be having a rough time and just needs a shoulder to lean on or an understanding ear to listen. When I take care of myself, I am able to be objective rather than taking what others may say as a personal attack. I am better able to Live and Let Live.
I hear so many times here about "trigger words." Perhaps learning to be able to see how a word can have a whole other meaning might help to defuse that word from being a "trigger." What do y'all think?
Luv, Kis
__________________
Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
One word I'd have to say is a trigger for me is "mature" or it's counterpart "immature".
These words are often used as if they are opposites and absolutes. The concept of maturity is something I think we strive for in the program, although it's not spelled out literally that way. But the word is used so often as a black/white judgement that when I hear it, I just shut down and have a tendency to dismiss the rest of what is being said.
It's also playing dirty in an argument, to call the other person immature. It's a sneak attack because if the person is defensive, it only makes them seem even more immature.
I guess we Alanons probably have the same exact issue with the word "normal".
"I'm normal and you're not" "I'm mature and you're not"
I really try to stay away from adjectives applied to a whole person, because these terms are *relative* and don't function as absolutes.
I have been on-line, in chats, boards, etc. of all types for a long time. I am always amused when I get called "mature" and then "immature" all in the same thread.
I have been praised as a "leader", condemned as a "megalomaniac", condemned as a "sycophant", praised as an "independent thinker", condemned as "always negative", praised as "bluntly honest", condemned as a "lemming", and told I was "nobody"... all in the same thread. If this doesn't prove my point that it's all relative, and all just words, I don't know what does.
I like this saying - I don't know who said it originally but I like it:
Do not lead me, for I may not follow. Do not follow me, for I may not lead. Walk beside me and be my friend.
