The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My A son took off to Florida 12 days ago to start fresh with sober friends, job prospects etc. I was so happy to have him far away. I really got my life going.
Yesterday he called to say he wants to come back to NY, not to live with us, but he thinks his separated from wife, will buy him and his dog a ticket to return. ($1000, because the dog is 120lbs and flys cargo). Then he says he can stay with her at her friend's house since she doesn't have her own place right now. This of course is all crazyland. He has burned so many bridges around here. He says Florida didn't work because his friends are all drinking and not helping him and he doesn't want to get caught up in their life style. I don't know if this is real or not.
The only thing I said is that he should remember that his drivers license is suspended and therefore we cannot and will not register his car for him. He hung up on me.
I will stay strong. I will not send money no matter how much he cries. I will not listen to his plans or make suggestions. I will not agree to pick him up at the airport or help him in anyway.
I will continue to live as I have for the past 11 days with him far away.
What in the world are us mom's going to do to be relieved of these problems with our A sons?
You have set your boundary...good for you!!!! Pray for strength to carry it out. That is all you can do. You have no control over what the ex will do for him. Let that part go and take care of your part...which you are doing well.
Good for you in setting those boundaries. They are tough to keep sometimes, but if we set them we have to keep them or they are futile. You have to do the next right thing for you. You A son has his own path to follow and its good that you are forcing him to own up and take responsibility for his life. Part of sobriety is re-learning how to take care of ourselves, same for Alanoner's. Great job!!
Peace,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Hi Laura, You are growing so strong and I'm inspired and encouraged by your strength and resolve! Keep the focus on you and your health. Thanks for sharing, it helps me tremendously too!
One of my favorite stories when I was a kid was called "The Sneeches", by Dr. Seuss. Some of you may remember it. Basically there are these creatures called Sneeches, some have stars on their bellies, some don't. The one with star-bellies proclaim themselves superior. Along comes a huckster with a machine that, for a price, will put stars on the bellies of the plain belly sneeches. Well as the story progresses, the sneeches fight over which is better meanwhile stars on, stars off, and this guy collects all their money and leaves town.
If alcoholics were sneeches, they'd be asking their parents/spouses for money in the morning to put a star on their belly, and by a little after lunchtime, asking for more money to have the star removed. And on and on.
Enabling isn't a one-time bail-out, as we would like to believe and the A would have us believe. It's like a mortgage that never gets paid off, whose rates only increase, and never accrues any value.
I am always impressed with barisax's responses - like a mortgage LOL sometimes that's literal. Anyway, my house was supposed to close today and didn't :( so I was talking to my boss about it (she's dealt with a whole family of a's) and I told her I was gonna pay a bill and then split the rest of the money with the A. She said don't you dare give him a dime. He's just gonna throw it away, you keep that and use it for the kids. She was adamant. It was funny, but at first I felt guilty about the thought of leaving him homeless and keeping all the money. Now it seems like a good idea and I know she's right I might as well just go down to the bar and give it to them now! Drawing the line isn't just for kids it's for the big kids too!
Laura, I can feel that huge sag of hurt with the delusion. FL is not a good place for alcoholics; party time everywhere. Lots of A's end up here to avoid the cold and lots of them are homeless. The boundaries you are setting are essential for your son to step up. If he cannot just now, maybe later. The ex is strictly out of your control. Take care of yourself and stay strong.
