What we used to do sounds silly,but it breaks the tension of coming home tired etc. We had backwards dinners. First dessert as soon as possible. Then a break to get organized, pick up, talk, even start homework and get supper together. Then a later than usual supper. The kids loved it because it was different and silly. I loved it because it gave me time to get it together. It means having something good for dessert like ice cream and we didn't do it everyday.

I feel for you. I was never a single mom, but I know how hard it is to go to work and come home to demanding kids especially with so many other worries.

(((((()))))

Laura

(((CG)))

Oh girl I know myself and my sis in law can empathize with you on this one.  My AH is working seven days a week and its tough doing it all on your own.  I know my sis in law spends a great deal of time yelling at the children to clean up and they're not going to do it the way we'd like it done.  I know for me when I don't spend any time on myself, ie. a hot bath, reading, walking, or what ever I need for at least a half hour an evening then I become very edgy and find myself getting worked up over stuff that really isn't that big of a deal. 

One suggestion I can offer is a rewards system with the kids.  Kids are not usually self-motivated to clean up their mess especially if you have generally taken over the duties for them.  They have learned to expect mommy to do it.  A daily chore chart is helpful and when the task gets done, the kids check it off.  The dollar tree has great stickers.  Everyday they complete their tasks they get a sticker.  At the end of the week maybe as a reinforcer they get to pick something to buy at the dollar store or make a batch of cookies, watch their favorite movie, have a friend over, go somewhere cheap or free.  The consequence for not cleaning up, they don't get the sticker or the fun during the weekend and they get to spend their free weekend time cleaning up.  You should not do it for them.  It won't be perfect... don't put the expectations that high on them.  Settle for them picking up the clothes, wiping off the bathroom, sweeping.  Stuff you know they can do.  Try it for seven days and see what happens.  One thing I have learned as soon as you change the game rules of the home don't be suprised if they balk a bit, but once they see you mean business and feel the rewards of keeping the home clean you may find it easier.  Good luck with that. 

Most importantly is for you to take care of you.  I know how hard it is to steal some time away for yourself.  A half hour a day can really make a difference for you... I promise. 

Peace,

Twinmom~ 

((((((((((((((((Carolinagirl)))))))))))))))))))))),

Oh I so have been there and am there at times.

Someone once told me that when the kids are grown and out of the house I will never say to myself, "If only I kept the house cleaner." Sure I want the house clean, but after working all day I am sooooooooo tired, and cleaning is the last thing I want to do.

My kids help, sure it isn't the way I would do it, but they live there to. I have a 7, 4(soon to be 5) and 3 year old. But they try. My 7 year old unloads the dishwasher, and the dishes don't always go where I want them, but hey that frees up some time for me. My 4 year old has little chores that she can do. The kids like to help out, and so they do. I figure start them out now and maybe I can get some help when they are older. Even my 3 year old has to help out.

My friends all know that I have young ones and that I work full time (and many of them know that my hubby is an active addict) so they don't expect me to when the tidiest house in the world award, and I don't expect the same from them.

What has also helped me is that I have asked myself OK, what rooms need to be clean in order for me to be okay. For me it is the kitchen and the bathrooms. If my kitchen is clean and sanitary, and the bathrooms are clean (especially the guest one which is hared with the kids) then I let the rest go.

Like someone (thank you for this I know who ya are) said in a meeting about the wonder woman syndrome getting in the way. I am not wonder woman, I am not super mom. I am just me, and my  kids aren't perfect, and my house isn't going to look the way I want it to. And mad mom isn't fun to live with and my kids deserve better. So I am working on letting it go.

Yours in recovery,

Mandy

Detach with LOVE.....I have to allow them to make mistakes for themselves.  Everyone has to learn somethings, not all things by doing it ourselves.  I have to detach with love enough to allow them the dignity to try things on their own.  Doesn't mean I am not there and ready to help when it is needed.

I cannot set high expectations of my children.  I cannot expect them to be perfect.  I encourage them to be all they can be with out expecting them to go grow up and just be that way.  I cannot expect their behavior or mine to happen over night.  I can ask them to do something as a parent.  If I do not have my expectations sitting so high, then why am I surprised when it doesn't get done?  Then, I hold them accountable for what they didn't do that I asked.  I have noticed, I am not screaming and yelling at them when I do hold them accountable.  Lowering the expectation for me, is easier on them and myself.

You are the only person that can change you and HP is the only one that can help you do that.  Same goes for me.

Ziggy

On a Northern Exposure TV show, adolescent Ed told the Native American shaman about his struggle with low self-esteem. "You know," said the wise mentor to his protégé, "low self-esteem is the cause of nearly all the suffering in the world."

In any approach to childrearing that is intelligent and ethical, self-esteem has to play a central role. It is the child's feeling of self worth--high or low--that determines, more than any other factor, the lifetime happiness or misery for that child. Parental awareness of the critical importance of the child's self-assessment is essential for understanding his or her behaviors, and the most effective ways to deal with them.

The growth of self-respect and authentic identity is so vital to happiness that, in Your Child's Self-Esteem, Dorothy Corkille Briggs says it is the central framework in relating with children of any age and at any stage.

Words to Parent By
Parents have long searched for a focus, a simple guideline by which to raise their children, just one essential thought to keep in mind. They've asked for a single quotation to post on the refrigerator door as a reminder in times of stress and conflict and confusion in day-to-day childrearing.

As long ago as 1970, Dr. Briggs gave us such a quote. Readers may well stop right now to post it on the door of the fridge:

"Self-esteem is the mainspring that slates every child for success or failure as a human being."

Dorothy C. Briggs, PhD

Self-respect amounts to healthy and realistic attitudes about identity: I am lovable; I have value in simply being myself; I am worthwhile; I am competent, having something valuable to offer. By age five, a child has formed a basic view of himself as a person. He or she has had to decide on answers to the most important of questions: What is my worth as a person? Am I lovable or unlovable? Am I worthy of care and attention and affection? They know the answers by how they are treated.

No single factor, event or experience determines totally the self-assessment. It is derived from accumulated feelings, directly from experience.

What Self-Esteem Is Not
In the term "high self-esteem" we do not mean conceit, or bratty, attention-demanding behavior that describes the temper-tantrum-prone, the tyrannical. Those are the "spoiled" children, the ones who are suffering the painful consequences of neglect. Such behavior is symptomatic of the low self-esteem that comes from being deprived of sufficient care, attention, and affection. A chronically "difficult" child is very likely one who is starved for a feeling of self-worth, of being valued, of being lovable, and so is frantic to meet their need for approval, even at the risk of rejection.

"The small child reasons, 'These all-powerful gods treat me as I deserve to be treated...what they say about me
is what I am.'"

Dorothy C. Briggs

"The worse the child's behavior, the greater his cry for approval. The more withdrawn or obnoxious, the more he needs love and acceptance. The higher his defenses the more starved and alienated he is," Briggs pointed out. The problem is, that sort of behavior tends to drive away the very acceptance and love he needs. It is this syndrome that ends so often in institutional custody, such as in psychiatric hospitals and prisons. And hundreds of thousands of them, from infants to aged, are living on the streets.

Where Are the Parenting Schools?
As we read the paper and watch the evening news, it is not difficult to see that the child who feels lacking in self-worth is capable of the most horrific anti-social acts. With a bit of insight we can also understand that his acts are born of his own pain, that the violence and mayhem is his misguided struggle to compensate for that self-contempt.

Because their own upbringing fell short of adequate emotional support, most parents unthinkingly raise their children in ways that place priority on meeting their own needs. This unfortunate fact is at the root of nearly all the problems of child-rearing, and, by consequential extension, it is the fundamental cause of the most serious problems we must deal with in our society.

In this child-abused-growing-to-be-child-abuser syndrome, there are two great and serious gaps: Parents' self-esteem needs are not sufficiently met, and they are not prepared to meet similar needs of their children.

Indeed, the learning of childrearing skills in general is left mostly to chance. In place of up-to-date information on understanding children and their proper care, there is often harmful and dangerous mythology, misleading information and outright lies. The parent-education gap is abundantly filled by opportunists of all stripes, from political to psychological, from religious to commercial, from medical to educational.

It is shocking to learn that the kind of treatment and care that makes the difference whether a child enjoys a lifetime of health and happiness, or suffers an existence of violence-ridden poverty and misery, is largely a gamble. Meantime, unskilled parents and teachers spank, batter and humiliate children, believing it "builds character."

THE EXTREMISM OF PRAISE AND PUNISHMENT

The permissive parent, usually out of guilt for being neglectful, is likely to be over-generous with praise, thus feeding the child's ego with unrealistic notions of his or her importance. Or the child compensates for neglect with inflated ideas of superiority over other children in intelligence, social status, talents, etc.

The authoritarian, on the other hand, doles out both punishment and praise. But parenting requires a good deal more than that dichotomy. Both extremes are harmful to the child. Both bind the child in a dependency that prevents healthy self-reliance and self respect.

The knowledgeable parent throws out the praise along with the punishment, and seeks a middle, sensible path that uses neither extreme. What is needed--by parents as well as children--is a parenting approach that is neither suppressive nor manipulative, one that is both respectful to the child and self-respecting for the parent.

THE AUTHORITARIAN APPROACH

The authoritarian parent makes all the rules, does the enforcing, makes the judgments, and exacts the punishments. His word is law.

The authoritarian parent is God, seeing the child as a blank slate on which to write programming information. The child is clay, to mold into a preconceived form, a twig to forcibly bend to a desired shape, to hold for the life of the child. The parent is Creator, and therefore infallible, One whose authority is beyond challenge. Rearing a child is God at work, and God-the-Parent is all-powerful. It can strike terror in a child.

In the authoritarian (often called "disciplinarian"), method there is little trust in the child's capacity for self-directed growth or independent learning. The child is constantly reminded, by the denial of meaningful decision-making power, of their lack of worth. Where parents rule, the child is controlled by the dispensing of rewards and punishments, always according to what pleases or displeases authority.

The Struggle for Control
There are four basic choices in forcing compliance to parental law: 1) nagging; 2) punishing; 3) rewarding; 4) giving up.

1. Nagging, or "keeping after them, " eats away at the relationship between parent and child. It is a practice that leaves both exhausted and wishing to avoid each other.

2. Punishing methods can read like a laundry list of meanness: yelling, scolding, isolation or time-out, withdrawing privileges, withdrawing love, and outright violence: assault as in hitting, hairpulling, kicking, spanking. The punishment approach is limited only by the creative hatred of the punisher.

3. Bribery and praise, a disguise for yet another play of power, must be added here. It is the more insidious for its manipulation behind the pretense of "love. "

4. Giving up is the "wit's end" cop-out on parental responsibilities. The beleaguered parents throw hands up in despair, complain that "nothing works," and turn their backs on their job of parenting. All are futile, or counter-productive. Yet all can overcome by parenting classes and counseling.

Effects of the Authoritarian Method (Strict) on the Self-Esteem of the Child:
1. Makes child dependent on authority, fosters feeling of powerlessness

2. Discourages child's growth in assuming responsibility, lack of control of life

3. Creates resentment and hostility in child due to feeling of being property, being a thing "owned"

4. Lack of self-confidence, since trust must be in authorities instead

5. Undermines child's self-trust, and strength of character, authenticity

6. Delays emotional growth; results in feeling of unworthiness, self-respect

PERMISSIVE NEGLECT
The permissive parent is afraid to see that rules are obeyed. They feel guilty if the child's demands for material things cannot be met, like the latest toy craze, or clothes not up-to-the-minute in style. The child generally rules the home, her wants are presented as needs.

Parents themselves confuse wants and needs, bowing submissively to the child's demands, fearful that the child will grow up feeling deprived, and resenting them. The inevitable result: parents' low self-esteem, and suppressed anger at being exploited.

The permissive (unskilled) parent fails to establish reasonable rules, or even guidelines, and is reluctant to use their parental power. The role of parent, they suppose, is to sacrifice their own rights and happiness to "serve" the child, providing far beyond needs to include all wants and desires as well.

The likely consequence: the child is "spoiled" in expecting the world to submit to his or her whims and wishes.

Effects of Permissiveness (License) on the Self-Esteem of the Child

The suffering such a view brings on--for both parents and child--is not difficult to imagine:

1. child acquires a distorted, self-centered view of the world

2. instinctively knows this is not true caring, but rather serves to compensate parent's fears of guilt

3. likely to result in a disturbed child, lacking true parental love

4. eventually must lead to rejection of the child when parents cannot tolerate any more of child's self-centeredness or their demands

SELF-ESTEEM AND DEMOCRATIC DISCIPLINE

Who's the Boss?
The key is in the distribution of power in the family. The oft-asked question, "who is the boss here?" is best answered, "There is no boss; we are self-regulating; this is a democratically-run household."

Our country was founded on the principle that people have a right to a fair share of power in the decisions that govern them. Yet it is a rare family that operates on a democratic basis. Some believe they are, saying, "I listen to their input, then decide what is best for them." But that is not democracy, that is benevolent dictatorship.

Too many families view the children as the not-so-loyal opposition, who, if management power were shared, would take over the asylum. Or the inmates would overpower the warden. Such thinking lacks both an understanding of the democratic process, and trust in the fairness, the goodness, of other family members.

Children who are trusted and respected very quickly learn to accept the responsibility to comply with fair, agreed-to limits and, indeed, earnestly appreciate them.

One problem is that we Americans have contradicting values--some say hypocritical. We'll don a uniform and go to war to defend democracy, but come home to deny it to our children. Sad to say, most homes in America are run in autocratic/dictatorial fashion, in style a century ago in central Europe, but now grossly inappropriate and outdated for today's society.

Also to important consider: How can democracy survive where the young live under totalitarianism the first 18 years of their lives?

Sharing family decisions does more than make our country stronger. It makes for individual happiness by strengthening self-confidence, building self-reliance, and encouraging individual responsibility. It can be summed up in a word, Self-esteem. And that goes for the parents as well as the children.

Effects of Democratic Discipline (Self-Regulation) on the Self-Esteem of the Child:
The immediate effect of Democratic Discipline on a child is the feeling of responsibility and self-worth.

1. It raises children's self-respect; their views have real power-sharing status

2. With self-respect comes respect for others' rights, views and feelings

3. Appreciation of others' viewpoints broadens & increases fair-mindedness and cooperation

4. Empowerment comes from having a measure of control over one's own life

5. Responsibility for one's decisions grows as a result

6. Self-discipline strengthens, as it must in a democracy

7. Respect for legitimate authority in-creases, the recognition of the need for society's regulations

8. Diminished need for youthful rebel-lion results when self-regulation is a factor

9. Less aggression and violence, brings more emotional stability, less conflict

10 Less resentment, depression, mental illness, physical and mental illness and crime are among the benefits to individuals and society.

SELF-ESTEEM FOR PARENTS

Every parent has an obligation--to their family as well as to themselves--to work daily at raising their own feelings of self-worth. Our job is not to lavish praise on the children, or dream dreams of grandeur, but to develop more appreciation for self and other family members.

A. S. Neill said, "No happy parent ever punished a child. No happy child ever required punishing." Nothing is more supportive of happiness than healthy feelings of self-worth. It is as essential for emotional wellbeing as oxygen is for physical maintenance.

The key to successful parenting is helping children grow in self-appreciation.

Although parental demands to be a different person are unreasonable, a child does not question it. The parent is all-knowing. The child only feels terrible at his/her own inadequacy to "measure up" to expectations.

The child's self-assessment is much determined by how early an age and how speedily the demands to change are made. As we look inside ourselves we may see that some of our expectations and demands come from our craving to satisfy our own unmet childhood needs.

The parent is the child's mirror. The child says, "I must build my self-concept, my identity, from what I see, what I hear, and by the ways I am treated."

The quickest and easiest way to grow family self-esteem, cooperation and harmony is to stop all punishing at once, and hold regular family meetings in which to work out rules all can agree to.

To let children be who they are, and to grow through behavioral changes, that is discipline. It is self-management. The real challenge for parents is, instead of striving to change the children into people they are not, to find the inner wisdom and strength to change themselves.

yes carolinagirl, there is always hope for alittle one's ego. Just love them and do for them the best you can

Andi

I recently had some experience with this myself.  I was on the kids one for day for their endless bickering, when my 12 year old flat out told me that maybe they were fighting so much because I was stressing them out yelling at them so much.  I was speechless.  So I sat down with my girls and we had a nice little chat.  My 12 year old pretty much did the talking, but my 9 year old backed her up.  I was yelling all the time and hadn't even realized it.  I learned that day to listen to myself more, and am getting better. 

I can certainly relate to not having help. Technically, I'm a single parent only about 5 months out of the year, while H is on deployment.  However, he had reached the point in his drinking where he was gone when he was home, so I came to think of myself as a single parent almost all the time.  It is hard to do it without being angry, but I always told myself I had a choice and I could have chosen to leave him, but I chose to stay.  I will be honest here and say that one part of that decision was always income.  I can feel like a single parent and still have his income or I can really be a single parent and live on just mine.  Kinda shitty, but reality is reality. 

Anyway, I'm sure if you sit down with your kids and talk through some of this, things will look up.  Good luck.