The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well… I really hate my life right now and my depression is growing! Thanksgiving was uneventful, thank goodness, but I did not get out of bed for 3 days. I did not want to face the world; thank goodness my son was with his “father” for the weekend (son’s father – this is another story in itself!) My “A” has no job and is not actively seeking for one… though he has lined up some jobs in the bars he frequents! (HA, HA!) Because of his current unemployment I will be looking for a seasonal 2nd job just to help provide a Christmas for my son… I am so depressed I even have to do this… actually I am ANGRY ()I have to get a 2nd job and depressed that I am going to have another hard and poopy Christmas holiday. I know that Christmas is about family, but when your family is up in arms how can you enjoy it? This weekend I was so seriously thinking of just getting up and walking away from everything and crawl into a hole. I want to talk to my “A” about this but that will just start a fight and at this point in the game I am so sick of fighting and crying and being angry… though what is the point of talking when all I will here is “ Honey, don’t get a second job, I promise it will be alright, I promise I will get a job in time for Christmas…” I promise, I promise, I promise… blah, blah, blah… I have heard this so many times before… I have even “believed” it and at the last minute, guess what NOTHING got better, NOTHING happened and NOTHING will this time. How can you begin to move on from the past when the past is still in your face? How can I “begin to trust” if all I thinkin the back of my head is he WILL let me down… I am always making the “plan B” without his knowledge because he has never ever come through on his promises!
UGGGHHHH… I want to scream, I want to kick, I want to punch… I just want to poof – disappear! I am loosing my mind and I have no clue how to keep a handle on my life right now. I am trying to “take care of me” and just let these things slide, but I am so angry and resentful right now I am not sure I am helping matters at this point. All I want is a nice holiday with my family, but at this point I am so embarrassed to be around my family because we are in such in a rut that I am having a hard time even putting food on my table for my son to eat. My mom wants to help out, but I refuse to let her… I know I am suffering but I can not allow her to help out and make things better when he is not even attempting to make things better for himself or his family. My mother even wants to fund my son’s Christmas but I will not let her and she is angry about it. I have been accepting my parents help all my life, I am 28 now (almost 29) and I am tired of asking for their help or swallowing my pride to take their help… as it is we owe them close to $2000.00 dollars right now and I have yet to even make an attempt to pay them back!
I am so tired of crying and worrying and hurting! At times I feel so numb and withdrawn… if only the people around me knew how close to the edge I am. I feel so alone at this point and I have no friends around home that I can confide in or talk to or cry to or gosh darn it get a hug from! I am trying to give my HP (God) the wheel and let him take control… but my heart is hurting so bad I want to puke… I just want to rip it out of my chest! Well… I am sure you have all be through these same emotions! Just had to get out of me before I exploded!
Take a deeeeeep breath and just know it will all come out ok in the end. It always does right? I hear your stress and feel your pain and just want you to know that I have been right there with you. It's hard not to want to rely on someone who in all rights you should be able to rely on! I find myself in that position as well, hoping he will come thru when he never does. I might have to be a little less comfortable so I can be a little more secure. It's not fair, but it's not the end of the world either. At least I don't have to live with him anymore! Keep your head up. It'll all work out in the end.
Welcome to MIP! You have come to the right place. Many of us know exactly where you are, but there is hope. You don't mention if you go to meetings or have any of the literature, but this program can help you regain your sanity.
It takes work but it is available for you. This program and this web site has truly saved my life.
One thing you mentioned was asking for help for you and your son. There is nothing wrong with accepting a little help now and again. If you owe your folks money and they are offering help, they must not feel bad about helping.
Keep coming back, do something for you that is relaxing. Eat well, and get plenty of rest. You owe it to yourself and your son to stay healthy.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
When I was growing up they taught us how to cross a road. STOP, LOOK AND LISTEN.
This rule could apply to your life Messy.
***STOP*** projecting into the future, getting into a tizzy about everything.
***LOOK*** At you, and what you need to do to get yourself back on track.
**LISTEN** To your heart, and your head, Do what's good for YOU, not him.
It takes time to come Into this programme and see changes, to see a way out, but It saved my life. I was in that hole you are talking about for so long. I never thought or wanted to escape from It.
Hey christmas Is one day okay, you got kids I understand. But your gonna give yourself a nervous breakdown. So remember Messy, YOU are what's Important here, not anyone else.
If you want a second job and and are able to do It and It works with your daily routine you do it. But don't do It If it's gonna kill you.
Keep comming back, come join us In the chat room, OMG you need us. (lol)
In my opinion, your answer is to get actively involved in Alanon. There you can find the help that you need as well as to make some friends who will share with you. I find when I "get connected," I feel so much better and a lot less overwhelmed. This is a great place for you to get started! Keep coming back and when you have a chance, try our online chat room. You can attend online meetings without even having to leave your home. Good luck Messy. We hope to see you around!
I agree, there is nothing wrong with accepting help, if it will help you keep your sanity. Sure, you want your man to be there for you so you don't have to go to your parents, but that's just not reality. As you have learned, it's crazy to depend on someone undependable. Much better to have a different path to go on.
I found that I was always better the less I dwelt on what was 'supposed' to be. If I stopped wishing and hoping for my A husband to be the home-for-supper, decorating-the-Christmas-tree, sledding-with-the-kids kind of husband that my own dad had been, I could open up to the things that he WAS - funny, warm, gentle....The more I stopped being angry at him for not being what I thought he "should" be, the more he opened up and let his good points show through. Life gets better for everyone.
There are a lot of things you can do to make a good Christmas for your son that don't cost much - bundle up after dark to walk the neighbourhood to see the lights, bake cookies, sing carols, read Christmas books from the library (even if he is too old for you to usually read to him). I don't know how old your son is, but my kids always remember the cuddling up on the couch to watch "A Christmas Story" together with a big bowl of popcorn more than they remember the presents they got. The advantae of this sort of thing is that you have to focus and work on it, which takes the focus off the A for a change, and puts it on you and your son, where it belongs. If the A is there and sober and wants to be part of things, great. If he isn't, who cares. He's the one missing the fun.
I think I may have told this story last Christmas, but I'll tell it again. Last year, my (now four years sober) husband walked through the kitchen while the kids and I were decorating Christmas cookies, in our usual high hilarity. "Looks like this is becoming a tradition" he said. Now, my kids are 17 and 14. We have been doing a several day, cookie making and decorating marathon every Christmas since the oldest was two. Friends and cousins have joined in - some years there were a half dozen kids around the table. Every year since he was about ten, my son says that he doesn't think he''ll join in this year, and every year he can't resist once we get going. It's one of the high points of the season for us, and has been for 15 years. Any my husband is just noticing that we do this, now. In one way, this makes me so sad, for everything that this symbolizes - everything that he missed out on while his kids were growing up. But, in another way, I am so happy that I didn't let his lack of participation stop the fun - my kids have a thousand happy memories of Christmas cookies, because I didn't worry about what "should" be happening, but instead made the best of what was.
) Pray for me... I need it! 
