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I feel hopeless right now and was wondering what to do. I'm recently separated from my A. It's been a long road and through a year of al-anon I've managed to try and treat him with respect and kindness and I've let go of most of the anger. I'm obviously not perfect in this area, but there has been a huge change. The isms are getting to me though. Out of four visitations he's canceled on two already. This week the child support is going to be late and it's just a case of well whatever screw you and your mortgage payment. I ain't got it, you ain't getting it. I've worked really hard to treat him as a man with a disease but trying to get him to do things that he's supposed to do is infuriating to the extreme. Six weeks trying to get a car fixed in return for keeping stuff in my garage. 1 and a half years waiting for the stuff in the garage to be stored neatly away in an empty room. Nothing has still been moved. I help wrap his christmas presents, smile and say it's ok when visitations are canceled and I'm left with disappointed children. It's like a never ending saga and at some point I wonder to myself is it worth it. All of these little things and there are many more just add up to me getting angry and then my kids see it in me. When is enough enough for me to just let go completely and decide to have just a business relationship with him. I'm not sure i can spend another 12 years giving as much understanding as I can to receive nothing in return. The biggest thing for me is the complete lack of respect and I think everyone deserves that. Al-anon has done wonders for me in not expecting anything out of him, but there are things that need to be done that aren't being done and it starts to wear on me. I'm more interested now in my serenity so I can be calm and relaxed around the kids. To be frank, I couldn't give a shit anymore what he does or doesn't do, so how do I approach this. I feel I've given all I can and there's nothing left. I just want to say hi and bye twice a week, but I worry this might affect the kids also. Christmas was his day this year and he decided to spend it at our house. Yeah great for the kids, but it's still all so raw for me and having him around for any length of time just brings it all back. Sleeping by 11am christmas morning and I'm left to do everything. I don't want this next year. I want to be alone Christmas day with the kids, but I feel tinges of guilt because that is what's best for me and not them. I'm rambling here, but just need to hear some words of wisdom. I know all the let it go, how important is it, detach with love, etc., but is there a time when it's time to just say ok, I've done what I can and now I can't do it anymore for my own sanity. Thanks for listening.
i split from my EX-boyf .. the "A" in august of last year, and he's been in and out of my life the past year, as enemy and friend..depending on his drinking status.
i had not spoken to him the past 4 mths at all. my choice (after he confessed to sleeping my people behind my back)
he resurfaced a few weeks ago again and begged me to talk to him.
i agreed to meet him for a chat and he ended up making me feel guilty for leaving him, begging me to give him another go, telling me we were soulmates and getting me into that state where im trying hard to believe him but know that i shudn't
well 2 nites ago he got me round to his place and after being 2gether in his bedroom for 2 hrs..he tells me he has to go out so when am i leaving! i was in shock and he tells me...if i wont give him a2 nd chance he's got some other girl lined up..dying to sleep with hima nd go out with him,
i left. and text him telling him i never wanted to speak to him again.
he never replied until 2day.... saying "i have a new girlfriend now, i never want to hear, see or speak to you again"
ihave spent the last 4 hrs crying, didnt go out for New Yrs celebrations, i am lost, angry, soo sad...and hate the fact he's prob curled up all happy with his new slut! and i have a fair idea who she is cox she was texting him the last couple of weeks asking him out,
im sick to my stomach.
why cant i move on, why do i let him get to me.......... why can I NOT BE HAPPY just for once!
I like the strength in your tone. You do not play the "victim" to him. Good girl! I know how you feel about the kids. I have three and my ah does the same to him. I would rather have him all the way in their lives or nothing at all and let them go.
He'll realize when it's too late what he's done. Kids grow up and they will show resentment towards him and it'll be no one's fault but his own.
Sorry you have to go through all this crap. Try and have a nice night in peace. Lots of prayers to you.
You sound strong and at peace. Finding acceptance of the A in your life is a wonderful experience, for me it got rid of most of the expectations that brought about the anger. It also left me open to resentment from feeling like a doormat. Whenever I am starting to feel runover, confused or not happy with my situation now I usually need to take a hard look at my boundaries and see what changes need to be made in order to make my life better. Putting them into action is a whole other scary step, but it's at least a start on figuring out what i need.
By the way, welcome to MIP! I'm glad you are here, keep coming back.
His actions have consequences - if those consequences are that you no longer want to have much to do with him, that's fine, in my mind. It's possible for you to protect yourself from him without hating him or bad mouthing him. This will become easier as the kids get older, I think. Questions like "Why does Daddy....?" can be answered with "You'll have to ask Daddy that, I don't know." Of course you want to do what is best for the kids, but it is not that good for them to see you biting your tongue, or stressing out, either. You are their model for sane, balanced behaviour (how's THAT for a scary thought!) - you can teach them that it is acceptable to take care of yourself.
Rebecca - so sorry for your pain. It's those expectations, they get you every time. You deserve someone who will treat you right and value you, and you don't have to settle for someone who will use you.
And they say that the families of A's are in worse shape than the A's. I think it is because we are doing all the work and all the emotional work. My AHsober and I are separated by his choice. He says we will always have a relationship because of our children who are out of the house now. He came for Christmas and it was ok but stilted because he doesn't want to anything emotional, affectionate, etc.
I think that they are just unconscious whether they are drinking or not. And they are underdeveloped because they are A's. I have asked my AHsober to help fix the car, follow-up on banking matters, etc. and invariable he doesn't do it or forgets. I think why keep trying.
He left for New Year's and then said he would come back to see the boys off to college. I said forget it. He was going to a bar with his buddies for New Year's. I thought that it was worth it to keep some kind of relationship for our sons but I don't think it is. He is a goner and into his disease.
I think that you are doing great. Showing strength and knowing what you want. There are no easy answers especially when you want to do right for the kids. But the A's need to own up to their impact on their children's lives. Just my opinion.
Thanks for the replies. They all help. I know what you mean about putting the boundaries into effect. I'd given him six weeks to move all of his stuff into this room and at which point I'd start charging him rent. He's really had one and a half years to do this and not one thing has been put in there. It's not something I can do myself as it is heavy mechanical equipment and totally spread all over my garage so I'm stepping over everything to walk through. I suggested that during the six weeks he could move two things every time he comes over and that would be about sixteen things moved, but of course that didn't work. As of this week he's going to be charged $50 a week until it's all moved over. Hopefully I can put into practice this boundary to give him financial motivation to sort it out. He has been going to put one small thing on my ac for about four weeks now and each time he comes he has a reason not to do it. Saturday he said he'd just do it sunday when he brought the kids back. Sunday it was it's raining, so I'll do it tuesday and today it was I forgot my tools. It's always something lol. It's great not to have expectations and I'm learning also not to negotiate any kind of agreement which results in an expectation. I could have had $300 rent money by now, paid a mechanic to put the part on and still had enough left over to take the kids out to dinner. Will I ever learn?!
