The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This weekend two of my four children told me that my attendance at Alaon meetings was not helping. I told them it was helping me cope but unfortunately they see their father getting worse. My oldest went so far as to say he didn’t believe in that sh--. He thinks we need marriage counseling. He also didn’t understand why I went shopping all day by myself even though his father had been out the night before. I know they are confused and alarmed but I feel like they are beating up on me.
How well was whatever you were doing before working, for all of you? Many people think that alanon will help the A get sober, but it just doesn't work that way. Alanon is for us, so the A doesn't drag us down with him.
Your kids may feel that now you have stopped trying to save your husband, it will all be up to them, and they're naturally worried. If you can get them to do some reading, and find out something about the disease, it would help. Many younger people are resistant to alanon, so it may work better if you give your son some AA literature - the stories in the back of the Big Book are very enlightening. Alcoholic after alcoholic saying "When my life got too horrible for me to pretend anymore, when I was sick and tired of being sick and tired, I got better". NONE of them saying "When my wife eased up on me, I got better". It might sink in.
I am so sorry to hear that. I don't know how old your children are, but the phrase "hurt people hurt people" applies to them too. They may not understand everything they are seeing, or perhaps they are just not willing to realize what it means to you, but in time they will.
My oldest (21) reacted that way when my AW told him I was going to meetings and that upset her. He reportedly asked what was that Sh*t about? She was so happy to relay the message, and I told her that he could come ask me if he wanted to know. I am not keeping any secrets, just not running around blurting out what I am doing.
I also told her that I am not doing it to hurt anyone else, and if he disapproves ... that's ok with me. He is entitled to his opinion.
One of the biggest problems I "still" have is recognizing when other people's opinion is none of my business. That goes for my kids too.
Rest assured, my kids are seeing my AW slide downhill in a hurry and they are scared for her, and defend her some, but in the long run they will understand. I have had many discussions with my HP about it... he's convinced me. <wink>
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
My daughter too hates alanon. I don't talk to her about it, I just go because it helps me.
I am not one of those people thinks that EVERYONE living with an A needs alanon. I know quite a few people who live with alcoholics who are balanced, healthy, and happy people and never heard of Alanon. Granted their alcholics are high functioning, but alcoholics nonetheless.
I often wonder what their secret is...why they instinctively know not to enable, not to get mired down in despair, how to detach, how to move on with their lives...but they do.
I am still amazed how friends who know nothing about alcholism and AA and Alanon actually sort of "quote" Alanon to me instinctively. I shared just a little of my life with a friend, she said "That does not mean that YOU can't go on with your plans for yourself and ignore him, don't let him stop you from living". She did not talk about him, or "helping" him at all, she focused only on me and supporting my plans for myself. Some "sick" people hear about some of my problems and begin to ask me what I am "doing about him", sigh...now THEY need alanon!
I can see why some people get the wrong impression of Alanon, I know I did for many years. I shudder when people say they are grateful to have alcoholics in their lives so they "can" attend Alanon. I know they mean that they never had spirituality in their lives and are grateful to find it through Alanon...but there are other avenues to spirituality, that don't need someone to suffer from the horrible effects of alcholism to get them there.
Perhaps my ESH can help you. I simply "take care of me" and don't open it up to discussion in my family. If my daughter knows I go to alanon, she has not let on. We simply don't discuss it. I don't practice "group think" in my family. I put my family first and when I have free time I spend it how I choose, I don't ask their opinion, or consult with them how I spend it. Since I so unselfishly put them first, and my "free time" so scarce, they don't dare criticize me for it, and if they thought about it, they know it would not be received well so don't bother.
Perhaps you can be more discreet about attending alanon and no longer discuss with your children how YOU should handle your personal problems. My daughter has neither the right, nor the invitation to give me her opinion on my personal life, and if she tried, I would definately put her in her place about the inappropriateness of such presumptiousness.
Parents should be the ones in charge.
If my daughter ever criticized a shopping trip that I did...it better be because she was writing the checks, LOL.
Just remember, take care of you, and you will get plenty of support here to do that. If Alanon is helping YOU then it IS helping the family, even if it not affecting the alcoholic. Remember, Alanon is for US, it is not an indirect program of sobriety for the alcoholic.
Much Love to you...being a parent is never an easy job, even under the best of circumstances...with an alcholic, it is even harder if that is even possible.
What I'm actually hearing from your children is that they're hurting. That they see a bunch of strangers in the rooms talking in self piteous tones, about things they can't change, about people they love that won't do what they want, about a situation that, in some very significant ways to your children is VASTLY different from them.
It's not as hard to grasp as you think. Kids don't know how to make the connection that our loved ones blow the bank account on a night at the bar--->no money for groceries; our loved ones wrap their vehicles around a tree--->one less insured driver in the family; our loved ones abuse their bodies for years on end--->stratospheric medical bills, all stuff that was PREVENTABLE illnesses. See, none of this is relavant to a teenager, an adolescant.
What is, then? "So, I had a hockey game last Saturday. District play offs. My Dad SWORE he was gonna be there...I kept looking for him all night...he never showed..." "So, I told my dad that our basket ball team was playing for the confrence trophy, BIGGEST game of the year...he shows up drunk..." "It was parent/teacher confrences this week...My bio teach said she really wants to talk to my mom about my grade, she says I'm failing and I've got a bad attitude. I told mom about it, I asked her to come, but my teach says mom was a no show. She was probably at a bar..."
See, for kids, it's not "our" problem. It's "your" problem. It's "their" problem. Because living with themselves is such a HUGE problem (come on, you're gonna tell me that your teen age years were HONESTLY the best years of your life, with hormones, high schools, the hot guys and the popular girls?), asking them to deal with, in an adult way the family dysfunction of alcholism is totally out in left field. It's easier to stuff it. To ignore it. To act as if it just isn't happening. Whatever kinda attitude.
Not that this is totally bad. Some kids NEVER get to alateen--they do art; drama; track; tae kwon doe; whatever. They find coping skills. It's the ones that don't find coping skills that worry me. And that's the thesis of AlaTeen--the idea of "Hey, yo--we have drunks for parents too! We know what it's like to live in your skin, honest!"
Does that mean that every kid wants the solution? No. Does that mean that every kid can grasp the solution when it's offered? No. Does it mean that the solution should be offered anyway? Why not? Leave out some alateen lit. Leave out some stuff. Set the example. Offer rides to meetings (note offer does not have the same definition as nag).
And then...surrender. You've got a program to work too. You've got a self to nurture too. There are things you need to take care of yourself too. Your kids are capable. They may come across as complete incompetents, but teens are surprisingly resiliant. Give them the space and the ability to surprise you.
I am sorry about your children's feelings. Can you take them to the meetings or get them to go to Alateen? Maybe they need to hear from kids their age what is going on. You're in a tough spot, but don't stop your meetings. The more they see how healthy you are getting, a little may sink into them. Perhaps they are feeling overwhelmed by all of this.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
I found that my children defended my husband who they viewed as the injured parent in the beginning, yet I kept going anyway explaining this program was for me. I realized that they have enabling tendencies (some of which have been passed on down from me). People often have a natural tendency to resist change.
The below from Melody Beattie helps me when I doubt myself. I am a visual person.
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Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery
We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge, it is cold and dark. We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain. Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain. Some drank; some used other drugs. Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior. Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people’s pain to distract us from our own pain. Many of us did both: We developed an addictive behavior and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people. We did not know there was a bridge. We thought we were trapped on a cliff.
Then, some of us got lucky. Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: Warmth, light, and healing from our pain. We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.
We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn’t listen. They couldn’t see it; they couldn’t believe. They were not ready for the journey. We decided to go alone, because we believed and because people on the other side were cheering us onward. The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see and feel that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing and love. The other side was a better place.
But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side. Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done. No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge. Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right. Some will come; some will stay on the other side. The choice is not ours.
We can love them. We can wave to them. We can holler back and forth. We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us. But we cannot make them come over with us.
If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty. It is where we are meant to be. We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another’s time has not yet come.
The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place. And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
