The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For me I learned that things may not be as they seem,,thus I learned not to jump to conclusions, like I had always done in various areas of my life. The alcoholic had made me to the point where I didnt trust anyone anymore,including close friends and family members, so slowly I learned to trust again. I thought my "thing" in life was to put myself last ,,,take care of everyone and anything first and foremost,, and now I have learned that if I dont put myself first and take care of myself, no one else sure wont. And that ,,,that is ok!!!!! I have "unlearned" my negative way of thinking, and have replaced them with positive more "soft" thoughts, than that racing chaos which was continually with in my head. These are just a few of the things I have "unlearned", and would like to hear some of yours!................................Think.....................gardengal
I don't know about unlearning but one big thing I learned was how to mind my own business, what was my business and what wasn't.
I no longer call to see if he has paid the rent, utilities, showed up for court dates etc. because even though he is my A son he is an adult and those things are none of my business. This took a huge load off my shoulders and gave him the dignity of living his own life. If he messes it up then it is his business not mine.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
I learned I had a life to myself, that was just waiting for me to start living It. I also learned I can not FIX anyone, never mind everyone.(lol). Just now Im learning to life "one day at a time", doing the best i can, trying not to hurt anyone, Including ally.
I got a new motto In life, If you don't like Ally or what she Is all about. Well take what you like, and leave the rest.(lol) That Is a major change for me, because I was a people pleaser and wanted to belong and be liked. I can say I have let go of that now. I come Into this room, and feel the love from everyone, and Im now beginnin to see I am a good person, and can attract lovely people who like me. by just being me.
So YIP, Al-Anon teaches you loads, but you need to Belive you are worth teaching.
Thanks for this post...good topic. I was sitting here for awhile thinking about this one. I think the biggest thing for me was unlearning to be perfect. All I can do is my best. And my best is good enough. It may not please everyone, but it's all I am able to do. "How important is it?" was something else I had to learn. I had to unlearn putting importance on trival things that made me crazy. I'm still working on both of these....progress not perfection :)
I had to learn to love me which means take care of me too. I always put myself last. Everything came before me. Now I'm learning to sleep when I'm tired, eat when I'm hungry, let of negative things that hurt me and when I'm feeling like I don't need a meeting, it's then I really do need one.
I have learned that Alanon was here to fix my AH. It is here to fix me. I am learning not to control every situation in my life or his. I am realizing that when I have resentment I am only hanging myself so I mut "Let go and Let God" I have been turning to my HP more often now as I see the changes happening in my life. I take one day at a time and I am finally learning to love myself
Boy I had so much to unlearn, and I haven't come close to unlearning all I need to yet! But I am working on it!
Things to unlearn that I have had some success with.
1. That everyone else's wants, needs, desires come before my own.
2. The inability to tell someone "No".
3. Basing decisions I need to make on Fear.
4. The ways I used to react to my families behaviors, ie...letting them suck me into their stuff!
5. Trying to solve everyone else's problems.
Those are some biggies for me, that I can look at myself and see the changes in myself. I certainly dont do any of those perfectly, and may not ever. I also realize I still have to unlearn the need for perfection. I know I dont have to be anymore...but it hasn't really set in in "all my affairs" yet.
I am at least aware of so many things that I needed to unlearn now and can objectively look at my own actions and see if I am slipping back into old ways of learning.
I had to unlearn putting the blame on others. This helped me to really look at myself and my own actions and how those actions had an impact and often fed right into the insanity.
I had to unlearn expecting perfection from myself and others. We all make mistakes, we all are human, and that's ok!
I had to unlearn my unhealthy ways of communicating. Still working on that. (Well gosh, I'm still working on all my issues... lol)
I had to unlearn my unhealthy attitude and thinking. That "victim" mentality. I DO have choices. I CAN change my life. Victim's think they are stuck. I know better now.
I had to unlearn that people won't truly care. Everyone here is living proof that people do care. All we have to do is reach out and ask for help.
Those are the biggee's that I can think of for now. Thanks for the topic (((((((((gg)))))))))
Luv, Kis
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
I had to unlearn letting every thought, fear, bit of anger, ounce of critisizm leave my mouth at whim.
So many times I engaged my ah while he was intoxicated only to create havoc for both of us. Now I refuse to talk about anything serious, or react to his provocations when he is drinking.
I also think about my motivation and expectations before I share a personal fear or critisizm of him. Am I trying to control him? Often times the answer is yes and I decide to keep my trap shut. Life is much more peaceful for me...and I am the one who counts!
The first thing that comes to mind that I had to unlearn was "I can fix him".
And this was huge for me! I had spent years sorting out the messes he got into, including financial, legal, health and his personal problems. Thinking if I fix this for him he will realise what a problem his addiction was and how lucky he was to have me and so he would stop drinking! And we would live happily ever after! Alanon helped me see the fairy tale I was desparately trying to hang on to, was unrealistic.
I was like a rat on a wheel, running like blazes and getting no where! When I got the 3 C's it was a light bulb moment for me.
Alanon gave me the tools to allow me to step back, take a breath and look after me. And for that I am forever grateful.
I'm still a little overwhelmed with how much unlearning I have yet to do, but I can say that for the first time in a long time, I am starting to get optimistic that if I just stick with this program and apply even just some of what I am learning, I will start seeing some really positive changes in my life. It's not an overnight process, unfortunately.... I'm having to learn patience in so many ways. I'm a lot more hopeful now than I've been in YEARS... so I guess I can sum it up by saying that I'm "starting" to unlearn some of the pessimistic thinking that I've been dealing with in regards to what my future holds. It's all in my hands and my HP's hands now. I just have to step aside and get out of my own way sometimes. The people in Alanon have helped me to see things from a different perspective and they are helping me to "unlearn" the things that I've been doing wrong.
Great post! The biggest thing I unlearned was to stop blaming myself for everything that happened. I had to learn how to accept my role in what was going on, but not to blame myself because I "triggered" him. I had to learn that I had choices. I thought I didn't have any choices of living with an active A. I thought I was suppose to accept his behavior because he was an addict. The list went on. Thanks for making me think.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
