The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today I went on a wonderful power walk, on my usual route. I often see this girl I know from AA (she's also at my Alanon meetings) around the lake where I walk. I'll call her "E" for the sake of this post, so as not to break her anonymity.
E usually walks along with me whenever we see each other, and we usually talk. I love her dearly, we have become really good friends, and she understands this whole AA/Alanon thing. She is not married, but is seeing another A, and neither of them have any children (they both are in their early 20's).
Sometimes if I say something in our conversation, about my daughter or husband, or whatever, she feels the need to try to analyze whatever it is I talk about. For example, she tries to tell me that I should really do this or that THIS way instead of what I'm doing. She asks me, what's your part in it? I understand having to identify what part I played in all the mess that's happened in my life ~ I have learned that in Alanon. But the thing that kind of got to me this morning was her telling me that I had a part in something that we were talking about, of which she knew NOTHING. It was about my relationship with my ex-husband.
My life with my ex-husband, not an A, but with an A's behavior, has been very strange. He was very controlling, manipulating, and even does that to our daughter. He took me to court to have equal custody, after many years of me having primary custody. The equal custody part would have meant that I would have had to drive her to school, a school he wanted her to attend so she'd be nearer to him. Since we were out of that school's zone, there was no bus to come and pick her up. It eventually became a court order that she go there, because he and his attorney had been in good favor with the judge, and the judge wanted to give him what he wanted. Anyway, the long of it, lol, is that I followed the law to be the parent I had to be to her, even though it wasn't in her best interest emotionally. I had that "gut" feeling that it wasn't going to work the way my daughter thought it would, but I had to let her experience it to find out. About 2 years into the swapping homes every week, she eventually found out...and wanted to live back with me full time.
Because of her decision, her dad said to her that if she didn't want to live with him anymore, my husband could just adopt her and he wouldn't be her dad anymore. The stepmom has also told my daughter that it's not a family when my daughter is there, it's a family when the stepmom, daughter's dad, and their new daughter are there without my daughter. They have told her hateful things, how she put the new daughter's life in danger (she was very ill when she was born, with a birth defect as well) when she came over sick (I had called him earlier and told him she didn't need to come over there as she was sick, and he ADAMANTLY told me that she would be fine, she was still going to come over to his house). I have had to help clean up all the gunk they put into my daughter's early-teenage mind ~ a teenager who desperately needed her dad's attention, but was unable to get it.
There's sooooooooooo much more to this than meets the eye, but I won't list it all. Anytime I would give my daughter consequences for her unacceptable behavior, her dad would turn around and have me served with papers saying he wanted full custody and that I was an unfit parent. I'm not talking about physical abuse...I knew not to go there. I'm talking about disiplining or setting boundaries or grounding. I am not kidding about being served papers for being "an unfit parent". I had to fight that accusation, just because he wanted to cause me grief.
So, what's my part in it? I really can't see that I had a part in it, other than that I made the mistake of marrying the guy (and maybe not hiring a hit man to off him...j/k!). I was/am the only stability that my daughter had as a teenager. I was/am a strict but loving mom. I followed the law as I was told to do. I did what a loving mom would do in that situation with a pre-teen/teen child. I'm not trying to portray myself as a martyr of sorts, just needing to clarify in my mind and here in writing for myself that I had no part in all the chaos he caused. He caused chaos if I blinked, if I called his house more than once in a day to talk to her, if I let her wear such-and-such t-shirt to school, if I let her get her hair highlighted, didn't matter what it was. Still doesn't matter what it is. When he got married, they BOTH caused chaos in our lives. He married someone exactly like he was.
It's eased up a bit now since I try to avoid talking to them, but both my daughter and I never know what's around the corner. She even told me the other day that her dad's being nice to her, and she is wondering what he's up to.
What's my point in saying all of this? I guess it's to validate that I did the best I could, without having to tell E (remember, the girl walking with me on my walk...lol) all this and make it sound like I'm trying to justify my actions (rofl, which I am doing now...).
No, I'm not blind to my part in stuff that's happened in my life. I guess I want people to know that there are people like me who do play by the rules, only to get jerked around by someone over which they have no control.
Thanks for listening...I guess I just needed to vent. By the way, I walked with E for 3 miles, then had to do 2 more to get rid of the "resentment" (?) I was feeling.
I love you all, thanks again for listening! I'm sorry it was such a lonnnggggg post!
You just answered your own question. You were/are a great Mom. She's lucky to have you. As long as you know in your heart what your part was in your marriage then honestly you don't have to answer it to E. It may be her youngness showing in trying to analyze everything. I recall at that age we were still trying to prove ourselves to other people. If she brings it up again and it makes you feel uncomfortable tell her. You're a tactful woman (most of the time hehe), you can handle it.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I know a gentler, more affirmative way of saying "What is your role?" for me became "Who am I giving my power to?" I think what your friend, however well meaning, is trying to say is, "How are you giving your emotional power to your ex-husband? How much more power does someone who is already so toxic deserve in your life and in your daughter's?"
It took me a long time to get comfortable with that question, a lot of step work. When I finally realized that "giving away my power" was really my self sabatoging behavior, I also realized I was setting myself up for my "victim cycles"--fear, anger, resentment, self hatred, low self esteem, all the big stuff we talk about in meetings.
So, if you were to re play some of your conversations with your friend, how would you respond to the question "Where is your power source? Who is controlling your feelings? What were/are you thinking when this was being said?" I know when I was challenged with these questions, all of the sudden, I knew my role very very quickly!
First, I agree with the others you sound like an awesome Mom! She is lucky to have yoour stability.
Oh can I empathize with you - I;ve done this so often..find myself sharing with others only then to get angry at their advice/analysis/response. (even when I know their intentions are well meaning). This usually happens with my Mom. Now, I ask her if she'll just listen without comment as I really need to sort things out for me. Sometimes though I don't feel comfortable even with this, so the next right thing for me is.... just keep my mouth shut and I talk to and confide in a friend I know I feel comfortable with and/or my counselor.
Good luck to you. I hope nothing happens with the ex.
I really can't see that I had a part in it, other than that I made the mistake of marrying the guy (and maybe not hiring a hit man to off him...j/k!). I was/am the only stability that my daughter had as a teenager. I was/am a strict but loving mom. I followed the law as I was told to do. I did what a loving mom would do in that situation with a pre-teen/teen child. I'm not trying to portray myself as a martyr of sorts, just needing to clarify in my mind and here in writing for myself that I had no part in all the chaos he caused. He caused chaos if I blinked, if I called his house more than once in a day to talk to her, if I let her wear such-and-such t-shirt to school, if I let her get her hair highlighted, didn't matter what it was. Still doesn't matter what it is. When he got married, they BOTH caused chaos in our lives. He married someone exactly like he was. 
