The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Anyway, well my time came to get rid of all Ah's stuff. I have everything down to his toothbrush for over 3 months isn't it?
Had a weak moment and sent a note to him via maybe where he says he is not staying. Right
Told him I would like to see him before I die. Had a couple scarey asthma attacks and honestly thougth that was it.
Now am on med and know what to do. Anyway told him I had stuff here for him. Asked him if we could at least talk on the phone. well apparently not. NOT a peep.
So I freecycled his new carharts,nice cowboy boots, all kinds of cool stuff I had bought him of course. Gave his electric razor away too. I was going to burn the rest, old levi jacket that sorta stuff but threw it in a pig house with the straw for bedding.
Just kept his fathers leather jacke. I guess I wanted to care about that for him. Probably will cremate him in it. When that time comes. Or can I do it before?? haha
So no more boxes in my closet he wrote, A's shoes, A's sweats, A's levis, A's Carharts. etc. No more tools. Tools are all in my stuff and our sons. Son has one pickup I have the other.
I am now vehicleless until I can afford to put a tranny in my darn pickup. son needed his van back. I have friends who will take me to town once in awhile. So far I don't care. Just shows ya how an A's disease can take everything. I had a new pickup, new jeep, now i have a new life.
disabled, no vehicle, no heat. BUT I have serenity, five gorgeous acres of land to share, and a view that I thank the creator for everytime i see it.
I got more of his stuff paid, but that and no rent and having to fix it up again, I am hitting a real real bottom. If it goes anymore I will be homeless. I won't allow that to happen.
Great Tenants now that work with my son not me. yay! am painting and have nice free carpet for the den and bath for a tenant to rent. It will be ok. there is a guy who would like to rent it. i am not sure if I could handle that. I will email him a bit and see.
If I use the electric heat I won't be able to pay my bill. so I keep getting stupid migraines from being cold on my face. Suppose to snow tonight and on and on. Usually does not when they say it will.
got a wonderful feather bed from Freecycle so I have feathers under me and over me and feather pillow. restwarmer under me too that is nice. Well and three nice warm dogs...who HAVE to lay on me in some way or another.
Just got to a place where I was ready. Just does not matter anymore. Does not matter to him, so why should it for me? today is now. I don't want his stuff here. I have all I need in my heart and in my memories.
Bonnie Rait spell, has a song that always makes me cry, "I can't make you love me if you don't, I can't make your heart feel something it won't." Yep ain't that the truth.
Seemed like such a normal thing to want at the time,all my life, to marry him, love him and be loved by him. Had it for a few precious months. So at least I know what it feels like. I have been loved by a man. Been precious, was giving flowers, jewelry, antiques, wild flowers, a barn built just for me,cat room, piggy condos, cards, smiles, kisses and wonderful the best closeness.
Now I am burning and getting the stuff out of here. I wonder when he dies how I will feel. I don't know how I can miss someone who stopped giving to me a long time ago. Will I still grieve the man he used to be? well yes always. But the final, time to call the funeral, time to do a memorial cut me in half? I don't know. Maybe then and only then I will finally be able to be whole again.
Open to breathing again, digesting again. I went thru his stuff all folded nice in boxes. Still smelled like him. That nice cedary smell he has naturally. I buried my face in his robe. of course I cried.
A young guy answered the add for the carharts. I stuck four other boxes out of everything. he wrote back and thanked me. that was cool.
Well I have no vehicle, but I met this neat gal buying a few chickens from her. We have become friends. We go get our hay together and all kinds of stuff. smile. so I was lonely and carless. Now i have a new friend to do things with and I give her a few bucks for gas and we go do what we need to do.
We have a Bible study by email! I asked for a study but never knew this would happen! I just never know what my hp will come up with. Never what I thought I was asking for.
I don't feel a need to forgive my A, becuz i am not mad at him. least not now. I cannot be mad at him, anymore than be mad at my mom for some of the strange stuff she said when she was dieing from the d breast cancer.
Now I have goals of only one day at a time. My dreams have all come true. Well cept I have not gotten a cow yet of course..haha but seriously, I don't feel much I want anymore. More I need heat, I need a vehicle.
Is that sad not to have dreams and wants anymore? I know I have no regrets. My dreams always included him and my mother and other loved ones who are all dead now. Well I do have a goal to be the best I can be so I please the creator. That is number one for me. We have a belief of earth back to perfection. We have such faith and hope there. And a government in heaven, and seeing our loved ones again.
I don't want to see Disneyland or France. What I want is to go to Africa and be safe, no war, no fear of the animals and just camp and be at peace. Talk about Hp.
Well I guess my bottom is not so bad. Say a prayer for the A's in our life. NOT ONE is happy, not one if they are using and/or not on a program of recovery.
You guys are so wonderful. I love your shares. hugs so much gratitude. debilyn
I don't have heat but right now have a Basset hound in my lap and a cat on my head....
I hope you are warm with all your feathers and sweet animals. Might you look on freecycle for a woodburner? Do you have Craigslist where you are? Sometimes they have stuff for free.
I am glad you got rid of all his stuff. Now you can really make a new start. You can detach and throw out.
I was inspired by your sense of humor and your faith in the Lord! Oops, we're supposed to say HP around here I guess ... well whatever.
I think it is sooo wonderful that you are able to see the bright side of things -the belongings that you do have, the beauty outside your windows, the animals that are there to love you unconditionally and the friendships you have started to make becuz doors have been open for them to enter! This site needs that kind of positivity!!
I wish you all the best, you are in my prayers and God bless,
It is hard. To not have the man you love. To miss their essence and know that that man has gone to the disease. How sad, but your post shows that you still have a very rich life. I think that pets love you way more than any human can.
((((Deb)))))) You have grown so much here, it is amazing. I can tell by your writing. It is still painful, but you are dealing with it. That's what we all have to do, is just deal with it. Because it will be with us, always.
I know you love your A like I do mine. I have glimpses now and then of the man he was, before the disease took him over completely. It is so sad. But, I have to hand him over to HP every second of every day. I can't change him, but I can change, with the help of HP. We are all miracles. Miracles in Progress.
You are so strong. Someone told me this year that tears are strength, and it is so true. My heart aches with you.... your heart is just broken remembering what you had and how wonderful your A was.... and you are right, at least you had the comfort of his love for a while. You had that close love relationship for a while. You were (and are) loved in a special special way, and you are a special person. Don't forget that if the disease was not robbing him of his joys, you would be one of them. You know that he loves you, he is just not able to give you that love now.
I am so comforted to know that you have your animals to keep you warm and you have some friends, and a Bible study online! I love the way HP works, don't you? He gives you what you need in the way that he can.... we never expect the gifts that we are given, aren't you glad we are in the computer age so that even when you can't get out as much as you can, you are touched by this site, and your bible study friend.
Thank you for your posts, I learn so much strength from you. You are hurting yet you post and help others always. Keep your spirit up and keep in prayer, it is so important.
