My daughter read me this and it was an omg moment. This is so profound to me, so true.

I almost have all of A's stuff gone. My son came over and scoped out the tools.... I knew tha that was that... haha but that way he did not freak too much when I asked him and his friend to get my hay and grain to the barn! smile smile.

Not much left of A here now. I already decided if he calls, I will see what he wants but that is all. Will do nothing for him. I keep thinking how when things were good I bought him two nice leather jackets. Well guess what? I went thru his cloths and no leather jackets. He surely traded for dope.

He left all his cloths here. I bought most of them. I loved doing that. He told me he never had so many socks and underwear in his life. And I never had so much jewelry. the cool natural kind. OH and some fancy too.

But anyway I thought about how he would call about his "stuff" and not ask a thing about me. I know it is the disease, but it is also him. now since the surgery. He was not like this before when he drank and stuff. He was not abusive before either.

But uno it still hurts the same. My shoulder is disabled the same. It's so weird you guys to be where i am. You know what? I was talking to my son. I said no go ahead and take it I am done. He of course does not believe me, why should he? I have been back and forth with this man most of my life and all of his.

But something hit me. I said, "you know what Mac? He got out of jail after setting me up to believe things were finally ok. Then I find him in an apartment of another womans. No he is not cheating. But  you know, he is. I am his wife, he should have come to me. But he chose another woman, for whatever reason. To me yes he is cheating."

I told my A if you ever cheat on me, I am done. I meant it. And I mean it now. He has hurt me as bad as if he did have sex with someone else. He tore my heart out.

It is so different this time. It is so different period. I don't think I ever want to get married again. I told Mac this and then said I hoped to heck no one chases me and talks me into it.

I have no regrets. none. I would marry him again.

Anyway thank you for listening. Love,debilyn who hopes you like the following

The Fresco by Sheri S. Tepper
>
> "I'm telling you now. Just listen. This psychologist
> asked me to visualize my trying to save someone who
> was drowning. She said to visualize the drowning
> person pulling my head under. She said to imagine that
> I struggled, and struggled, getting my head up just
> enough to gulp some air, but every time I did, the
> drowning person pulled my head under again.
> She said living with someone like your dad is like
> trying to save someone from drowning when what that
> person really wants is to drown you with him. He wants
> to go, but he doesn't want to go alone. She said the
> drowner's strongest motivation is to 'miserate his
> companions.'  To pull your head under over and over
> until all your strength is gone and you die...
> She said once you've done everything you can to get
> help for the person, once the drowner has firmly or
> repeatedly rejected that help, the drowner has made
> his choice.  He's deciding to be where he is, when he
> is, as he is. If you choose not to drown, at that
> point, you quit trying to save the person. You leave
> him where he wants to be and you stand back from him
> far enough he can't drag you in. That may mean far
> away.
> Sometimes when the constant rescuer walks away, the
> drowner decides to swim to shore."
>
>
> 
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>
>