The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I really needed my f2f meeting tonight but it started snowing. I spent some time over Thanksgiving with my AHsober. My mom invited us to her house for turkey dinner. I told her we both didn't have to come because it seems we are making everyone uncomfortable. I called my H and he said he would go but he was golfing first. I said I could go in early and golf with him. He screamed that he didn't want to golf with me. Oh well, Nancy, set your boundaries. He speaks in double talk so I made it real clear what my expectations were. Eat at Mom's, work on our son's car, etc. I asked him if he wanted to go to a movie with me. He said ok. He then said that we could go back and stay at his place so we could take our son's car in early. I told him that I was feeling like I was getting sick. Interesting because he has never invited me to stay or stop by in this past year. The next day he is on his cell phone making all these plans for the day. I confronted him and said we made a deal to spend time together and work on getting our son's car fixed. He said that he never made a deal. I told him either get off the cell phone or I am going home. So he didn't take any more calls the rest of the day.
When I came home, I reread that pamphlet called the "Dry Drunk Syndrome". My eyes became wide open. It just describes my AHsober to a tie. Self centered, impulsive, grandiose, etc. I am coming to see that the man that I have been dealing with this last year is not my H but the disease. He is a man on the run from what I don't know. He just pulled this geographic last year and is evidently planning the next one. He wants to take a leave of absence and move to another town. I was able to pull myself out of the insanity for a moment and say to myself that my H is in a full blown dry drunk. For my H, as it says in the pamphlet, the sugar is too sweet and the doughnut is too round. He doesn't work a program.
At first it scared the crap out of me, thinking that this man is going to drag us both down. Then I thought that I need to take charge of what life I have left. I spent Sunday chainsawing more wood. Yes, that was Nancy out there chainsawing. This is progress that I have figures out how to use it. I spent the rest of the day going thru my finances and thinking that I really need to know what it will take for me to live on my own. It makes my so very sad because I still love my H and I miss him so much. But I don't think he is unconscious, he is so into his disease. And saying that I know I am in my disease but I do want to save myself. Hope this all makes sense.
Sounds to me like you need a break from your thoughts. Perhaps it would be good to remember what you can control... you. (((Nancy))) Embrace today, embrace tomorrow. Keep a smile on your face, you are loved.
c
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Sometimes I wonder whether or not my AHsober will turn into that dry drunk. I see glimpes of it and it bothers me. But I have to remind myself that he is getting counceling and changing. What he is changing into I'm not always sure. But the I am changing too, and I definitely don't know about me!
All I can do is take it ODAT and keep working on me. I found myself projecting way too much at work last night, and of course it got me into trouble. Maybe I need to go back and rework the steps again. Anyway today I am putting the rest of the fall things away and starting to get my Christmas decorations out. Do what you have to to be extra good to yourself.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
P.S. I did hear a buzzing in my ears and thought it was a fly. Glad to know it was you near by!
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I am sorry--I was so happy when my husband stopped drinking I thought everything would be fine--work itself into a "normal" life you know. But the first time he quit drinking he was definitely DRY! He was still no fun to be around, everybody was still on eggshells--and we didn't have the alcohol to blame it on anymore---but it was the disease!!
It does sound like you are doing some good things for you--looking at your finances (not fun stuff mind you, but good stuff!!!). I have done that time and time again. I am always going to try to get my mind on it this time--just in case! I do wish you luck. Try to do something fun/nice for yourself too!
Just keep working your program and although the dreams we had of what life was going to be or supposed to be like may not come true in the end we will see that what we ended up with was greater than we could have dreamed for in the first place. That's what I'm hoping for!!! If I can really work this program I will learn to be happy in spite of whatever comes my way--I will no longer be controlled by others or the crazy negative thoughts in my head! I hope that for everyone here!!!
Good for you in recognizing that your AH still has the disease A'ism. He always will. Being "dry" I find is a very difficult place for the A to be in. They know that alcohol has caused a great deal of chaos and turmoil in their lives, but still have not accepted their Powerlessness over the disease. In my experience I have learned that my A has felt accepting he is powerless over the disease means to him that he's weak. Those old A behaviors still creep in... sometimes on a daily basis. Using my program tools has helped me to identify when he's reverting back to "old behavior" and when he's using some skills that he's learned over the last year. When he uses his skills I can reason with him. He can see the brighter side to the problem, he can problem solve easier. He doesn't feel victimized... he takes ownership over his stuff. I love those conversations and spending time with him when he's able to do that.
He has days that he drifts back into being a "victim"... he feels I'm against him, not giving him what he wants. He begins to try and manipulate me with anger, or hurtful statements.. usually all or nothing statements that I know deep down are not true. Some days I let it hurt me and get caught into his cycle of stinking thinking and begin to defend myself. That is not pretty... usually ends up with me saying something very hurtful and scathing back. I still have those days but they are becoming fewer and farther between. When I'm able to use my skills and he begins that "old behavior" I detach. I might say... I hate that you feel that way or I feel sad to hear you say that. Then I try to busy myself with something else. Separating the A from the man will be something I will have to do for the rest of our lives. This disease can creep up on anyone, even the most sober active AA members can have a bad day. They're just better at recognizing it when it happens. Your A will work his recovery as he sees fit. He may not be ready for program right now, but it does not mean he will never be ready. The important thing to remember is that you have program and you have the ability to take care of you. Thank you for sharing your recovery with us... it gives others a chance to work on their recovery too.
Peace,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
The A I live with can be the ultimate victim. My issue is that I can be too. I can fly into over reaction in a second. To detach from him is such work but to detach from so many things is so much work. I have much to detach from looking for work that is better paid, working enough, paying bills, taking care of me, finding my way through the morass. I have to work super hard not to spend time around the A. I can go into defending myself and getting my point across in a second and I know where that gets me, he just goes off in full tantrum and who needs that. I have had enough tantrums for a lifetime.
I've lived with and been around many a dry drunk. My younger sister is an alcoholic. I think before she ever became an alcoholic she was in a dry drunk. She had reason to be we were in an incredibly dysfunctional family.
I have to put the focus back on me all the time. When I am trying to control the A I am lost. He is out of control 24/7 sometimes more than others. Right now he has a speeding ticket he probably won't pay it then he will be arrested and then he will be on another huge pity pot about it. He doesn't feel any rules apply to him. Life has to be all his way or else he tantrums.
I can go into my own version of this too. I can go into extreme states of depression and pity about what is not in my control. Being gracious is sometimes not in my vocabulary. I can also go into real rage and envy states. I try not to anymore but they are right there beneath the surface. That's one reason being busy is so so so key for me.
