The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been on this post board for a, I think, a week (or maybe a little longer)... I have had some really bad days and then I have had some okay days... though I think today is a blah day for me. I guess today I just want to reflect on the condition of my life at this moment...
I received a wonderful response to one of my "bad day" posts that really got me thinking... or rather doing... LIVE FOR ME... image that, a simple concept, yet so flippin difficult! Though I must tell you that in these last few days I have been living for ME (and my son of course, but that's a given, right!) I have come home after work, knowing my 'A' will NOT be home, because he is unemployeed and this has opened more time in his schedule for his friends and the bottle. () Anywho... normally I would blow up his cell phone until he answered and then lay into him... but these last few days I have not called him and I have spent some really great nights with my son (though, I do feel a little guilty, becasue to be honest I have actually enjoyed my evenings without my 'A' ) I went last night to apply for a 2nd job at a craft store and felt really good about actually doing something for me... sounds weird that getting a 2nd job would make me feel good, but to me it is one step in the direction of taking care of ME ... something I have not been doing for the last 5 years of my life... I live with an 'A' and as you all know... life is about them at all times if you let it be, and well I was letting it be!
I think the most difficult part of living for me is living without him... not physically without him, but without him involved. I hate it... I hate every minute of it... but I am tired of living for him and making sure he has everything he needs and planning my life around him. I have threatened my 'A' before that I am going to start living my life and stop taking care of his... well in the past they were empty threats, but now... I am determined to enjoy the holidays with or without him. Shoot, I am determined to enjoy my life with or without him. I have always wanted to take a few art classes, which I am going to do... I have no friends becasue of my 'A'... not because of his drinking but becasue my friends were either closet lesbians (who I was messing around with) or they were "sluts" and I was out messing around with other guys with them... everytime I would have plans to go out with my girlfriends he would start a fight and then I would end up calling my friends to cancel (at that time is was so much easier) So he pretty much isolated me, NO... I take that back... I allowed him to isolate me (this is my side of the street - not his). So now, I am determined to do activities that will put me in situations where I can meet new people and surround myself with friends! (Hence, Al-Anon though I have yet to get to a f2f meeting, uuuuggghhhh!)
I think a lot of my determination this time is that I am so flippin tired of being unhappy and feeling unfulfilled. I love my 'A' but at this point I am not happy with my life or him... it is almost to the point that I hope and pray on my way home after work that he will NOT be there so I can actually enjoy my evening and my son, because when he is around it has to be about him and all attention must be on him! I love him but I have this desire inside my heart to distance myself from him in all ways... my heart hurts every day and I am tired of the pain... I do not want to leave him at this point (we are not married) but my thought is if he is going to live this seperate life from his "family" and choose his buddies and his bottle over what has been a constant in his life these past 5 years, then why do I have share my life with him? I do not know, I think this is more than likely one of the issues I need to address for me, right? Why stay when all I do is hurt... ????????????
My 'A' is a good guy when he pulls his head out for a minute to actually think (though these days it is few and far between), I am scared to loose him, why????? I almost think my fear stems from my fear of once he is out of my life what do I do? I have been caring for my son (my son for 8 years) and him for the last 5 years and I have lost myself in the process... in my mind I am nothing without my 'A' and my son... I have planned my life around them, every thought is for them, every choice and every action I make is about them... I think this is why I HAVE TO start working on me, living for me... if I don't do it now I know I will get stuck and then I will be 80 asking myself what did I do in my life that was meaningful?????
I guess in all this, in all this determination, I am hoping that my 'A' will see that I am actually doing things without him and not assuming he will want to take part, maybe... (isn't that always the case, maybe...). I hoping he will grab me and kiss me and tell me he is sorry and he will do whatever it takes to make me and my son happy and that all he wants to do is hang with his family... though I have a feeling this is a dream that will never become reality... though, I hope it does
It sounds as if you are on the right path as far as reinventing your life. There's no longer a reason to "take care" of your A, he's a grown man. When we live for other people we surely do lose ourselves. Alanon suggests not making any drastic changes for 6 months (like leaving). This is because if you attend meetings and work the steps your life changes drastically. Sometimes we can have both worlds. You may want to stay with your A but it will be on your terms, not his. After all, it is their terms and our ability to get sucked in that makes us so miserable.
If he is absent when you get home it's a great opportunity to work on you :) You don't need to make any decisions today.
Take care (and get to a few meetings)
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I can definitely understand the desire to be free. I can also understand that the process is not an easy one. Good for you to be willing to look at this very painful material.
Take it slow, Messy. Do something everyday in Alanon. Come here, read, listen, go to a face to face meeting soon. Every day one step at a time, keep coming back. Little by little you'll start getting "you" back. It's not dramatic, chaotic, what do they say, conflama (conflict and drama), cos that's not Alanon. It sounds like you are in a position to learn in Alanon - take advantage of the semi-peaceful time you have. Alcoholism is a progressive disease - that means it gets worse - doesn't stay the same.
) Anywho... normally I would blow up his cell phone until he answered and then lay into him... but these last few days I have not called him and I have spent some really great nights with my son (though, I do feel a little guilty, becasue to be honest I have actually enjoyed my evenings without my 'A' 
) I went last night to apply for a 2nd job at a craft store and felt really good about actually doing something for me... sounds weird that getting a 2nd job would make me feel good, but to me it is one step in the direction of taking care of ME 
... something I have not been doing for the last 5 years of my life... I live with an 'A' and as you all know... life is about them at all times if you let it be, and well I was letting it be! 
