The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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level.
Hi everyone. My name is Rose married to an A and have a beautiful 3 1/2 yr old son. I feel like I am losing my mind at times. My A was sober for so many years and we decided to have a baby. Ever since my son was born my A has gone from good to bad to worse the older my son gets. My A also suffers from depression/anxiety/panic attacks. Seems like every holiday season he goes off the deep end and I am simply sick of it! My son sees and hears everything now and I will not have him around this. My A is also a runner, so as soon as we start to argue he runs out of the house. As soon as I see that he may have had a couple of drinks in him I immediately take the car keys so he can't drive. Last March my A was got a dui and spent the night in jail. He is still on probation and is super depressed over the whole thing with regret. So he was sober for 6 months, going to meetings and his drug & Alcohol counselor. He was doing good until thanksgiving came. He started to slowly slip. Well, the week before xmas he blew into his breathizer in the car and it failed and he went off the deep end for 5 days! then xmas week he was so full with regret that he became extremely depressed. You can't even talk to him when he gets like this. I am just so sick of it all though. I told him the next time he picks up a drink will be the last time he walks through that door to me and my son. I will not have it around my son. I had to go out for a couple of hours last week to my aunts wake and my son kept saying but mommy what if daddy leaves me. It breaks my heart to hear things like this come out of his mouth. I have been with my A for 20 years and I know that I don't need him and I can make it on my own raising my son. I am so angry! My A is back in AA and back on all his meds for depression. I just need to talk to someone that knows where I am coming from.
Welcome to MIP Rose!! You are in a good place here to vent your feelings and gain some insight and wisdom from others on the board. It is so frustrating and heart breaking to be around others with this disease. This program is helping me to put the focus back on me and the things that matter most in my life. My AH matters, but I can no longer put his needs before my own or my children's. I know how it feels when little ones see and hear everything. I have 3 1/2 year old twin boys and they see the affects of this disease already. The three of us are a team no matter what happens to the A. We would like him to be apart of that team, but some days he just can't handle the pressures of the kids, money, home life and he finds his escape. It is quite frustrating. Take good care of you. This program works if you work it. Keep coming back it is a safe place to talk about what you are going through.
Peace,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Welcome to mip. I relate so well. So sad for you, your A and son.
Yes as they use it gets worse and worse and they mean it when they hate it, want to stop, and feel regret.
The disease is horribly powerful. I cannot imagine how bad they feel.
But in alanon we learn to look at the situation and first think about how we are, how our children are.
When I used to think about going back to my A, which I have NO desire to,I would tell me, ok he is sober on program now, but do you want to go back to the worst it every was? Becuz chances are he will relapse and there I am again.
I did my best to love him as is, could have done it, but sadly since his brain surgery horrible abuse started.
One thing, when we make an ultimatum, expect to stick to it. Ultimatums almost always make them act out. It is like a challenge and the arrogant A will love to "show you!"
Keep coming back. We tend to feel this strenth when we are angry, but sometimes the sadness comes and overwhelms us.
welcome rose, i hope you find all the ESH experience,strength and hope that i have found here in the past few weeks. i have a 3 and 6 year old and there is nothing like seeing this disease through their eyes....it is nothing i will allow anymore for my little angels. i will not raise their little spirits in an atmosphere of worry,lies,tears,screams,let downs and fear. i told my A boyfriend it was over and he could no longer share our lives for that reason...and because i want and deserve a better life for me. that decision was months in the coming....i finally reached the point where i would not yell or controll or waste my energy manipulating situations that i had no control over. i had sort of reached step one. and i let go. and in sober moments, i would explain to him, full of compassion and sadness for us all, that i was going to leave if he couldn't stop. that his self destruction caused too much destruction for us nonAs. i said i was nearing the end of my rope. and then one day i reached the end. it is good to hear your feelings and clarity about what you want. channel that anger. trust yourself. rely on us to support,share,understand. love,fifi
Taking care of yourself and your son is nothing to feel guilty about. It is sad, but it is reality - ther is nothign you can do for your A, but a lot you can do for yourself.
I have been talking to my teenage daughter a lot lately - some stories are coming out of things that happened when my husband was drinking, that I never learned about at the time. Like the way she was always worried that childrens' services would come and take her and her brother away from us. Or the way a classmate told her that she was not allowed to play with her, because "your dad drinks". All that heartbreak, fear and shame in that little head, that I had no idea about.
thank you all for your kind words and understanding. I feel so alone at times. I have tried to go to al anon meetings in the past but it is so hard to get out with working all day and noone to watch my son at home especially right now with me not trusting my A if I go out.
Get yourself some of our literature - you can buy it from the link at the top of the page or from amaon or ebay, or borrow it from the library (that 's a liberating experience, especially if it's a small enough town that the librarians know you!) or contact your local meeting and they will find you some. Even if you can't make it to many meetings, you can talk to local alanon people. You can get contact numbers from the world service office, or from your phone book, also there is usually an ad in the classified section of your newspaper, under 'services', or from any community social services office. Don't feel shy to phone that number - every one of us was scared and new at one time, ashamed at admitting the problem. We all remember what it was like. We have online real time meetings here, plus there is usually someone in the chat room. And of course there are these boards - if you read through the older posts you will for sure find some that speak to you. Pay attention to the responses - eventually it sorta seeps in, and you start to do some of these things in your own life. It does work, and the more you put into it the more you get out.
