Am I doing the wrong thing? - Al-Anon Family Group

abryann · Member

Am I doing the wrong thing?

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Abryann and welcome to MIP.

So many people seem to excuse the terrible rantings and carryings on of a drunk by saying, "It's the disease talking." I, on the other hand, am inclined to accept the more literal aproach. By God, it's HIM talking and behaving abominably, and there is no getting around it. Did you do the right thing by not allowing him to drive drunk? I say, "yes." I do not feel it is enabling to keep a drunk driver off the road. We all know what havoc and destruction they can cause, and to allow anyone to drive drunk, if you can prevent it, is unthinkable. So, dear one, I think you DID do the right thing.

Next thing to consider is whether you want to spend your life with this sort of ugliness surrounding you. That's a question only you can answer, but while you are still able to get away, it's not a bad idea to give your future some serious thought.

I send you load of hugs and I wish you well. Come back often. There's caring and understanding here for the taking.

Diva

ZiggyDoodles · Senior Member

You did what you felt was necessary for your safety. Good job on taking the bus.

One thing I have learned, is I have to seperate myself from my alcoholic if I want to survive. What my A does is none of my business. I make a choice to take the bus, call a cab, call a friend.

If I think he is a danger to himself and others.....I'd go ahead and let him drive...but the moment he made it to the driveway, I would calling the police. I have learned, not to confront my A when he is drunk. I have learned that I cannot reason with him in any way when he is in that state. It is wasted breath, wasted effort, and could very easily become dangerous.

I had to learn to love tough and still love. If that makes sense.

You are right...he is not in his right mind and thinking clearly. I would only try to talk to him when he sober and tell him he isn't taking me with him when he is like this.

We have to get ourselves healthy first before we can help anybody. You are not the cause of his drinking, you cannot control his drinking, and you cannot cure it.

Keep coming back here to these boards. I hope that you are also able to find some face to face meetings. If you cannot get there...I am sure someone will come get you or atleast talk to you over the phone until you can go.

Ziggy

carolinagirl · ~*Service Worker*~

I gotta agree with both Diva and Ziggy. I agree that the "disease talking" is a good out for them accepting responsibility for their behavior. I also agree that you shouldn't try to stop him from doing what he's going to do. I would also have called the police as soon as he hit the driveway with the keys and hope to God he got pulled over. That's not meanness, that's the logical consequence of his action. Drive drunk, get a dui. If you saw a drunk driver swerving all over the road no doubt you'd call the police before someone got hurt. You are just giving the same courtesy in this case. I know it's hard not to think about the effect that his actions will have on you but that is the heart of detachment. I have gone down so many roads I wish I hadn't just trying to protect myself financially from him. Hoping that I would somehow gain and then being pissed off when I don't because he does what he chooses to do. So all you can do is hope for the best and prepare for the worst as far as I can tell and don't ever set yourself up to be dependent on an A.

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are not alone. There a lot of people who understand.

World Service Organization Website –

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Chat room is open 24/7 there here the link to www.mipchat.net or http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Here are some things that have helped me since in the program.

Go face to face meeting & online meeting.

post on the board here on the site. I have gotten a lot of good feed back.

· In this program u learn that u have choices. In Alanon we don’t give advice but only suggestions.

· Set support system. people do not judge. You need someone who can go for coffee on a bad day, or pick up a phone and call when in trouble. The support is what is important when you first this program.

Have a sponsor. Someone work one on one with you.

You don’t have to do this the minute u come to the program but I suggest that u do it when u can. It help.

Meeting schedule: meetings are in here and run approximately 90 minutes from: Monday-Friday, 9 am and 9 pm EST, Saturday: 10 am and 9 pm EST, Sunday: 10 am and 7 pm EST. Topics are selected by participants at meeting time. UK +5 hours, central -1 hour, mountain -2 hours, pacific -3 hours. Open chat all other times.

nycbt · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi it is very hard to detached and not feed into his diease. They make you think that you are doing something wrong that there is something wrong with you. THere is nothing wrong with you that don't like the change. They don't like that you are changing and that you don't want to live that way any more. It is hard for them to adjusted. YOu did the right thing. A you are here you will get better. After meeting new people in alanon you will learn that things well get better.

Becky

carolena · Senior Member

Hi, I wouldn't care who the person was, if they were drunk, I'd try to keep them from driving whatever it took. I insisted on being designated driver when I worked for gov't because I didn't drink at all. Never did I feel like I was enabling someone if I knew they were alcoholic; however, I did not help them get their car back from party place.

I don't see that as control or enabling, I see that as doing the necessary and "next right thing" for personal and public safety.

There are many innocent adults and children on the road.

It's not your fault that you're doing your A a favor and he's too intoxicated to see it.

I believe you a woman of courage. I'm just so sorry that you're going through all this.

Many hugs.

abryann · Member

He called me a few minutes ago and said "Thank you". And he apologized, which I hear so often anymore it makes me want to throw my head back and screech "So stop doing it!" (with a couple of expletives thrown in). And he said he was on his way to an afternoon meeting with one of the guys he met in treatment (he graduated from treatment a month ago, and a few days later was back at it. I'm so incredibly frustrated.) Ugh, I'm emotionally exhausted already, and it's only 1 o'clock! Is he really going to a meeting? I don't know. Is he going to get a bottle after the meeting (which is his habit)? I don't know. But, I know I'm not going to worry about it. He's going to do what he's going to do. I'm going to busy myself with work and put him aside in my head for a bit. Thanks for all the support, it really does wonders!

Jennifer · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Abryann, welcome to MIP.

Most important in my eyes is that you decided to remove yourself from riding with him today no matter what. Keeping yourself safe is #1.

You did a very brave thing. Right or wrong isn't my place to decide, logically I know that taking keys away from someone drunk is the right thing to do. I also believe making myself into the key police would be harmful to me. This is one of those situation by situation decisions that only the person in it can make the decision. I'm very glad it all worked for the best.

Jennifer

CJ · ~*Service Worker*~

there is nothing wrong with calling the police when seeing a criminal act in progress -- we all know what could happen while DUI. not only could it save HIS life, but innocent people on the road, also.

my two cents
with love,

cj

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.