The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thanks so much for being here this year. You all have wonderful support and I have learned so much here - I can't tell you how this board and you wonderful souls have saved me so many times.
AH is back, he is 24 days sober and he is acting like his wonderful self again. It is really comforting - but so scary. I know he is an alcoholic and he is in danger every day of the first drink. There are so many things that have broken my trust in him this year that I feel betrayed and truly broken hearted. I try not to bring up what has happened, him talking to this other woman, him owing me tons of money. He is working and getting caught up on his bills that were not getting paid at all. He says he will pay me his half of the mortgage next check. That was a surprise, I wasn't expecting it for a while yet. We'll see.
I know that they say now is the time to truly embrace Alanon, you need it now more than ever. I was feeling stronger when he was still drinking, before his last drunk, I was devastated, but accepting reality. Now I don't know what will happen. I know he will spend one year in jail for this last DUI. It is good not worrying about him hurting anyone, and he is home all of the time now. I am so thankful he did not hurt anyone in the accident (no damage at all, I think the other party just called because he was obviously drunk, thank God).
It's just shaky. You know, change is inevitable. Nothing stays the same. When he was sober for one year last year, it was so happy - our life together. We had the best year ever. This year was destructive, horrible, rage-filled, stressful. However, it was a year of severe personal growth for me. I know that I am not alone, that my HP and this program is there no matter what happens.
I know that I need to concentrate on how I live my life, not depend on what he does, even now when seemingly happily sober. I know very well this year that he was sober 30-40 days and then crashed again. I know it can happen again. It's just the awful crash that I fear, after seeing this wonderful life again, him taking care of himself, taking care of the house, worrying about his health, then just going to hell in no time with a drink.
I am thankful that HP is there for me. I am so thankful to each of you who suffers with me, and your tools you give me to overcome the suffering. It is so important to realize that life should be joyous, that we can find some kind of hope and self-love in this spiral of destruction.
One of my biggest fears is around the A and driving. He gets tickets pretty regularly and seems to have two or three fender benders a year or so. The way he drives it is just a matter of time.
Like your A sometimes the A can get things together. He can seem to be invested in his life then he can let it all go in a second. I don't have that much hope anymore he will turn it all around.
I know that accepting the devastation and reality has been tremendously difficult for me. I also know it is a place to work from, as long as I was in fantasy and also in resentment (for me that was toxic resentment) I did not get to work on what I needed to do.
I also know that for me it is a long hard journey to a life that I want to treasure and create for myself. For now I have stopped hating myself and castigating myself for having chosen an A to live with. I will no longer punish myself for that.
thank you for your reality check it helped me a great deal to know others share the crazy ups and downs with an A.
I also get to manage my sometimes unsurmountable fears better when I see others do it so graciously.
((((hersh))))) glad to hear you are remembering to keep the focus on you. None of us knows what the 'morrow will bring, but we have today.
When I read posts such as yours, regarding your A's sobriety, even tho it is iffy at times, I am amazed. I would think the world had stopped if my A ever even mentioned to me, or admitted that he has a problem with drinking. It is something we just don't talk about, but it has created tremendous difficulty in our marriage, as it changes him into someone he is not. Someone who terrifies me at times. Because of the drinking, we have family issues, sex issues, money issues, trust and love issues, you-name-it. It is all part and parcel of the disease. A package deal.
Keep working your program, for you. I am told we will need this the rest of our lives, even if we are not living with the A. We have been infected by the disease as well. And we will need a program to GET well, or, better, anyway.
I think this is where the slogans "keep it simple" and "first things first come in. Sure, it IS scary where people who are relatively new to sobriety are concerned. But if we keep working the program, set an example, et cetera, we find ourselves with something else the program garentees: a life of our own and the serenity we've always craved.
Keep it simple. Attend to your needs first. Everything will unfold as it needs to. ODAAT.
As you said, it's sooooooooooooooo important that you keep with your program no matter what. You are the most important person. You do your program and let him do his. One day at a time.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
You are doing it right. See to your needs and be that whole to be added to his whole while he is sober. You know, for my father, he drank like crazy, got sober for 6 months relapsed and tried to drink himself to death, went to rehab and now is over 20 years sober. Not a half bad human being even without a program. LOL
There is always hope, but with or without sustained sobriety, you will be ok. You get stronger by the day. You can see it in your posts. I hope you enjoy this reprieve, it could possibly last for the rest of his life if he and his HP make a deal.
You both are in my prayers....
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
