The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am feeling very stuck on a situation that came to me on Sunday November 26th. I do not know if I am feeling jealous, scared, worried, frustrated or what.... Here is the story. my AH and I have been separated since August. When we separated I found out through his son, (my step son) that AH turned to his ex wife for support. I heard that they were getting close, maybe a little to close, so I thought in conversation. She knew everything that happened and how and why AH and I split. I evan found out that he wanted to move to the same province that she was living in, with their son(18).
After a month separation AH and I started to connect again and confessed our Love for one another. Since September he has been sober and the both of us are active in AA and Alanon. I confronted him on the topic of his ex wife. He assured me that he has no feelings for her and that he said to her that he was going to move closer to her at that time b/c he was messed up and maybe being closer to his son would help him through his situation. I can swallow that. I have come to accept that but still struggling with certain things.
I have noticed a change in hubby since he's quit drinking and I can see that he is working his program and keeping on track. I am too, but I am at a standstill with a question that came to me on Sunday from his daughter(21). The question was that she was having Christmas dinner at her house b/c her mom would be there from out of province and would her dad and I like to join them. I said "NO" b/c I would feel to uncomfortable around AH's ex wife. Now keep in mind that AH and I are still separated and he lives with daughter and grandson. I have always felt for years that hubby had feelings for his ex wife and his two kids were always trying to get their parents back together. He told me that it would not bother him if he was there for Christmas but it was up to me. Maybe I am seeing this wrong, I don't know. My mind is consumed with this and I don't know how to get past it with out feeling hurt, jealous,worried etc.... I know I have to let my Higher Power take over and I feel a little guilty for saying "NO" to my step daughter, but I am not ready to start haveing his ex in our lives when she does not need to be. There are definately times that I have to be around her such as birth of grandchildren, weddings, graduations, but do I need to be around her for holidays such as Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc....
I want to do the right thing. Maybe in time I will be able to accept AH's ex wife at occations but I am just not ready. I know a lot of other divorced couples do this.
Thanks for letting me vent. I'm just feeling stuck!
So sorry you feel a little stuck. Sounds to me like you have made a decission and now have second thoughts about it. I do that constantly to myself. I said it that way on purpose... "to myself".
When I make a decission based on how I feel or on my principals, I am trying very hard to stick to them. You have a right to your feelings, and that same right to go or not go.
I have almost never felt guilty "after" I stuck to my guns and did what I knew was right for me. It's always the period beforehand when I have the oportunity to back-track and change my mind... that's when all the feelings of wanting to please others over myself hit.
This is one of those Take what you like a leave the rest things. I am certainly not telling you that you should go or not. Just that we have the right to our opinions, even if they are unpopular. I forgot that along the way somewhere...
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I can sympathize with your feelings. I think you said it right, you should just turn all of these feelings over to your HP. Whatever has happened, has happened, in your husband's life. The ex was a part of that past life, and if they have kids, yes, you will always have to see her. I used to just get so upset and not very nice when my stepkid's mom came around (not too often - she had a substance abuse problem). But I realized that she was a person, just like me, and this relationship happened before my Husband and I met. They have two kids, and though AH and I raised them, she will always be around because she is their mother, and the kids do not resent her for not being there for them.
I found that letting go and really talking to her as a person healed all kinds of things. The kids were so happy to see us getting along. I actually felt so much better, and all of that jealousy left me. You are a good person, and if your husband is saying there is nothing happening, I would trust in your HP and just let this go. It is a horrible thing to not trust, but you can trust your HP in getting you through.
When my AH and I separated this year, he began talking to a woman all of the time up to a month ago. I was devastated. I could deal with a one night stand but they were actually talking 3-4 times a day for a long time. He insisted nothing happened but he was so drunk that anything could have happened, and I don't know what to believe. The point is, now he is sober, trying hard to repair things, and I am still so unsure, expecting the worst. All we can do is accept that they are truthful, keep on trusting that WE are good and good enough people, worry about where WE are in life.
The more I stay centered on what happened or what ifs I become so drained of energy and cannot enjoy where I am today. The more I concentrate on what I can do to improve my outlook and help others, the better off I am.
Just some suggestions, I know how suspicious and hurt feelings can consume you!
My prayers are with you and your AH today .... and your extended family....
