The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Here I go again back down into a small slump. I'm not exactly sure why since my AH is being nice and we are getting along fine now. Of course that's because we are not actually living under the same roof. But he comes over every day to visit, calls at least once a day, and makes sure stuff is working around the house, and leaves with a kiss. But sometimes I feel funny about him. I think it's all about alcoholic stuff and behavior that goes with it. I should be thankful he's not drinking (I am!) but there still are times when I can't easily get my mind off the embarrasment he caused when he did drink. It comes back to haunt me once in a while. I like to think that I rose above the comments of other people or what I thought they might be thinking about me because of his awful behavior. It's funny how he could go out and do the things he did yet still be seen as the nice guy to people while they looked at me with a "what's her problem" attitude because I'm with him. But, to be honest, I wanted to go hide from them because I was so embarrassed. I put up a front to act like I was doing good when I knew they were wondering why I stayed with him so long. But people would always feel sorry for him because of the way he was and there I was pissed at him and them and felt hurt and ashamed that I could be in this. More often than not, though, I think I do better these days. Now I'm not sure what he wants. He goes to meetings every week and is almost like a sober husband again. I'm still his wife and he's still my husband but I'm not quizzing him right now about anything. I don't, however, want to go on for years like this. Maybe we'll get somewhere before long. Maybe not. I do know that he keeps in touch with an old girlfriend (he doesn't know I know) which bothers me but I can't bring that up right now because when I have before he gets mad and asks me what is my problem. It may very well be that they are just friends but maybe not. I don't know. Then again, I wonder why that friendship would bother me when my sister is best friends with her husband's ex-wife! Insecurity I suppose. But it is embarrassing to me to know this. And I am embarrassed still by some of his stupid behavior even though sober.And I wonder how you trust someone who. in true alcoholic form, who could lie about everything under the sun. That's the other embarrassment. He'd lie about things to me while others knew the truth before I did. I mean people knew he lied to me but they wouldn't say anything. I'd feel like crawling under a rock when I'd find he had lied (and he'd still deny lying!). I feel like others were thinking "you know he's an alcoholic so you asked for it". I'm trying to keep the 3 C's in my mind but sometimes it's hard......jaja
Well, first things first--People don't think about me so much as I think about them. I recall, quite vividly, the day a young girl vomited in Sam's club. Do you think people were watching her parents? Listening to the music? No, people were watching her puke. People were worried about her. Thinking "Poor thing."
Now, having said that, it's really no one's business what goes on b/t you and your husband. Gotta tell you, as much as I love PEOPLE magazine, in the observation of Rabbi Feinstien, it's a magazine about misery: people who make egregious amounts of money, who can't keep their family together, who can't seem to spend 5 minutes WITH their family to save their life, who can't seem to have one loving MINUTE with THEMSELVES.... I mean, yikes! How awful! And yet, I gobble it up! Why? Because I LOVE knowing I'm not the only one with highs and lows in my life. I feel HUGE waves of relief knowing that people who make $10 mill a year have dysfunctional families.
But is it any of my business? NO. Have you ever noticed how often the magazine quotes "a source close to..."? It's because it's no one's business! No one needs to know! No one needs to really understand or worry about what exactly is going on day to day with these people, you and your husband included. I can honestly count on 1 hand the amount of people who know, and I mean KNOW what's going on in my life--my sponsor, a sponsorship sister, and my councelor. Do you think they wait eagerly by the phone for "as the world turns according to Tiger?" NO! They have lives too! Whenever I'm on the phone with them, we talk about THEM too!
So, if you need to be self conscious, go shopping. Get new clothes. A hair job. Manicure. Make em SWEAT when they see you. You are a child of god. I promise you, you're thinking more than they are.
I too like to watch "Jerry" just to see that there is craziness out there greater than my own. OR sometimes.... the same as my own but just not so public!
