The material presented
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As you may remember I have an AH, we have set boundaries, he has his own house where he can go when he drinks, when he is sober he is welcome to spend time with me and our 3 children - it works for us.
My latest worry is my 15yo daughter who has (I just learned) been drinking alot. She drinks wine until she is drunk, becomes very emotional and loses control. Her friends are a year or two older and it seems they are buying the alcohol. I don't! I am at a loss how to approach her about this, as it seems she must be two different people. The one at home with me who I thought could talk to me about anything and the one that is out partying to the max.
With the history of alcoholism in my family I now fear for my daughter. Does anyone have any advice to share, I intend to tread carefully because I fear losing her completely if I come down too hard on her. She has always been my rebel but I feel this too dangerous to play with. Where/How do I start to do something about this?
The first thing for you to do is remember "THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT". I know as a mom we always take the blame even if nobody blames us but it's not your fault, it's a disease.
Do you go to f2f Al-Anon meetings? If so get out your call list and call someone. You are not the only person who has ever found themselves in this spot and there is someone there for you to talk to. If you don't have a call list you can call the hotline number and they will connect you with someone locally to talk to.
In our city we have treatment centers for teens that do some great work, some cost, some don't. The point is that it doesn't hurt anything to check out your options with professionals or people in the program.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Hi feather, my question is what have you done so far in your parenting?
What is she into? I mean for example guitar? riding horses, painting? what? The best deterrant is encouraging her with her passion. She needs to be stimulated and able to explore things she enjoys.
I would get busy taking her places just you and her. Whether she wants to go or not. Go hiking or walking, go shopping, whatever, get her used to talking to you again.
She will open up sooner or later.
If you were lax before, time to tighten up. Know where she is every min. if she follows the rules she gets priviledges if not, no priviledges. She does well at school, or you go to school with her. do it.
You are great you caught it so early. hang on to her tight.
What is a fifteen year old doing out partying anyway? From my experience, you talk to the parents of where she is going. She gets checked on, be on her all the time. She may rebel, but you standing strong shows her you care. She may even say she hates you. But inside she is still that little girl who needs boundaries.
Parents change when their kids are teens.They are the same kid with a bigger body. I swear teens need us more than they ever did.
I worked with kids at risk and regular teens. They want you to listen to them. They want you to know what is going on. They need you to say NO to the wearing thongs and hiphuggers so they show.
NO do drugs NO to smoking, cussing etc. Don't change the rules.
I sent my son off on a survival backpacking trip for three weeks. Changed his life.
ya tell them you love them, you hug them. they will push away, but you get closer. don't let go. ignore what they say, watch what they do.
Talk to her, set up boundaries. NO using drugs period.
My heart goes out to you. It sounds like a very difficult situation with your husband having his own home to go to when he wants to drink. It would be very difficult to raise teens in that environment, and you clearly love your children very much and are doing the best you can.
My best ESH that worked for my parents and worked for me (my daughter is 21 and stayed away from drugs and alcohol) is to approach this from a standpoint of responsibility.
It was not easy for me to raise my daughter with a severely chronic alcoholic Dad, who retreats to his room to drink and "checks out" of family life. I have some idea of the challenges you face.
I taught my daughter early on about the responsiblity that I undertook as a parent when I decided to have children. I told her that the law states that I MUST have her in my "care and control" until the age of 18. That meant that not only must I take care of her, but that I also must teach her to obey the laws of the country we live in and follow the laws myself in raising her.
There ARE laws concerning underage drinking and contributing to the delinquency of a minor. These laws are in place to help support responsible parents in bringing up their teens.
You don't have to take the role of the "strict parent" when you point out to her that breaking the law as she has been doing can land her in the Detention Home and classify her as a juvenile delinquent. You can also point out to her that if she gets caught, that YOU also will be looked at and you also may possibly face charges for parental neglect if you know she was engaging in illegal activity and did nothing about it. If you know someone is 'contributing to the delinquency" of YOUR child by buying them alcohol and you don't deny them access to your child, you also are breaking the law.
Teaching our children about the importance of following the laws in our country is an important part of parenting teens. As a teacher I can tell you that it is a very important job that teachers must do, for parents that don't feel it is their job. The principal at my daughters high school told me that he is very frustrated with parents that DON'T teach their children the importance of following laws and so he MUST. He said that too many teens don't understand that what could be overlooked as teens, such engaging in sexual harrassment, simple assualts, and sexual activity with those who are several years younger will NOT be overlooked when they turn 18. He says it is a hard job convincing them of that, that if they go to a job and get in an argument with a coworker and hit them, they will be arrested, it is not just a walk to the "principals office'.
Having said all of this, I think debilyn did an excellent job of giving suggestions how to improve the relationship with your daughter to be able to point out these things to her.
Please take control back of this situation with a lot of love and caring.
Another important job that teachers have is to empower parents to take back their power to set healthy and loving standards for their children and demand cooperation. It is a parents responsibility to help their children reach the age of adulthood with as little exposure to the harmful influences in our society as possible.
Remember that more than experimenting with drinking is at stake here. When your daughter is under the influence she can easily be taken advantage of in other ways as well, she can engage in sexual activity without protection or even be raped. The last thing you need is more trouble in the future if she came down with AIDS, other STD's or became pregnant. Don't think it won't or can't happen...The local paper had an article in it last year about a blood drive at some area high schools. About ten students who donated blood in one high school were HIV positive...and did not know...and those were only the ones who donated blood!
Do everythign you can to protect your daughter from these tragedies.
Much love to you from one parent to another, I know it is not an easy job...
My prayers are with you and your daughter. Debilyn has some awesome advice. I've learned from experience I need to know who my kids are spending time with, talking to their parents, making sure they are in a safe environment etc. I've found there are parents that don't care if their kids are involved with alcohol or drugs....they figure it is a phase....but if the disease is in the family, what are they thinking! Obviously they aren't. Or there are parents that have absolutely No clue! We have been very involved parents, staying in communication with other parents, etc, yet our 20 year old son became involved with drugs and alcohol in his senior year of High School. Some of his friend's parents allowed the kids to drink in their home, figuring they (the teens) would do it anyway. Long story short, my son became addicted to drugs and alcohol. I know that not all teens will become addicted, yet how does anyone know who will and who won't have an addiction problem? And why not be the parents and just say NO! Good news....our son chose to go to a Teen Challenge program....God has changed his life. Things aren't perfect, but he knows what is important and what he wants for his life. We have two teens at home, our daugther is a Senior in High School and our youngest son is a Freshman. We do lots of talking about the issues and we keep involved with our kid's lives. And sometimes we have to say no. It's tough, but we need to be our kid's parents and not their best friends. No one loves them more than we do!!!! Hang in there.....May God Bless!
Thank you to each and everyone of you for sharing your experience and support. I have chosen to take a day to think about my words before speaking to my daughter. No doubt I will be back here to read your thoughts several more times before then.
The communication between my daughter and myself has always been good, she has chosen to keep this part of her social life secret from me, I am relieved to have been told this is happening.
Thank you Feather for posting your question and thank you to all who responded. My daughter will be 16 next weekend and I am "known" as a very strict parent. I always know where my daughter is at...and whom she is with. If the knowledge isn't made available then she isn't allowed to go. Or if she breaks the rules she's not allowed to go next time. There are days that I feel like the "mean mom". But after the fact, always seem to find out I was right after all.
Just one of many examples is...she's involved in a camp for disabled people of all ages. They put on a Haunted Hay Ride every Halloween. The first night all of the counselors spend the night at the Directors' sisters house. While listening to her talk about this last year, I got the idea that things were a bit out of control. So this year I decided she needed to come home afterwards instead of spending the night. (I absolutely felt like the mean mom)...but the next day I found out that the police had to be called out there to deal with one of their teen relatives. Wow was I grateful for my Mommy instincts then. The hardest part is my parents are involved w/ camp also and believe all of the adults in charge are responsible. They are always encouraging me to trust them. Yet I haven't seen any reason I should yet.
Debilyn and Isabela...both of your posts helped me to remember that I am doing exactly what I am supposed to. I am being her Mom and not her Friend. I tell her often..."I'm sorry, it is my job as your mom. If I didn't follow through or ask questions then I wouldn't be holding up my end of the deal" I also know that some day she will appreciate all of my effort. Just like I now appreciate all my Mom did for me.
Again, thanks for your posts. Hope everyone has a wonderful weekend.
