The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was just reading over some of my posts from two weeks ago when my life was in turmoil. Am I so desperate for kindness that upon receiving just a little I forgive and forget all the hell I have been put thru. By the way he signed the papers for the house when he came for Thanksgiving! He stayed 2 nights and by the end I was dropping him off an hour away and getting stuff out of the truck. Spent the weekend cleaning (not that it didn't need to be done) and washing his stinky dirty clothes for him that we got from the truck. (Which was seriously damaged by the way)
Status Quo: He is checking out of his by the week motel today to go stay in the house that is for sale until it closes on Thursday. The truck is still in the impound. The check for the house requires BOTH signatures (as per his insistance). The protection order is good thru the 30th (the day we sign the papers and cash the check). I still have no one to hang out with here and he's my ONLY friend (with friends like that....). He was being very nice and agreeable when he came for Thanksgiving and I missed the "NICE" him. I'm torn about what to do about the kids. His son who will be 5 in 2 weeks misses him and wants to be around him and I feel guilty keeping him from him.
It's so easy to forget the HELL that you've been through. Sometimes I think... oh, it wasn't that bad. That's when I go back and read my old posts or go through my journal I was keeping through the worst times with my A. It reminds me of how horrible I felt, how terribly I was treated and disrespected. I find that an occasional glimpse of the painful past makes me happy for the direction my life is taking now. Sure, I'm living with my mother, in her basement... but my life is MY life now. Mostly predictable, mostly routine... and I'm starting to like it that way!
I'm not a parent, but I don't think that you should feel it's your fault that your son can't spend time with his father. His father has made some very bad choices in his life. So glad to hear that you were able to get him to sign the papers for the house.
Artygirl.
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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.
Of course there were good times, and of course he has good points. You wouldn't have fallen in love with him if he didn't. There'd REALLY be something wrong with us if we got so deeply involved with people who NEVER made us feel great! There is nothing wrong with loving an alcoholic - every one of us does. The problems come when we trust an A, when we rely on an A, when we make ourselves vulnerable to the insanity that comes with the territory. They can't be trusted, they can't be relied on, and we can't allow ourselves to depend on them - this is the nature of their disease. This does not mean that they are not worthy of being loved, and it does not mean that our love is somehow "tainted" or wrong. It is often not in our own best interests or those of our children to continue to have the A in our lives, but the love was not wasted, and was not wrong.
You are not being weak when you mourn the loss of something that was sometimes good - you are being human.
There's a technique called "playng the tape": any time you start to feel as if "Was it really...?" go throug the sequence of events. From my life:
I go back to dad's house. For the first 1 hr. 2 hrs, it's polite. Then, the "requests" start--to walk the dogs; to do the laundry; to run errands. Then he will go to his room, get high, pass out. He will come to some time during the night, become dangerous. This is when I will have gone to sleep and will not be all together. He will try to break into my bed room. He will pound the stairs, the table....
See how it works? I know EXACTLY what happens in that house. I've lived there! Nothing's changed! I've done the work! He hasn't! You were the one that pointed out trust is earned.
About attracting A's: generally speaking, because we as ACA's or co dependents have such adept abilities at "fixing" dysfuntional situations, people, feelings, et cet, we allow ourselves to get involved with people who trap THEMSELVES in dysfunction. We feel so empathetic to their cause we want to right it--certainly, we feel, we can right this wrong! We have the skills! And, to a certain extent, we do--it's just that, in the context of personal relationships, our "fixing" skills are about as effective as a flame thrower on kindling. That's where we encourage our members to do volunteer work in shelters, hospitals, et cetera--some capacity where they are "supervised" and "contained", thus challenging them to be accountable and to practice detachment for people who are pushing the "I can fix this!!" button. Your social worker skills are PERFECT here--finding a new job or something like that would be a PERFECT outlet for your "I can fix him!!" skills. PS--Have you talked to your sponsor about this!?!
Well yes, and I must say that these posts help so much because I can go back and see what I've written it's so much like journaling. I did journal for a while when it was really rough and I have that to look back on (she suggested journaling). I think it would be easier if I had friends. I used to know how to make friends but now it's so complicated. I guess I don't really have time for friends and everyone here seems to have theirs all picked out already and not need anymore.
I know I felt that way for a long time. I felt as if I was "on the outside looking..." I think for one thing the fact is that I had JUST moved there. That I was relatively new. That I wasn't comfortable with me in a lot of levels. I know I got comfortable with resolving this feelings as I worked the steps, as I got more involved in the program and as I started working with newcomers. I also listened to announcements--where were the BBQ's? when were the confrences? Who was going? I know totally the feeling of cliques. And, as always, I got involved in AA and al anon, doing whatever both sides of the rooms were doing--was there an anniversary lead some where? I'd go. Was there a function in another city? I'd pack a few friends in the car and go. And, I'd take the risk and share this in the meeting. "I don't feel like I have friends here" immediately called attn to this fact and, well, maybe a few more people reached out.
As in all things in life, it never hurts to ask for help.
true, but when you have to drag 3 kids around with you everywhere you go that complicates the situation a little. People don't usually have much of a tolerance for my kids they're wild when people visit because it's such a rarity.
