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I was thinking about this earlier. Thinking about my first marriage to an A and how easily I walked away and didn't look back no guilt, no shame, no bs. Then I developed "loyalty". So my question is do we become this way as a reaction to living in horriffic situations? OR... Do we attract these people and their chaos because of the way we are? (For those of us who pick significant others who are A's over and over)
I am leaning toward answer number one which then leads to answer number 2. We become this way as a reaction and then continue to attract them once we have become this way. I know I was different before I met the one I was "loyal" to and terrorized by.
What a good, thought provoking question. I don't have an answer just yet...but will think about it.
I, like you, married an A but was so easily able to leave him that I couldn't believe it. I never looked back. However, I became loyal to an emotionally immature man who crushed my pride and self esteem just as much as my ex A, although he wasn't physically abusive like the A. I've since dated alcoholics and just ended a 2.5 year relationship with an A, although he's been in recovery for a year now.
Each relationship, I though was so different, was so much the same!
I wonder, too. My first husband was an alcoholic as was his Dad and one of his brothers and one of his sisters. When we were first married we were what I call rather young and we both partied with our friends at the beginning but it turned into what I'd call alcohol abuse. A few years before I left him, he drank a lot but was functional and never missed work or anything and he told me he wasn't going to stop and he sure didn't. When I left him I couldn't stand it and he was beginning to abuse me. That was the end of that marriage. I should say here that we were both adult children of alcoholics and I've read how that figures into the picture but I didn't know his father was one and he didn't know my mother was one.
I then got involved with my present AH who was a heavy drinker but I didn't know this stuff was a disease and I couldn't even tell when he was loaded at first. He was a funny, nice guy and popular (unlike my first A). His friends and other people warned me but since I didn't know much, I ignored them. Besides, they drank with him though they didn't get as smashed. I was to find out that his father, his two brothers, and one of his two sisters are alcoholics. If there is characteristic about me that attracts these guys or something in their alcoholic character that I'm attracted to, as a result of being raised by an alcoholic parent,I'd like to know what it is, how it works..........jaja
Great question and there are many theories. I am sure everyone is a bit different, but here is my take on it. I think the percentage of "potential A's" in the world is very high. Now that I have my eyes open, there are few people I meet these days I would consider more than a casual relationship with.
I think our attachment with them is a product of love and (for guys anyway) some sense of responsability for the one you love. Over time, depending on how the disease manifests itself, that sense of responsability got really distorted for me. I am sure for most others too. We have known each other for 18 years and married for 15. That is almost half our lives.
I know that people grow and change over time, but this is different, and I took on a lot of responsability for not being able to FIX what was bothering her. It didn't help that she kept insisting that if I had done this, that or the other thing... she wouldn't be this way. So in my mind my sickness grew out of this pattern and the tucked away insecurites from being an Adult Child.
That's my take anyway. LOL
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Hi, This is a hot topic for me.....Yep, I didn't realize the full depth of this disease UNTIL my spouse picked up and drank a second time. I believe when we meet someone, it can be "child calling to child". Or for me, boy meets girl. I have to be very careful.........that there isn't more to it than meets the eye. Selecting someone who does not drink, does not smoke should have been my priorities! (I was also brought up in the time of "stand by your man" times, but my thinking has changed when it comes to 'addiction'. I was always taught to be kind and a Christian always in thought and behavior. See everyone as a child a God. Except......how the h do you deal with a relationship that steals your soul? Somewhere I was taught in Sunday School that you become who you hang with.}
I was also a product of the '70's.......Everyone drank and it was practiced like a rite of passage, unfortunately.
My luck has been, they are alcoholics.....just as if there is a sign on my back, "All a's report here." I so want that sign "off my back". It's like carrying an albatross. I could see it in my choices in dating. I thought the bar scene "looked fun". Hey, dinner and dancing every weekend.
Eventually, I decided to "NOT" marry an alcoholic.
I thought I had done a great job. This guy could drink 2 drinks and go home, just like me! He was even designated driver for his buddies as they knew he could have two or hold his liquor and still drive safely for many years. (until the disease progressed on him in his late 20's)
I don't know.....it's a cunning, baffling disease and I think it can fool anyone. So, I don't see beating myself up over it the rest of my life. I just now know "ALL ABOUT IT"---alcoholism. If it don't kill him first, it will me. So, I appreciate the disease under arrest AGAIN.
I also think they, the A's are attracted to me, somehow. I am not sure why. I have had problems with A's even though I am taken and married. I don't know if they think "she'd look good on my arm, and make me look good," or "there's someone who just might help me (i.e. ENABLE, do something for me, help me lead a better life, ) . I think sometimes they have liked to just mess with my head, to build their own egos up, feel good about themselves inside, when obviously they don't to begin with. I can get sucked in, if I let them.
I can walk into a room of people, and the one I think would be the most interesting person in the room to talk to----would turn out to be an alcoholic! I think as women we just need to fine tune our picking and choosing as much as we can. NOT SO FAST! So, the first thing I notice about folks now, is there a drink or a cigarette in their hands? To me, that spells some sort of addiction. And if they are my age and still holding those in their hands, it's a pretty telltale sign of addiction. I try not to judge, just figure out who will enhance my life, and not take away from it.
I for one have always "prided" myself on not being judgemental. I didn't want people to judge me and so I vowed not to judge. My first husband was not an "A", but he was a huge jerk!! I guess I grew up thinking--people aren't bad, life is just hard--harder for some than others and all people need is a break. WOW!!!! Did I get my eyes opened (after some major bumps on my head)--my first husband actually raped me the night I tried to break up with him b/c I owed him--then he cried and said he wanted to kill himself b/c what he had done was so horrible--what did I do--I comforted him b/c I felt so sorry for him!!! I ended up pregnant from that night and married him--telling myself I'm sure that if he is just shown "love" and understanding things would be fine.
To this day I get so angry when I feel like people are judging others---so I think in a way I attract them. I want so badly to give people a chance, to support them, I want everyone to feel good inside--but I am learning I can't do it!! I can't make them feel any differently inside. Shoot I can't even make myself feel good inside most days, what makes me think I can turn it around for others.
Great question! As I think about it, I believe that we attract them because they feel normal to us - something inside pulls us each to another. I too attracted an abusive, alcoholic in my first marriage and left decisively and quickly. My anger pushed me on. My minister at church encouraged me to get counselling and said I would probably continue to attract the same if not. I did, but in the past 15 years i continue to attract the same over and over, alcholics and emotionally abusive men. For me, it is getting harder and harder to let go as now I see my pattern and wonder if I'll ever be healthy enough to attract a healthy mate - I really hope and pray so and with recovery and in this program, I am working on my health one day at a time.
Thanks for the post - you reminded me that we have to think healthy and behave healthy to attract healthy. We deserve it.
My thoughts on your question, and I can literally hear my sponsor's words rolling around in my head.....
this is a "why" question, as opposed to a "what". Deal with the facts, and spend less time dealing with why/how you got here. The facts are the facts, so what are we gonna do about it from this day forward???
I go back to the above quite often, not to say that we can't learn from our pasts, but our focus really does need to be on the "whats" in our lives.... The question I always try to ask myself, when trying to determine whether it is a "why or a what", is: "if I knew the answer to the question, would it REALLY change anything?"
Take care
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Knowing the answer to this question could change things in the future. I think if you know you are causing bad things for yourself by doing a certain thing and you can identify that certain thing and STOP it!! THEN YES DEFINITELY knowing the answer would change something. Here is how that question could go. WHAT am I doing to attract these people????? Have you never asked yourself this question?
Looking at that question will take courage to take a long hard look at self. I think once you ask yourself that question "What am I doing to attract these people?" then the other question follows--"How do I change that in myself?"
I do like canadianguy's thoughts about asking "why". I ask why--too much I'm sure, but there is a point there. When we ask "why" are we really going to find an answer or just our thoughts on why--b/c we could ask our a's why did you start dating me, what was it about me that attracted you to me--but are their responses going to be truthful, will they even be able to pinpoint why---our guesses as to why are just that ---guesses. I don't know about you, but I'm very bad about reading my a's mind (I always read it wrong!!).
So while we will wonder "why" and the "why's" tend to be scary and uncertain, maybe we ought to look at the "what's" and the "how's" more b/c those are the questions we can really do something about.
Just some thoughts!!
Keep working at it!! I hope peace and serenity for you today!
I have learned that my brain is somehow wired to be attracted to people who have some kind of addiction in their system. For me, asking "why" I have a lightning bolt attraction to some people was helpful. For me, now that I have figured that out -- "what" am I going to do about it? What I do is become very aware whenever I have that sensation -- and while enjoyable, I recognize it as a bad choice. I could be in the room with 100 wonderful supportive men, and will be attracted to the 2 who qualify for the other program. This is useful information. I know do not become involved with anyone with whom I have that strong reaction prior to getting to know them. I look for loving supportive behavior towards me and towards other people -- over time -- because that is what I want. I believe most people are good supportive people who want loving mutually supportive friendships and more in their life, and I am helping my attention focus in that direction. This is new behavior for me. I need to learn how to make better choices in the people with whom I spend my time, with whom I spend my life. To get to this point, I needed to ask the "why."
NOT SO FAST! 
So, the first thing I notice about folks now, is there a drink or a cigarette in their hands? To me, that spells some sort of addiction. And if they are my age and still holding those in their hands, it's a pretty telltale sign of addiction. I try not to judge, just figure out who will enhance my life, and not take away from it.
