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O.k. for the past couple of days we have been posting about frustrations with children and taking anger out on them, and not having clean houses. Well so past couple of nights I have been trying to work one on one with my children in a chore--I tend to expect them to clean or put away whatever I want them to without really explaining how I want it done (or what it should look like in the end) and then getting upset when it does look the way I want it to, or things aren't up where I want them to be. Then I realized that it is a big part my fault for not showing them. So I thought o.k. Dawn if you want it a certain way work with them so they can really understand.
So last night I am working with my high functioning Autistic son (more along Asperger's really)--we are doing the dishes--loading the dishwasher---OH MY WORD!!!!!! I didn't know if I wanted to laugh, cry, yell, or give up!!! It really was funny--I would help him rinse off the dishes (because you know food can't be on the dishes before you put them in the DISH washer or the food won't come off!!1 :) ) Then I would tell him where to put it in the dishwasher--I am thinking o.k. you maximize the space--get as many in there as possible. He is thinking you have to do it by size or color, or shape (whatever looked right in his head) so if there were only 4 cups the same size--that was all that could go on that row b/c the others weren't that size so they couldn't go there. So he was ready to close the dishwasher up with about 10 dishes in it while there was still a sink full left. I would rearrange a couple of things and say see now we can fit some more in--then I would turn around to rinse off another dish--to turn around to him having reorganizing to how he had it.
I was so frustrated, but I was laughing too! Bless his heart it bothered him so much to do it my way--it just didn't look or feel right to him. By the end we were both worn out, but still on speaking and loving terms!!!
I think I have made up my mind to only have him do the dishes once a week--his poor sisters are going to have to pick up the slack--I'm just not sure he and I could survive it if he did it more often. Maybe just putting away the clean dishes would be better.
How sweet. I can imagine the dishes being put up in my head right now....I have a visual...I repeat, I have a visual. lol. My son is a lot like this. Especially with hangers. Color coated, size, plastic, wire....it is cute. Frustrating at times, he can't seem to let go of things he is doing, when he is in his focus. He is ADHD. Years ago I was told he could be borderline autisic, but we didn't go any further with it. I see some of the traits more and more in him.
Thank you for the post. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry (out of how cute!)
I admire your strength & patience in working with your children in the "chores" area. That was always so tough for us. Our household had many, many fights over chores, especially because it was prior to recovery and my AH was very much a control freak about the neatness of the house.
Compromise, creativity, and clear cut boundaries in chores are great in helping our children develop into responsible adults. One of my daughters was ADD & we did a lot of behavior modification with low doses of medication so that she could learn to function without the medication as she became an adult. It was tough & we all shed a lot of tears. But she is almost 22 yrs old & next week she will graduate from Beauty School. She has passed most of her test with high scores & is doing it without any medication. That makes all the struggles worth it. Plus I get free hair cuts!!
Thanks for sharing your story about your son - I can just imagine the scene in the kitchen - too cute.
See ya,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
That was funny!! I can just imagine :) He sounds like he may be more of a towel folder type of guy, all organizd by color and size. I used to play a game with my kids when they were younger if the house was cluttered. I'd say..OK, we have 10 min. to clean as fast as we can Go Go Go!!! Hurry hurry!! Who can do it fastest?? We all scrambled around like fools LOL..it worked until they were about 10.
After that when they were older I would bring out designated laundry baskets, put their stuff in it that was in the living room, put it in their bedrooms and shut the door. I could care less if they wanted to sleep in squaller, just keep the door shut. On weekends they had chores, sweepng, dusting etc. I would be cleaning with them so it was a family affair. If for some reason someone refused or didn't feel like it, the next time they asked a favor (which inevitably was the same day) or for me to be their taxi..Nope! sorry, I just don't feel like it, I can't help you. For the most part they learned to get you have to give and did what they were supposed to do. I've even been known to hold dinner for ransom in extreme cases of stubborness.
I'm all about less tension. I know I'm not more likely to do something because someone is yelling at me, quite the opposite. I'm glad you found laughter in dishwashing, even if he is a quick change artist :)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
A few years back, I went out of town a couple weeks on vacation. My mom was checking up on my house for me, mainly just to water the plants and turn a few lights on and off.
When I got home, there was a plastic laundry basket full of freshly washed clean socks sitting *under my computer desk*. Now my mom is like that, she's not really a total fanatic but sometimes she'll just do something like that, as much to be funny as anything. So ok, mom washed my socks for me... but JUST the socks... and she put them under my computer desk.
I really wanted to have it figured out before I called her and asked for an explanation. I had to think about it for a while, and suddenly it dawned on me... she was putting the socks back exactly where she found them! My routine was to come home every day, kick my shoes off, sit down at my computer. And then peel my socks off right there at the computer desk. Once in a while, I'd pick them all up and wash them - usually when I was *totally* out of clean socks. She picked up all my dirty socks and washed them, but the joke was putting the clean socks back under the desk. LOL. What's funny is, this was one of those fairly good size baskets and it was FULL. I mean, we're talking probably 40 pairs of socks here. LOL. I still laugh about that one.
And no, I don't do it anymore. Since moving to my new house, I've become a bit more adamant about putting things (clean and dirty) in their place. I can tell you for certain there are NO socks under my computer desk... clean or dirty. Howard Hughes I ain't, but when it comes to dirty dishes and dirty clothes, I like to whisk them off to where they belong ASAP. Which probably drives my family buggy when they visit... "Heeyyyy I wasn't done with my coffee cup yet!!"
What a great story, and I think illustrates the point that, for all kids, we may think that we have made ourselves perfectly clear, but in their universe, there are different priorities. I remember the first time I asked my son to sort the dirty laundry, without specifying what that meant - a pile of his clothes, one of his dad's, one of his sister's and one of mine.
I love the sock story too - amazing how something little like that gives you a lift.
