The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night my AH went to drop off something and came home three hours later. He wasn’t fall down drunk but wasn’t sober either. I was upset and stressed because we have been so distant lately and the previous 2 nights we had made baby steps trying to reconnect. Upset that he chose to spend three hours in a bar rather then with me. I did call my sponsor, who encouraged me to tell him how I felt in a calm tone. I did and felt better and was able to go to sleep in peace. So today I ask myself “was I overreacting?” Do I have the right to expect more from this relationship? Am I in denial when I do? What do I have to do to free myself of this constant source of disappointment? Is it a change of attitude or will a physical separation be the only solution? I am exhausted from analyzing and reading and thinking. Why can’t I be happy (should I be) with the fact he came home by 9:30? There is no real pattern to his drinking. There was no way for me to know whether he has going for 3 hours or 9 hours. Am I expecting too much from him. Am I demanding what he can’t or refuses to give me?
I am so sorry you are feeling the weight of his drinking. You are not overreacting or being selfish. In relationships we expect a certain amount of respect and caring. In our relationship with their a'ism, however, we cannot afford to have expectations, for we will always be disappointed. I am not saying that you should lower your expectations of what you deserve, but what to expect from an alcoholic.
It is something akin to envisioning the perfect family Thanksgiving dinner. You slave over the meal and table setting, only to have your spouse get drunk and sleep through dinner. I have learned to lower my expectations and take life as it comes. I use my tools to deal with my own needs and feelings. I also try to remember Progress not Perfection. As often as I am able to not be disappointed for his behavior, there are times when I have to tell him how his behavior makes me feel. You did the right thing by telling him how you feel. Not because it will change his behavior, but because it changed how you were feeling for the better.
Take care of yourself. We all need to swap our addictions from their drinking to our own wellbeing. Happy Turkey! BBsteps
To me it depends on why you were upset. Had he gone to a local church to meditate on your relationship and disappeared for 3 hours would you have been just as upset? Guess the question I would ask myself is ... was I upset because he disappeared, or because he went drinking?
My wife drinks because she is an alcholic, and it really doesn't matter if I get mad about that or not, she will still drink.
On the other hand she is not in the habbit of saying I will be right back, and disappearing for hours. The simple inconsideration of doing that would upset me.
Nobody can tell you if it's overreacting or not, but you can decide "how important is this", and is it "unacceptable behavior" to you. That's what counts.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I went from not reacting to over reacting to being able to talk about my over reacting. Now I am on trying to control my over reactions. Of course in the past I would justify my over reactions after all the A had pushed me to the limit. The issue for me is that I can't stay at the limit for too long. In the end I end up sick and exhausted. So right now I have very very low expectations of the A. I work on my own goals. I don't work on much as a couple. For example I don't expect to have thanksgiving with him, too hard, too disappointing. I also don't ask him for much. I set myself up that way. What I do ask him for is not negotiable though. I am not willing to put up with a relationship on any terms.
I think its a long long journey to get there. There are no short cuts. There is a lot of grief and anger there is some reflection. Eventually you will get to a point where you can see when you are over reacting (which is entirely up to you to gauge) and take better care of yourself. Thinking and talking about it is part of the process.
I see that you join me in that uncomfortable place of always "second guessing" our thoughts, motives & opinions.
In my mind, it was always "Do I have the right to be upset, at least he did come home? At least he didn't wreck the truck. or At least I didn't have to go bail him out" - But just because the situation wasn't as bad as it could have been doesn't mean that I don't have a right to my feelings about it.
What I do with those feelings is all in my "garden of self". Do I work thru them with a sponsor? (like you did) Do I journal, give them to my HP? Ask my HP for direction & guidance in dealing with my A in this situation? Has this situation crossed a previously set boundary? If not, then do I need to set a boundary in this area? or Is this important or can I truly just let it go?
Elizabeth, these are the tough questions that I use to work thru these situations with the As in my life. It is not always easy or cut & dried. Sometimes we learn to be flexible in a relationship & sometimes we learn that it is ok to have the self-respect to stand firm on a boundary to protect our sanity & serenity. Only you will know what is right for you. But keep on posting, calling your sponsor, keeping in touch with your HP and taking care of you - Your answers will come.
Wishing you Peace,
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
You know I sympathize with you. My AHsober moved out and has basically amputated the relationship. He does his own thing. It hurts. We are still married and my expectation is that we still do things together. We went to a common function together last week. I asked him to invite me to go with him. He refused. He said you have to make that decision. He knew it was meanful to me to be included but he wouldn't do it. Damn right we react. And I think that that is what they want from us. There is a little power in that. But we need to make our own plans. We need to tell them how their actions impact us. And then we need to go take care of ourselves and remember that the disease not the men we love is running the show.
Alcoholics will drink - the sooner we accept that, and learn to expect it, the sooner we can focus on what WE want from the relationship. It is neither right or wrong to get upset if he gets drunk and does not come home - what is wrong is to allow his actions (unreliable, drunken actions) to determine your happiness.
