The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This has been the worst year I can imagine. After being sober for 8 years my husband starting drinking again, as of today, has gone to detox this year 6 times on his own. I am getting so tired of the rambling about what a*holes. (and that is being polite), (I am an ugly c**t because he cant find my ATM card that I just left on the hall table,) my daughter (19) and son (18) are. It makes me sick to hear him call the children that he loves so much unthinkable names. My daughter is going to college, has two part time jobs and he consistantly calls her a loser, unresponsible, and every name in the book - she spends most nights at a friend's house, and I can't say that I blame her. When she calls on the phone she doesn't talk to him. Last night this loving dad posted a stop smoking ad on her bedroom door, with obsentites about her written all over it. My son has totally wiped him out of his life - doesn't talk to him and wants nothing to do with is Dad. He has been like this since the beginning of the year. Last May 2005 year we had an intervention for his Mother, we were getting calls that she was passed out in her car in the condo parking lot, leaving pans on the stove, she ended up being treated for alcohol and addiction to pain killers. During this stint she was diagnosed with early Altzeihmers. She ended up living with us for 6 months, until a place in an assisted living situation which she hates and I thinks blames us for.
My sister died in November from alcoholism, she was in the hospital for 6 weeks before dying, dear old hubby came out of detox two days before she died and was back in 2 weeks later. He hasn't had a steady job for at least a year, we are behind on our mortgage and I am at a loss of what to do, I work full time (of course) but my salary doesn't cover it all. No one at work knows the sitation at home, but it is embarrassing when I get 5 calls all in a row from him, sounding as though his mouth is full of cotton wool.
My family don't know that he is drinking again, and they are supposed to come over for diner tomorrow night.. what do I do??? I don't know if my Mother can handle seeing this.
Last night I went to an Alanon meeting, it made me feel better, but it isn't helping me with the stuff that I have to deal with today.
I am so very sorry. Do you think it is possible to call your family and alert them to the facts before they arrive? Honesty would be a very good policy in this situation.
On the larger front, the questions are: what do you want to do? What would make you happiest, and how can you accomplish it? Apart from al-anon there are marriage counselors, individual therapist, life coaches, who can help you to clarify your answers and achieve your goals.
Sounds like you have it from all sides - so hard, too hard to do all on your own.
I'd say one place to start is to let go of the parts of this that are not yours - it's not your job to make sure your family thinks well of him, or to mend his relationships with his children, or to pay for his booze, or to keep his secrets, or...?
I would definitiely be as honest as I could with people I was close to - let your family know he's drinking again, and let your kids know that YOU are on their side.
((((((((((davidswife))))). First of all I would like to welcome you,,,,YOU are in the right place! As for all of us,,there is no magic wand to wave to make things better. However there is "HOPE" and that is what alanon gives us. Face to face meetings help us on our journey to a better life whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. This program isnt about them or anyone else,,it is about YOU. You had mentioned that you had attended a meeting, that is excellent. There are meetings usually available every night of the week and even afternoon meetings in some areas. So what I suggest is go to as many as you can or as you need to help you get over and move on with your life. I as a skeptic about most things did not think anyone or anything could help me prior to alanon. But when I became so low and so desparate for help I started alanon 7 years ago. I just wish I would have went long before that. It has helped and my once a week (faithfully) meeting keeps me in check, and I am slowly becoming my old self again,,regaining peace and serenity in my life,,,laughing out loud,,and just enjoying life again, one day at a time. It works if you work it and YOU are worth it!..................gardengal
I have now been two two f2f meetings and been on the ones that are on line here. I know that it isn't alot and I have been trying to remember that this is my A's problem and that he has to find a way to deal with it.
I just got a call at work from my husband saying that he feels as though he has failed us. He has been helping an elderly cousin with some family issues!! and he got a card from one of this guy's sons thanking him for supporting his Father. He was crying saying how can he help someone else but let me and the kids down so much and that he has made arrangements to check into the hospital tomorrow (again). I am happy that he is going to do this for himself and at the same time I am very leary. This means that he is also escaping the financial issues that need to be dealt with before our house is in foreclosure.
Being leary is probably the best bet. I know that it is late in the financial "plan B" game, but ya gotta start somewhere. Have you thought about where you are going to live?
much love cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
1st things 1st .... welcome. You are in the right place. And I hope you'll keep coming back. While each of us has our own challenges ...everybody's challenges are a bit different from each others.... still, I think it is fair to say we do have an understanding of what you are living through. And that's because in one form or another we've been there too. I am so glad you are a part of the Miracles in process al anon group now.
You may not want to give us your real name ... that is totally fine and is up to you. Many of us use pseudonyms here. But, well, I don't think you are defined by your husband or by anyone else, so I'd like to call you by whatever other name that you choose for yourself that is just you, if you would share that with me, with us.
I don't know the best thing to say about what all you have going on -- huge amounts of alcoholic chaos overwhelming your life. I wish this were a face-to-face (F2F) meeting where afterwords I could just come over and welcome you and give you a hug. You don't have to go through it alone - and for me that was the most comforting thing. Not having to go through it alone and finding people who understood and had gotten through it. You are at the right place.
After I made up that name, I thought that was probably a psychological reason! My name is Ann! I have found a meeting that I can go to on my lunch hour. They meet on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. This week I went on Wed. and today. I have also been reading these boards and the chat room that is here.
David checked himself into the hospital today for detox. It is for 3 to 5 days - not a long time, but I can only hope that this is a start.
Coming to Al anon was a life opening start for me .. perhaps you might feel similarly in time. For me it took time and work on my part to be able to start not getting pulled into the alcoholic chaos everytime in the way that had completely derailed my life. I'm now back on track and moving in a direction I like. I feel like me in ways I haven't in years. I've found that a combination of f2f and on-line meetings have been helpful ... something about reading it ... I guess that's how I learn.
I'm glad you're here and that shared your name. Feel free to pm me if you might ever want to do so. Glad to hear you've found some f2f meetings in your area.
