((((Karilynn))))

Okay, this is going to sound really kind of smart a** but I want to reconnect with my Lawn Chair, LOL. 

I am, as my sponsor would say -- always doing something.  I like to do project, learn things, work in the yard etc.  I do enjoy this stuff.... but, I've got to learn to sit down and put my feet up and not burn the candle at both ends.  I want to find that little bit of silence that can only be found while sitting in my lawn chair.  hmmm  Now I can't wait for spring !!

 I'm gonna be a smart a** too (thanks for the permission, Luna! )  I've already started my "new years resolutions a long time ago!

 We were talking about beginnings at my f2f on sunday. I shared that, growing up, I noticed how it was that at this point of the year, gym membership commercials, weight watchers commercials, and slim fast commercials seemed to just be everywhere. Everywhere I went there they were. I couldn't figure out why. I also couldn't figure out why it was people had to wait to the dead of winter to start doing something important, like exercising, or losing weight, or stopping smoking. It also occured to me that within 2 months, they'd just give up. Couldn't take it. Run outta steam.

 This was also how it was in my alcholic family system, I said. There were many many many years before my mom left dad where she felt that if she could be the perfect wife, Dad would straighten his life out. Realizing at one point that this was failing, she roped me into the insanity, trying to force me to be the perfect daughter. And for awhile this worked, to some degree. The floors were so clean you could eat off'em. The counters, spotless. Me? Miserable. and by about 12 or 13 I figured out Dad wasn't gonna change, and without a local alateen, I didn't have the support to come to my own decisions or well being on my own (I didn't encounter ala teen till we moved to Dayton, I was still in Hendersonville at this time).

 So I did what the "Resolutionaries" do: I quit. The dirty smelly clothes laid on the carpet SO LONG that dad had to pay for a professional to come and power scrub the carpet in order to get the smell out. The clothes that were supposed to be swtiched from the washer to the dryer? I'd let'em sit in the washer and mildew! Heck with you, mom!, I'd think to myself, You're leaving me with THAT man that's doing THOSE things, TO me, and you want WHAT? FUGGETABOUTAH! (As they say on the Sopranos)

 Fast forward to July 2005. I'm in the psychiatric unit of a private hospital with a councelor. She's talking about *gulp* Goals. The future. I'm not having nothing to do with it. No sirree bob. Not me. She backs up. Do I understand that I have no garentees about waking up tomorrow? Yes, I explain, but given that I'm a reasonably healthy 23 year old, there's a fairly good chance it'll happen. She agrees. Then, she explains about making small goals; to do lists, of sorts, where the objective is nothing more than to "JUST DO IT!" No punishments if it all doesn't get done (No police are going to come and get me if I don't get to the post office TODAY. The post office will be there TOMORROW.) No reward if it does get done. JUST DO IT.  one step at a time. One bit at a time

 She started with eating. Eating! Showering. Getting to class on time. Basic stuff!  Shouldn't I knopw this by now? (Well, it was pointed out, look where you are. Obviously there was a breakdown SOMEWHERE )

 This has expanded itself to what you were asking, dear.

 Every day, I try to do somethign new. Lately, I've been nurturing the inner child, horribly brutalized through years of incest, domestic violence, neglect, and poverty. And you know what? I've forgotten how courageous I was as a child! Those monkey bars feared ME! Not the other way around! Those trees were nothin--but damn, those falls were quite their share of long!  And those boys on the soccer field? (I'm really proud of this, actually) Some of them actually quit when I came on. They just weren't good enough. I've been using art, my councelor, my wonderful sponsor (sent by god and this program), and of course, our program to nurture "Little Sarah" and re assure her and me that NO is a complete sentence that uses two letters

 I also, as I shared, went to the art museam and....I SHOPPED. I did! I bought something! I bought a dry erase board with the Degas ballerinas on it, a poster with the Monet garden on it and a calender with paint by number pictures of some of the greatest works of art (Remember American Gothic? It's in there!).

 To me, every day is a "new year." FULL of new experiences. As long as I'm "plugged into" my higher power, my divine spirit...the rest will be revealed to me. Then, it's on me to take assertive, affirmative, appropriate action,.