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Today at my f2f meeting I had an experience that has made me very uneasy. It's been almost 6 hrs ago and I'm still thinking about it.
I've been going to this particular f2f meeting for three years and am the treasurer for the group. I love this group. It's a lunch time meeting and it fits my schedule. When I came in today, my load was heavy but I got to work, setting up tables, literature, etc. I said hello to everyone but didn't have it in me for small talk and couldn't wait for the meeting. It was a great meeting on Hope. At the end of the meeting I talked with several of the ladies that know my situation and they were wonderful.
So what's the problem? We have several men in our group. One reason it is such a great group is that we do have men, mothers, wives, and children of A's and several double winners. Augh. Okay, so when I came in there is a fellow who I've know for a year, great guy, he stops and chats for a sec. After the meeting, he comes up to me and a few of the ladies and proceeds to tell me how great I look, not only great but better than he's ever seen me. He went on about this. I really was feeling odd -- I mean I felt like crap, couldn't find my hair brush before I left the house and had been up since 5 a.m. He goes on to say, If I weren't married..... then again of how great I looked. I tried to move away to talk to the others. He hung back. I have never been made to feel this way by this guy, he's never ever said anything like this to me before. I ended up putting away stuff and was one of the last to leave, he came up to me and said something to the affect that he hoped he didn't make me feel uncomfortable -- an apology?-- but it was like he just wanted to touch me. It was soooo weird, I made out like it was nothing. But it was, I actually used a side door to leave so that I wouldn't have to walk out the same way as him, and it's still bugging me.
This fellow is a double winner. He has said things in meeting that have really helped me in my program. He is honest -- blunt as a matter of fact. I appreciate him and what he brings to our group. I just don't know what to do with this. I don't feel like I can talk with my sponsor about this...I'm afraid of what she would say or wouldn't say...I don't know.
Anyhow, any input here is appreciated. I don't want to give this meeting up, and you may think even the idea of giving up my home group over this is silly but for me it's not. I've always been the type to make things that are a big deal little and down play them (not the other way around) So just for me to say this isn't right is an improvement for me. Only I'm saying it to you and I don't know how to handle that w/ him.
If it were me, and it happened again, I would just tell the person that that kind of attention showed to me made me uncomfortable and that I would rather keep the "personal" nature out of the relationship in the future. Simple as that.
I might not even wait for it to happen again, but rather, approach the person at the next safe opportunity and tell them how I felt.
Hello Luna , u know that thing u really don't want to do >? talk to your sponsor ? do it. why would u be afraid of what she may think or do , u havent done anything wrong . I suspect the gentleman was just trying to give u a compliment but as usual went overboard .
As it made u uncomfortable perhaps taking him aside and telling him one on one how u felt will make u feel better or as David suggested perhaps wait and see if it happens again to address it. Can u assume it was meant in the best of intentions accept the compliment and let it go ?
Perhaps u were feeling a little vulnerable to day Call your sponsor Luna this mans behavior is no reflection on you. (hugs)
Sounds to me like he was testing the waters. I would take the next opportunity to make it very clear that you are not interested. Just ask straight out and if he says he is making advances let him know you're not interested. If he says he isn't let him know anyway.
Since my AHsober has moved out I have had similar weird advance type things happen. I am not a spring chicken by any means. It makes me feel really uncomfortable. Everyone who goes to meetings should have very strong boundaries. We are all vulnerable dealing with our situations and our A's. And we reveal alot at meetings. Some people may misinterpret what we say in that we are needy. I think that you just need to tell him.
I would hope that you would be able to talk to your sponsor about anything w/o fear of it being repeated. Having said that I agree with Nancy, tell him it makes you uncomfortable. Set a clear boundary for him. I hope this person in not a 13 stepper. That would be unfortunate seeing as he's helped you in the past. I wouldn't give up the group so fast unless it continues.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Seems that I didn't take this the wrong way. I didn't want to discuss this with my sponsor because I worried about whether my feelings on this would be played down. I also worried because I didn't want it played up either. It's rare that there are "problems" in our group, but we have had them and they have worked out -- only I didn't want to be the one saying I have a problem. So much easier to ignore it -- only this time I just couldn't.
Anyhow, I did call my sponsor late last night. I expressed how I felt and she seemed to pick right up on this and it threw me because I thought I don't want to cause problems or stir up stuff -- I just need to know how to handle this. I really felt uneasy with how my sponsor reacted. Since this is a lunch time group, anyone who can go to lunch after the meeting gets together and it's like having a meeting after a meeting, lol. Well, it seems this fellow continued with dicussing me and how I looked (including a comment about my arse) over lunch. My sponsor would have never told me this but did so to let me know that what I was feeling was real and that it could be and should be handled.
So anyhow, I feel validated and my sponsor has given me the courage not to back down and as Barnie Fife would say "Nip, nip, nip it in the bud." LOL
Thank you all for giving me the courage to speak up, this is one area that I need to work on.
